"Goodnight then." Grace blew me a little kiss.
Charles inclined his head, coolly. He hadn't forgotten.
***
Alone in the bedroom, the rituals of undressing and brushing out my hair didn't calm me; the events of the evening kept coming back to me. I opened the window and leant on the sill, hoping the cool night air would soothe me. The moon was almost full, the sky pricked with stars. Some way off, a shrill shriek was suddenly cut short and I guessed an owl had found its prey.
I could hear the sound of the piano floating up from the drawing room, and then Grace's voice, singing that familiar lovely song: "I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls."
As I listened, I thought, bitterly, how appropriate. "I dreamt that suitors sought my hand..."
When she was near the end, I had to close the window. I couldn't bear it. But the words went on in my head:
I also dreamt which charmed me most
that you loved me still the same
that you loved me still the same...
I felt desolate, overcome with weariness. Slipping into bed, I blew out the candle and shut my eyes. I couldn't stop thinking of Grace. I'd tried to save her from what seemed to me a dreadful fate, but I'd failed. I felt a sadness as painful as when Papa died, a sadness that seeped into my very bones.
To distract myself, I stared at the inside of my shut lids, as I'd done as a child, and there they were ... shoals of tiny glittering fish swimming in an ink-dark river. And I found I could still do the trick of slipping out of my body and merging with them, flowing on and on in an endless stream, that carried me away...
Ahead the light grew brighter and brighter until in its heart I saw a figure. I came nearer and it was Grace, wearing a white dress with a circlet of pearls round her red-gold hair. I moved towards her and she held out her arms to me, smiling ... As we embraced, I closed my eyes and held on tight ... tight ... but then with a horrible sense of chill, I felt Grace shrinking, dwindling in my arms, her ribs pressing into my flesh ... I opened my eyes ... She lay in my arms, her eyes shut, her face white. I touched her thin cheek and it was as cold as marble. A voice said, "Let her go, Louisa. Lay her in her grave."
I came to in darkness, my heart pounding, my face wet with tears. I didn't know where I was.
"Mamma?"
No answer.
Trembling, I felt for the candlestick, and knocked something with my arm that fell with a crash. I got out of bed and fumbled around. Where was the candle? I caught my finger on something sharp, the stab of pain bringing tears to my eyes. I gave up my search and sat huddled with my arms wrapped round my knees.
"Lou? What's the matter?"
I lifted my head. Grace stood silhouetted in the doorway.
At the sight of her, I went weak with relief. "You're all right," I croaked.
She shut the door and setting down her own candle beside the bed, she crouched beside me.
"I broke the candlestick."
"It doesn't matter." She put her arm round me and I quivered at her touch.
"You're cold. Get into bed."
She helped me in, pulling up the covers and then sat beside me, a warm weight against my legs.
"I was on my way to bed and I heard the crash." She smoothed my wild hair from my face.
"Is it Uncle Edward? Is that what's making you unhappy?" Her voice was soft and low, full of concern. In the candlelight her hair shone like copper.
She was alive and so beautiful I ached to hold her. But I knew I couldn't, I mustn't. She mustn't know of my feelings that were so wrong. The longing to tell her and the knowledge I couldn't formed a choking lump in my throat, a spreading pain around my heart.
"Poor Lou." Her gaze dropped and her expression changed. "You're bleeding."
I looked down and saw a red stain on the white sheet. I sucked my finger.
"Let me see." She took my hand and bent her head over it, examining it. Her face was very close to mine. I could smell her perfume, see the hollow at her throat, feel her warm breath on my palm.
I didn't mean to ... but I had only to move my face an inch or two and my mouth found hers. Her soft lips were a surprise and my heartbeat quickened. A slow fuse lit inside me, the heat spreading from the pit of my stomach, until my whole body was suffused with it...
But then I realized that Grace wasn't responding but had turned to stone, my hand still gripped in hers.
I drew back and saw in her eyes such a look of shock and embarrassment, I had to look away.
After a long silence, I felt her weight shift.
"I—"
"Don't," she said, in a strange voice. "Don't say anything. And Lou, I won't say anything either, I promise. Not to anyone."
I heard the swish of her dress, the door click open and close again. She had gone.
***
I was overcome with an agony of shame. I screwed up my face and tried to shut out the memory, but still her expression haunted me.
What had I done?