***
I couldn't go to my bedroom; there was no way I was going to be able to lie still, let alone sleep. Lighting a candle from those standing ready in the hall, I took it into the conservatory and set it down. Then I strode, grateful for the cold air that cooled my hot face, glad to be alone amongst the shadowy silhouettes of fronds and leaves.
My elation didn't last long. All too soon it was replaced by anxiety. What had I done? What would Aunt Phyllis think of me? Surely I'd be sent home in disgrace. But even as these thoughts nagged at me, there was still part of me that wasn't sorry. I had spoken the truth, which we were always being told was the right thing to do.
I heard footsteps and turning, found Grace hovering in the doorway. I was relieved to see her. I dreaded facing anyone else, especially Uncle Bertram.
"Lou? Are you all right?"
"Yes. I think so." I swallowed. "Is your father still angry?"
She came closer. "I'm afraid he is. But Mamma is calming him down. Don't worry. He'll get over it."
I wasn't so sure, but I was comforted by the fact that she, at least, didn't seem upset, even though it was Charles who had provoked me most. But perhaps she didn't realise that.
"Shall we sit down?" She seemed nervous as if she thought I might suddenly erupt again.
When I settled on a chair, she visibly relaxed. "I didn't know—about you wanting to be a doctor. You never said."
"No. I was going to tell you, the last time I was here, but then—I was called home..." I trailed off.
She nodded sympathetically. "So how long have you had this ambition?"
I told her how I so wanted to go to the London School of Medicine for Women. She listened, nodding now and then encouragingly. It felt so good to be talking to someone who seemed to understand, someone who seemed to be on my side.
"Couldn't you? Study, I mean."
I told her about Tom's opposition—how I needed his approval and, more, how getting the money depended on his support.
"I could speak to Mamma, if you like. She might help you."
I smiled bitterly. "I don't think so. She wasn't very happy about the idea before and now I've upset your father..."
"Don't worry about that. Papa has a temper but he'll come round, if Mamma persuades him."
"Why would she?"
"She might, if I speak to her." Grace smiled. "She can't help indulging me."
I look at her, with a dawning sense of hope. "Would you?"
"Yes, of course. And, Lou"—she suddenly clapped her hands together—"I've had such a capital idea! When we come back from our travels, if you come to study in London, you must stay with us."
For a moment I was tempted. It was like a dream come true. But I told myself not to be stupid. I wouldn't just be living with Grace, but with Charles too, and the thought of seeing her with him every day was unbearable. Apart from the small matter of Charles having to agree to the idea...
Seeing my hesitation, she asked, "Wouldn't you like that?"
"I don't think Charles would."
"Oh, he'll agree, I'm sure. Besides, he's already warned me that when we return from Europe, I can't expect to see so much of him. He's an important man, you know, on all sorts of committees ... he'll hardly notice you're there."
I wondered whether Grace anticipated being lonely, and wanted me to stay for some company. I had a sudden vision of her life—long periods alone and then Charles coming home...
"Are you sure about this?"
"Yes! It would be lovely to have you."
"I mean your marriage. Are you sure about it?"
She gave a surprised laugh, but was frowning too. "Whatever do you mean?"
In the candlelight she looked so beautiful and suddenly, I couldn't bear it. Flinging myself on my knees in front of her, I grasped both her hands in mine.
"Please, don't do it. Please don't give yourself to that man. He's not worthy of you. He won't make you happy." She stiffened and tried to withdraw her hands but I hung on. "No, listen to me. You heard what he said tonight. I know you're excited about having your own home and everything, but what if, after a while, you want something else, something more. He won't allow it, will he? You know he won't."
Gently she pulled her hands away and this time I let go.
Her look was bemused. "It's sweet of you to worry about me, Lou, but really, you don't know Charles as I do. When you get to know him better—and I do so want you two to be friends—you'll see what a dear he is."
I could have said more, much more, but just then she raised her head and broke into a brilliant smile. I looked over my shoulder and my heart jumped.
Charles was standing in the door of the conservatory. How long had he been there? How much had he heard?
Ignoring me, he said, "Ah there you are, my dear. I've been looking for you. They want you to play." He seemed unperturbed. Perhaps he'd only arrived just that second.
Grace sprang up immediately and went to him. "Are you coming, Lou?"
"No. I have a headache. I think I'll go to bed now."