She put him to bed after a bath, and read him a story. And then she lay down quietly for ten minutes in their bedroom. She closed her eyes, and tried to fall asleep, but there was too much whirling around in her head, too many terrible things, too much pain, too many questions …about Allyson …about Brad …about their marriage …and life and death, and the meaning of everything. She heard a sound and opened her eyes, and saw Brad standing in the doorway.
“Can I get you anything?” He didn't know what else to say to her. Too much had happened, too much had been said and revealed for them ever to be the same people they had once been to each other. It was devastating to think about it, and impossible to pretend it hadn't happened. “Have you eaten?”
“No, thanks.” She had absolutely no appetite, and for good reason.
“Do you want anything from the kitchen?” She shook her head and tried not to think of what he'd said, but all she could think about now was the woman at the agency, and the eight months he had spent with her. And before that? Who had there been? How long had he been cheating on her? Had there been others? And was it that she was unattractive to him, or did she just bore him?
She realized then that she was still wearing her gardening sweater from the night before, and her oldest jeans, her hair was a tangled mass after her hours in the hospital. She was no competition for a twenty-six-year-old Stanford grad with no responsibilities and no obligations. She wondered what they had done over the weekend.
“Where did you go with her?” She pushed him for more information before he left the room.
“What difference does it make?” He looked annoyed that she was pressing him, and seeing his irritation made Page angry.
“I just wondered where you were when I didn't know where to find you.” What kind of places did he go with her? Page felt totally shut out of his life, and as though he were a total stranger.
“We went to John Gardiner,” he surprised her by answering. It was a tennis ranch in the Carmel Valley. She nodded. But he had been back in Stephanie's apartment in the city by the time he called her. Which was why he had come to the hospital so quickly. He had waited as long as he could, so Page wouldn't suspect where he'd been. But after half an hour he hadn't been able to stand it any longer.
“You should eat something,” he said then, as though to move on to another subject. He was anxious not to discuss his life with Stephanie with her. But Page seemed to want to know all the details, as though in hearing them, she would understand what had happened.
“I'm going to take a bath and go back to the hospital,” she said quietly. There was nothing for her to do at home. Andy was in bed. And she wanted to be with Allie.
“They said you couldn't see her,” Brad said calmly.
“I don't care. I want to be there.”
He nodded, and then remembered something. “What about Andy? Will you be back before morning?”
She shook her head. “You can get him ready for school tomorrow. You don't need me for that.” Or did he? Was that the only use he had for her now? To take care of his children?
“No,” he agreed, his voice sounding sad finally, “but I need you for other things …”
“Oh?” She sounded detached as she looked at him. “Like what? I can't think of a thing now.”
“Page … I love you …” It just sounded like words suddenly.
“Do you, Brad?” she asked from the depths of her sadness. “As far as I can see, I've been kidding myself for a long time …and maybe you have too …maybe it's just as well we found out now.” Although she didn't feel relieved at what she'd discovered, only wounded, hurt to her very soul.
“I'm sorry …” he said softly, and made no move to approach her, which said it all. There was a world between them.
“So am I,” she said, and stood up, looking at him, and then without a word, she walked into her bathroom. She turned on the tub, and closed the door, and once she lay in the bath, the tears ran down her face, as she thought of Brad and Allie. Now she had two people to cry about, she reminded herself. It had sure been a great weekend.
Chapter 6
Page spent Sunday night at the hospital, curled up in a chair in the waiting room. But she didn't even notice how uncomfortable the chair was. She scarcely slept, worrying about Allie. The noises of the hospital kept her awake, the smells, and the fear that at any moment her daughter might slip away. It was a relief when, finally, at six the next morning, they let her see her.
A pretty young nurse took Page to the recovery room, and spoke pleasantly to her on the way there, about what a beautiful girl Allie was, and what lovely hair she had had. Page listened with one ear, and found her mind wandering as they walked the endless halls. She was too distracted to really listen. But she was grateful for the nurse's attempts to be comforting. She couldn't imagine how they could even glimpse Allyson's beauty now. She was so battered, there were even bandages on her eyes from the repairs they had had to do there.