I wouldn’t allow it to happen again.
We made our way through the commons, accepting the light breakfast of buttered bread and the tea they gave me, made from lily of the valley plants, to prevent unwanted pregnancy. I ignored Caelum’s pointed stare while I downed the drink, handing my empty cup back to the woman who passed them out to any who wanted it.
We continued on our way, and I winced when all eyes turned to me the moment we entered the caves where the fighters trained, and I knew there had been conversations about me since Melian had assigned me to the texts. I didn’t belong here; not when I had another task that needed my attention.
“She can’t expect you to spend all day locked up in that cave alone,” Caelum murmured at my side. His voice dropped lower, his tone becoming scathing. He didn’t approve of the task Melian had given me; rather, he didn’t approve of the fact that I would need to do it alone, away from him. “Perhaps I should mention that I can also read the Old Tongue. If translating these texts is so important to her, surely my time is better spent there than having me train with her fighters.”
“She believes we need to be kept separate as much as possible. I highly doubt she’ll approve of giving us more time together,” I said, scoffing as Caelum guided me toward the center of the training space. He hefted two practice swords off the rack, tossing one to me that I stumbled to catch by the hilt.
I hadn’t been able to lift Loris’s sword when he’d taught me how to defend myself, so we’d focused on daggers and my own body being my weapons. The wooden practice sword was weighty, but not to the point that my arms ached. Or perhaps that was due to the changes in me since being marked, since the increased strength had changed me from human into something more.
Caelum lifted his sword, eyes bright as he waited for me to strike. It went against everything I knew of fighting for me to make the first move, because my smaller body would always be at a disadvantage. I didn’t know how to fight when my opponent didn’t think me incompetent, and was prepared for even my minimal level of skill.
I spun the sword in my hand, testing the weight and adjusting to the unfamiliar object. I hated to think that my first time truly fighting with a sword would be with an audience to judge me, but I would not allow myself to be discovered helpless.
Never again.
“Come on, my star. Show them how bright you burn,” Caelum murmured softly. The soothing intensity of his eyes on mine shoved away those insecurities, bolstering me. The point of the exercise wasn’t to show off the skills I already had. It wasn’t to prove something to anyone but myself.
It was to learn.
I struck, moving my body in the way I’d so often seen the men do when they trained at the barracks at Mistfell. Caelum blocked the blow with a swift swipe, knocking my sword to the side.
I did it again, feeling awkward with the too-long weapon in my hand, trying to find a way not to have my weight thrown off balance.
“It is an extension of your body. Your sword is a part of you, Estrella. Not the most important part, not even your sole focus. You have the movements and the ability to fight inside of you. I’ve seen you disarm men with no weapon at all. This is just another tool. Nothing more, nothing less. Sink into that place you go when your life is actually in danger,” he said.
I inhaled deeply, letting my eyes drift closed as I reflected back to my terror in the woods on the day I’d lifted the tree branch to fight the Wild Hunt, and to the ghostly rider I’d stabbed with his own weapon. To the fear I’d felt in the caves the moment I’d awoken with a sword pressed to my chest.
I moved then, twisting my body with the fluid grace I hadn’t been certain I possessed. My body was small, and I was able to curve through spaces with more natural rhythm than a larger person could use. I jabbed the sword toward Caelum as if I might aim for his chest, dropping to my knees and spinning on them in the dirt as he moved to block the blow to his chest that no longer came.
I cracked the flat side of my wooden sword against his knee cap hard enough that the smack echoed through the room. Caelum grunted, a chuckle rising in his voice as I leaped to my feet and backed away as quickly as I’d attacked.
“There she is,” he said, his voice dripping with approval and physical attraction.
“It really isn’t normal how much you enjoy it when I hit you,” I said, taking a step backward when he came toward me slowly. I forced myself to hold my ground, tightening my grip on the hilt of my sword and readying myself for the attack I knew had to be coming.
“If you can hit me, you can hit anyone,” he said, stabbing toward me with a quick jab. I bent backward to avoid it striking me in the chest. “And I will very much enjoy watching you cut down our enemies at my side one day.”
His second stab came toward me to accentuate those words, and I raised my sword in a quick arc to shove his to the side. Caelum went on the offensive, stabbing and swiping at me so rapidly that all I could do was deflect his blows. There was no time for me to go on the offensive myself when I could barely defend myself against his attack.
“Come on, Estrella,” he pushed, aggravation tinting his voice as he urged me be faster. To be stronger than I was. “Sink into it and burn.”
I fought to regain my composure, searching for that place inside me where the flame of a star blazed, and for the ability to defend myself when I was too worried about death to fear a potential injury.
What I found inside me wasn’t a light. It didn’t burn with the brightness of a thousand stars in the night sky. What I found at the center of my body was a place so cold it burned as icy waters in the depths of winter burned, so far from the surface that nothing but inky darkness surrounded me.
I sank into that cold hollow inside of me, letting it wrap me into a familiar embrace. My fingers burned on the hilt of my sword as I shoved Caelum’s sword to the side, stepping toward him quickly and lifting my leg to press into his chest between his attacks.
I pushed him with all the strength in that leg, watching as he stumbled backward. He caught me by the ankle as a grin claimed his face, holding it so the bottom of my boot pressed to his chest. I bent my leg at the knee, leaning my weight into him and using it to drive him further away. Just enough that I could get my ankle loose from his grip and stand on my own two feet once more.
I hurried to strike while he was off balance, landing a sharp smack against the flesh of his belly as a woman’s laughter echoed through the room. Caelum paused, turning his attention to where Melian strode up to face us.