A Time to Heal

14



There's something different about you today," Jenny said to Hannah the next day.

Hannah bobbled the plate in her hands but managed not to drop it. "Don't know what you're talking about."

"No?" Jenny grinned. "It wouldn't have anything to do with a certain young man by the name of Chris, would it?"

She'd spent a lot of time thinking about that night he'd kissed her, and when he'd been talking in his sleep about kissing her.

"He's passing through," she reminded Jenny. "You haven't forgotten that, have you? He came for vacation, and he's stayed to help Matthew. That's all."

"I don't know," Jenny said slowly, glancing out the kitchen window as they got dinner on the table. "He seems happy here.He looks more peaceful than when he first came."

"But he—" Hannah stopped, appalled that she'd nearly mentioned Chris's episode of sleepwalking.

She didn't know much about sleepwalking—she'd only heard of someone doing that once here in her community, and that was Leroy Esh who'd done it after he'd had a traumatic experience.

"He what?"

"Nothing."

It didn't feel right to tell Jenny about it. She cast about for something to say to change the subject. But the only thing she could think of was to tell Jenny about her grandmother, and that didn't feel right either. She knew Phoebe didn't want anyone fussing over her and so far, there wasn't enough reason to do so.

"I think there IS something."

Hannah gave her a look. "Now you're trying to interrogate me."

Jenny laughed. "Old habits die hard." She shook her head and her smile faded. "You can't deny you're attracted to him.And I've never seen that happen with any man from this community."

Going to the refrigerator for the pitcher of iced tea, Hannah thought about how to maneuver Jenny away from the topic.When Jenny wanted to know about something, she was like a bulldog. She returned to the table with the pitcher and began pouring its contents into glasses, setting one before Jenny.

"We've talked about how I'm not interested in anyone

"I remember how you disappeared during my wedding reception when it came to the courtship games," Jenny said with a nod. "And there's something you're not considering.I stayed, remember? How do we know Chris isn't thinking about doing that?"

Hannah blinked. "He's said nothing about that to me. Has he talked to you or Matthew about it?"

Jenny shook her head. "But it's not outside of the realm of possibilities."

"I thought you wrote nonfiction, not fiction."

Laughing, Jenny got out a bowl for the vegetables.

Hannah finished pouring the tea and set the pitcher on the table. Trying to act casual, she looked at Jenny. "I know you said you met Chris at the veteran's hospital and you had a lot in common. But what do you really know about him?"

"Not much," she said as she started slicing a loaf of bread."Well, this turned out very nice if I do say so myself," she said, looking at the bread.

She couldn't help it. Hannah started laughing and couldn't seem to stop.

"What's so funny?" Jenny demanded.

" 'If I do say so myself,'" Hannah said, wiping away a tear."I'm sorry, you said it again, just like that time you cooked artichokes."

"Hey, I did everything I was supposed to do," Jenny insisted, looking indignant. "I even cooked them a little longer than the recipe called for."

"So you sat there and when you realized they were barely edible, you could have just told us that they weren't fit to eat.But you just smacked your lips and said, 'Oh, these are very good if I do say so myself.' And the kinner and Matthew just chimed in with, 'And you do say so yourself!' "

Jenny put her hands on her hips and glared at Hannah."I'm so glad I provide you with such a source of amusement! When are you people going to stop ragging on me about my cooking?"

Hannah wrapped her arms around her sister-in-law and hugged her. "I'm sorry, it's just that you do so many other things well!"

"Well, that's not true," Jenny said, but when Hannah released her and she stood back, she shrugged her shoulders. "It's taking so much longer to get good at cooking. And the Bontrager family is so interested in filling their stomachs."

"That we are," Matthew said, walking into the kitchen. He sniffed. "What are we having for dinner?"

"Oh, you!" Jenny waved her potholder at him. "Your mind is always on your stomach!"

"Not always," he said with a smile and they exchanged a look that was so warm and intimate that Hannah glanced away.

"I'll go wash my hands," he said and left the room.

"Hannah?"

"Ya?"

"What's on your mind?"

Jenny walked over to touch Hannah's arm and looked into her face with such concern that Hannah sighed. "We've talked about how this time of year I get a little moody."

Now it was Jenny's turn to wrap her arm around Hannah."I know. It's not easy to watch so many of your friends and cousins getting married and you're thinking it's not going to happen. I thought that myself a number of times, especially after I was such a mess from being hit by the car bomb."

She shuddered at the memory. "But I found when I came here that Matthew was the man God set aside for me, and I couldn't be happier."

"There were those who said it wouldn't work."

"I know. I can't blame them. Matthew and I came from two different worlds. But when God plans something, He works everything out."

He'd have a lot to work out, thought Hannah. There was no denying she was very attracted to Chris. And she knew he was attracted to her.

But that's all it was—attraction.

Chris became aware that someone was staring at him.

He looked up and saw that Joshua was standing a few feet away, studying him with that quiet intense air that reminded him of the boy's father.

"Hi."

"Hi. What are you reading?"

Chris showed him the cover of the book.

"Do you like to read about soldiers?"

"A friend told me it was a good book."

"Is it?"

"Yeah."

"Can I read it after you?"

"I don't think so."

"I'm a really good reader."

Chris realized that he'd offended him. "It's not that," he said carefully. "I'm not sure your father would want you to read it.Since it's about being a soldier and war and all."

"But I like to know stuff."

Nodding, Chris marked his place in the book. "Me too. Tell you what. I'll ask your father and if he says it's okay, you can read it after I'm finished."

Joshua's face cleared. "Okay. See you at supper."

Annie opened the front door after his knock. "Chris is here! Chris is here!"

"I hear," Jenny said dryly as Chris walked into the kitchen."I told you that you don't need to walk around the house to come inside, Chris."

He shrugged. "Doesn't feel right to come waltzing into your home through that connecting door," he said, indicating the door to his space with a wave of his hand. "That's for family."

She gave him what Chris could only describe as "the look," the one women brought out when they wanted to make a point. In this case, it meant, "don't be foolish." His mother had been particularly good at the look. Jenny was pretty good at it.Hannah hadn't given many of them. Maybe it was something you learned when you were a mom, he reflected.

He knew Amish families were pretty traditional and the husband and father made the decisions. But he was certain, having been around Jenny, that she would have some say in whether Joshua read the book.

While Joshua's solemn and friendly personality reminded Chris of Matthew, his inquisitiveness was obviously learned from Jenny.

"More meatloaf?"

Chris took the platter from Matthew. "I'll miss these meals."

Jenny smiled. "So nice to hear that you like my cooking."She slanted a look at her husband.

"Hey, I love your cooking," Matthew told her.

"You and Hannah are always teasing me about it. Even the children tease me."

He patted her hand. "Hannah learned to cook at our mamm's knee from the time she was little. You didn't. But you've done a fine job catching up." He studied her for a long moment. "Are we making you feel badly? We'll stop if it bothers you."

She smiled and shook her head. "No. It's okay. I know you're all just teasing."

After dinner, as Chris worked behind the horses doing the harvesting, he reflected on the path his thoughts had gone down.

Hours later, he unhooked the horses and took them to the barn, feeding and watering them before heading back to the dawdi haus to get cleaned up for supper.

The door opened just as he went to insert his key.

Chris frowned. Had he forgotten to lock it that morning? It wasn't a big deal. Doors didn't get locked a lot around here and with so many people moving around on the farm working, it was doubtful anyone could have deliberately broken in. And it wasn't like he had a lot—just a backpack with some clothes, a little cash, and his Bible.

Still, he pushed the door open slowly and was watchful as he moved inside. Because the place was so small, it took just a quick glance to see that he was alone.

After showering and dressing, he realized he had a little time before supper so he decided to read for a few minutes.But when he went looking for his library book, he couldn't find it. His Bible lay on the bedside table where he'd placed it the night before. The library book wasn't there or in the living room or on the table by the front door. He hadn't read it out on the porch that morning because it had still been dark outside, but he rummaged through the cushions of the porch furniture just in case.

Had Joshua taken it? No, he wouldn't do that, would he? Not after Chris had told him he'd need permission from his parents first.

Lost in thought as he left for supper, he didn't see Joshua approaching him until he nearly ran into him.

"Hi, Chris!"

"Hi." Chris paused. "Joshua, you know I said you may be able to read the book after I asked your father."

"Ya, I remember."

"I haven't talked to him yet."

"That's allrecht. You're not finished reading it yet anyway."

"No." They walked a few more steps. "Joshua?"

"Ya?"

"I can't finish the book if I can't read it."

"Why can't you read it?"

Chris stopped and put his hands on Joshua's shoulders."Son, are you sure you didn't take the book?"

"Take it?" Joshua's eyes grew big. "I didn't take your book, Chris!"

"The book is gone, Joshua. I couldn't find it anywhere."

"But I didn't take it!"

"What could have happened to it, then?"

Tears were forming in Joshua's eyes. "I don't know. But I didn't take it."

"Is something wrong?"

Chris saw Hannah hurrying toward them.

"Tell him I wouldn't take anything of his!" Joshua cried.

Hannah gathered him in her arms and looked at Chris over his head. "Of course you wouldn't. What's this about?"

"He wanted to read that library book, and I told him I couldn't let him unless his father said it was okay." Chris ran his hands through his hair and then shoved them into the pockets of his jeans. "Then I couldn't find the book when I came home today. I just asked him about it, that's all."

"You looked everywhere?"

"Of course."

"Well then, we'll look again. Come, Joshua, you can help us."

Chris followed them back to the dawdi haus and the three of them looked through the place.

"It must be somewhere," Hannah said at last.

"I didn't take it!"

"Shh, nee, of course you didn't," Hannah said, rubbing his back with her hand. "Chris isn't saying you did."

She looked at him over Joshua's head. "Are you?"

Her eyes were clear and steady on him but he saw no blame in them.

Chris shook his head. "Of course not. I just asked him about it when I couldn't find it. I thought maybe he borrowed it."

"Go on in the house," Hannah told Joshua.

"Are you going to tell Daed?" he asked Chris.

"There isn't anything to tell, is there?" Hannah said quickly.Her eyes begged Chris to agree. "All we have right now is a missing book."

Chris nodded. "I'm not saying anything."

Joshua ran ahead of them and let himself into the house.

"Come on, let's go on inside."

He touched her arm. "Hannah, I asked him if he had it but I didn't mean it to sound like I was accusing him—"

"I know."

She sounded so sure. Surprised, he stared at her. "You say that like you know me so well."

"I do. And I know Joshua. He takes things seriously. Just asking him if he knew where it was would have sounded like an accusation."

"I don't want Matthew and Jenny upset with me."

She touched his hand on her arm. "They won't be. We'll find the book and besides, even if you had given the book to Joshua without asking first, Matthew wouldn't jump to conclusions."

Chris glanced at her hand on his and grinned. "No? I remember how he jumped to some the first time we met."

He watched a blush creep up her cheeks. It was like watching a rose bloom, he thought. She had the most amazing skin.Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he dropped his hand and began walking toward the house. "Why are you here anyway? Were you invited for supper?"

"Nee. I promised to come over and help Jenny with something.I'm early."

Joshua was quiet at the table, but he tended to be sometimes.Jenny asked him something quietly and touched his forehead with the back of her hand, and he shook his head. Illness was a mother's universal answer for why a boy was being quiet or not eating much, he thought.

Chris felt guilty as he watched Joshua pushing the food around on his plate with his fork. He decided he should apologize when he got a chance and when he wouldn't be overheard.He hadn't expected that even asking him if he'd seen the book would upset him—but he should have remembered how sensitive he was.

Then, too, he hadn't thought about how different a child here might be from the ones he knew in the Englisch world. He doubted any of them would have reacted in the same way.

After supper, the children asked to be excused to play a game upstairs and Jenny nodded. The four adults were enjoying a second cup of coffee when there was a knock on the front door.

Matthew answered it, and when he returned, he looked at Hannah. "Bishop Miller's here to see you."

"Me?" Surprised, she got to her feet and followed him into the other room.

Jenny looked at Chris and shrugged. "Another slice of pie?" she asked him.

Chris shook his head. The piece he'd eaten was lying in his stomach like a cold stone.

"I don't believe this!" Hannah cried.

Jenny and Chris exchanged a look.

"Since when do you pay attention to anonymous notes? It's probably that old busybody Josiah and you know it! I did nothing wrong!"

There was a murmur of voices, Matthew soothing her and Bishop Miller saying something Chris couldn't distinguish.

Then Hannah stomped into the kitchen, her arms folded across her chest. Her eyes were flashing and two bright spots of color bloomed on her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Jenny, but I can't stay. Can I help you with that proofreading tomorrow?"

"Sure, but what's the matter?"

Hannah glanced at the doorway. "Matthew can tell you later."

He came back into the room. "He's gone."

"Good!"

"Hannah! He wasn't trying to upset you."

"Well, imagine the job he'd do if he were trying," she said with a sniff.

"He just wanted you to be aware that your actions could be misconstrued, that's all."

"That's all? You wouldn't have appreciated that sort of thing and you know it."

Their eyes locked and Chris wondered who'd back down first. Hannah was one strong-willed woman.

"He's just trying to protect your reputation."

"I can protect my own reputation."

Matthew glanced at Chris, then back at his sister. He sighed."Well, I'm sure we won't be hearing any more about this."

Chris put down his coffee. "Matthew, does this have something to do with me?"

When the other man reddened, Chris figured he'd correctly interpreted his look.

"Someone wrote the bishop a note saying Hannah had behaved inappropriately with you the other night."

Hannah threw herself into a chair. "It's absurd paying attention to an anonymous note. It's just cowardly. A person should have the courage to confront me or be quiet."

Chris realized that Matthew and Jenny were watching him.

"I'm sorry for causing you any embarrassment," he said, getting up. "I truly didn't think when I came over to check on Daisy."

"It's allrecht," Hannah muttered. "You were just trying to be helpful. I'm the one who should have insisted that you go." She looked up at him. "But I enjoyed the company."

He sat again. "I don't understand why it's okay for a woman to sit by herself at night in a barn. What about her safety? I don't care what anyone says about some place being safe, you just never know what could happen."

He stopped. No one knew better than he what bad things could happen to a woman . . . he reminded himself that this wasn't that situation. And Hannah was staring at him strangely.

"The thing is, if a man's sitting there talking to her and nothing inappropriate is going on—well, suddenly it's someone else's business?" He blew out a frustrated breath.

Chris couldn't help but notice that Matthew and Jenny exchanged a look.

"It's just so insulting," Hannah said, still upset. "If I haven't proven that I'm a woman who knows how to behave by now, what is the point?"

"She's right," Jenny said. "I know I'm new to the community, but it seems to me that the reputation of being a woman of virtue should protect you from spurious letters from anonymous senders."

"Spurious?" Matthew questioned.

When she opened her mouth to explain, he laughed and held up his hands.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help teasing. You have an amazing vocabulary."

She swatted him with the dish towel. "Well, I should, considering my occupation."

Hannah stood and hugged Jenny, then her brother. "I'm going home. I'll see you tomorrow to help you with the proofreading, Jenny."

"Of course."

"I'll walk you home," Chris said.

"There's no need—" Hannah began.

Chris gave her "the look" and she subsided.

After all, women weren't the only ones who could use it.

"Does this sort of thing happen often?"

Hannah glanced at Chris as they walked to her house, the flashlight she carried beaming a path for them. "The visit from the bishop?"

She shrugged. "Not often. After all, we know the Ordnung, the rules of conduct. We've been taught it since we were children.Mostly, our church leaders are there for us when we seek spiritual advice."

"It's awfully dark out tonight."

"I believe that's why they call it night," she told him.

"Very funny."

"Don't worry, I'll protect you if anything jumps out of the woods," Hannah teased.

"Maybe it's easier not to fear if you don't know of all the bad things in the world."

"We are a community that wishes to be apart, but it doesn't mean that we're not aware of the 'bad things' as you call them.We're not immune to accidents or—what is the expression? Things that go bump in the night."

He chuckled. "Yes, that's the expression."

They reached the steps leading up to her house.

"Wait," he said when she started to ascend the steps.

She turned and looked at him.

"I'm sorry if my actions caused a problem for you," he told her quietly.

"Don't worry about it. It's probably just cranky Josiah who sent it. He had a fuss when Jenny came here."

"He did?"

She nodded. "He eventually changed his mind. Well, that's actually going a little too far. He's . . . come to accept that she's not here to draw media attention to the community just because she is a journalist."

"Then why make a fuss about you?" Chris said suddenly."I'm the outsider. Why didn't the letter-writer complain about me?"

"I'm sorry, I'm not following you."

He repeated what he'd said and she shook her head. "I don't know. But it's not worth spending any more time or emotion on it. Don't you worry about it, either."

"Here," she said, handing him the flashlight "You can borrow this so you can walk back."

She stood on the porch watching the shining beam light his way and wished that she could take them back to the evening when they sat up talking all night.