I craned my neck to look back at Stubby. He was openly weeping, and he was now slumped between the two agents, who were holding him up and moving him along while Stubby’s feet practically dragged on the ground.
“Stubby!” I cried out to him, and Donny’s grip on my arm got even tighter, but I didn’t care. I wanted him to know he wasn’t alone. I’d do whatever I could to help him.
By the time we made it to Donny’s car, I was crying so hard that I couldn’t catch my breath. It was a while before I realized that Donny had driven us a few blocks away and had parked on the side of the road. He was rubbing my back and waiting for me to get it together.
At last I lifted my chin and pleaded with him. “You have to help him, Donny! He didn’t do anything! He only wanted to warn her! That’s all! It was all because of me. I told him about her numbers. It’s my fault, not his!”
Donny rubbed my back again and squeezed my hands. When I could look at him without sobbing he said, “Kiddo, none of this is your fault. I promise you that I’ll help Stubs, but you have to be straight with me first.”
I sniffled and wiped my cheeks. “I have been straight with you. I told you all about the card.”
Donny eyed me critically. “Did you know that Stubs went to that high school to warn Payton?”
I shook my head vigorously. “No! I swear! He never told me. I thought he’d just mailed her the card. I had no idea he’d done that.”
“What about what her assistant coach said? That Stubby had an interest in her even before you saw her at the game?”
I shut my lids and put a hand on my forehead, so exhausted and distraught that I felt hot and feverish. “You know how much Stubs likes to watch the cheerleaders, right?” Donny nodded. “He heard that the Jupiter squad had challenged our squad to a matchup before the football game, so he went to watch. That’s when he saw Payton for the first time, and I don’t know…She was such a pretty girl and I guess he started crushing on her right away. He was curious, so he asked the coach a little bit about her. It was harmless, Donny, I swear!”
“I believe you,” he said. “But it doesn’t help us that he scoped her out before you saw her deathdate, Maddie.”
My eyes welled again, and I wanted to curl into a ball. It was my fault. If I’d never said anything to Stubby about Payton’s deathdate, then nobody would’ve ever heard about his casual conversation with her coach.
Then Donny said, “What’s the deal with the notebook?”
I shook my head and dropped my gaze to my lap, so ashamed to have him learn that I kept something like that. I knew how morbid it made me look. “It helps me cope,” I whispered. “I need to do something with all those numbers, Donny. They’re everywhere I look, and writing them down helps me deal. I see so many people who think they’ve got another fifty or sixty years ahead of them; they have no idea that death is so close. It breaks my heart all the time to think about that moment when they’ll know that they have way less time than they thought, how hard that must be for them to realize they’re about to lose everything and leave everybody they love behind.” What I didn’t say was that I thought it’d been that way for my dad, but I had a feeling that Donny knew exactly what I meant.
When Donny didn’t say anything I picked my gaze back up and saw his eyes were moist. He lifted his hand and cupped the side of my cheek. “I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you, kiddo,” he said. “I’m sorry you have to deal with that. And I’m sorry you have to deal with all this. I’ll do everything I can to help you, though, okay?”
I nodded, and without another word he drove us home. When we pulled onto my street we could see it crowded with vehicles and vans. Then I saw a few men and women wearing dark blue Windbreakers with FBI stenciled in yellow on the back. Our front door was open and the feds were walking in and out of it, carrying paper bags and my MacBook, which Donny had given me for Christmas the year before.
I cried out, and Donny pulled over in front of Mrs. Duncan’s house. As he got out to go confront the agents invading our house, I saw Ma dressed in her Drug Mart smock and standing with Mrs. Duncan. Ma’s whole body was shaking; she’d been crying, too. When she saw Donny she let out a sob and ran to catch up with him.
Part of me wanted to go comfort her, but I found that I couldn’t bring myself to move. I wanted to blame so much of this on Ma. If she hadn’t practically forced me to do those readings for strangers, we wouldn’t be in this mess. If she didn’t drink away all our money every month, we wouldn’t need the extra cash. If she hadn’t moved us here in the first place. If she’d known what the numbers meant when I was little. If she’d put it together sooner and had warned Dad…
If.
If.
If.
If I had never been born…
Except…
Except that Tevon would still be dead.
So would Payton.
And my dad…
Ma finally caught up to Donny, but her hysterics forced him to lead her away from the cluster of agents, and he walked with her back toward Mrs. Duncan’s. Across the street I saw Cathy and the rest of the Hutchinson family out on their front porch, openly gaping at the scene unfolding on our lawn.
Ignoring them, I got out of the car and headed up the walk toward our kindly old neighbor. “Oh dear,” Mrs. Duncan said, when she caught sight of me. “You look a fright, Maddie. Why don’t you come inside and I’ll fix you some tea?”
I sniffled and glanced at Donny. He had Ma wrapped in a hug while she cried on his shoulder, but he nodded at me and said, “I’ll be in soon. Go with Mrs. Duncan while I take care of your mom.”
I lowered my head, trying to hide my tears. Mrs. Duncan’s kindness touched me deeply. Once inside, she put me in her cozy kitchen, which was a bright yellow with gleaming white trim. It smelled like cinnamon. “Are you hungry, Maddie?” she asked.