“Rise and shine!” a voice called from the commons, disrupting the moment while I tried to find a way to communicate what I needed from him. What I wanted more than anything was to feel alive, for even just a few moments, and to remind myself that I hadn’t died back with Brann. The future sprawled in front of me, just waiting for me to find my place in the world.
He sighed, hanging his head farther until his breath tickled my skin. Then he stood, moving to the corner and cleaning his teeth quickly with one of the small brushes and paste they’d provided for us. I followed, doing the same as I tugged on my boots, and immediately felt grateful for how much more human it made me feel to have a clean mouth.
We emerged into the hallway as soon as that was done, walking down it somewhat hesitantly as we followed the small crowd of people who’d been given private rooms. I clutched Caelum’s hand in mine, all my previous fighting words about going my own way during the day forgotten in the face of Jensen’s thoughts of how I should spend my days, serving the men.
I didn’t know what my strength would be in my new life, but I wanted it to be more than what the world would have assigned to me. I wanted to be more than a thing for men to use.
“I’ll look after Estrella,” Melian said, stepping up to us as we emerged into the commons. “You go with Jensen to the training rooms.”
The other man gave me a cursory nod before he turned away, waiting for Caelum to follow. Caelum pulled the dagger from his thigh sheath, handing it to me meaningfully. “Make sure you aim for the throat,” he said, leaning down to touch his lips to mine briefly before he sighed and followed after the one man he now probably wanted to kill.
“He’s feeling extra stabby this morning,” Melian said, nodding her head as she started walking down the tunnel toward the center of the mountain.
“He wasn’t fond of Jensen pushing for me to become a Lady of the Night yesterday,” I said, following at her heels. “I can fight. I may not be Caelum, but I disarmed two of your men.”
She paused mid-step and turned to stare at me with a sigh of frustration. “Jensen shouldn’t have said anything. We don’t have Ladies of the Night here, and we certainly don’t pressure women into becoming them. We have a few women who offer such services because they enjoy it, but it isn’t a shameful position, as it is above the surface. They’re respected positions. The women have private rooms, for obvious reasons. They’re pampered, and while I completely understand wanting a different life for yourself, one which isn’t dictated by your pretty face and the men who want to fuck it, you should know what you’re turning down.” She resumed her pace, leaving me to follow after her. “You would never have to leave the safety of the tunnels. You would never have to expose yourself to danger.”
“Even if I wanted a life of pampering like that, my relationship with Caelum would never allow it. It was an insult to him to ignore that. I’d rather be a fighter,” I explained.
“I think some distance between you and Caelum might be beneficial. You’re too attached. The Fae don’t just Mark our bodies with their mate bond. They steal our hearts. We’re not capable of the kind of life we might have had before them, and if he ever were to encounter his Fae on a mission above-ground, he would be unable to resist the call of her. As would you be, if you were to encounter your mate.
“Between the potential of the two of you finding your true mates and the very real possibility that death will take him away from you, I say this with your best interest in mind, Estrella.” She paused to take my hands in hers. They were as cold as ice, despite the warmth of the air surrounding us, and her intense gray eyes stared down at me as she tried to compel me to see the logic of her words, but my heart didn’t care about logic as she continued speaking.
“Play with him. Take him for a spin or ten; nobody would blame you. Our ways are much more fluid than above ground. We don’t save ourselves for some archaic concept of uniting two people in the eyes of the Gods. We try to discourage romantic entanglements with the Fae Marked now, for the benefit of everyone involved. Sex can just be sex, and you’re more than welcome to enjoy as many of the men here as you like. I guarantee the other girls will be looking to take Caelum for a spin.”
Jealousy thrummed through me, all-consuming and overwhelming with the constant reminder of what the other women in the tunnels would do to throw themselves at the man I already believed was too good for me.
“You’re wrong,” I said, my voice stumbling as if I wasn’t quite certain if I was trying to convince myself or her. “I have feelings for him. Strong feelings. That wouldn’t be possible if what you are saying were true.”
“Just guard your heart. This will only end in heartbreak, if you continue down this path.” She guided me further into the mountain, leaving the hustle and bustle of the busy community behind us in favor of the warmer central tunnels. I didn’t acknowledge her words that my relationship with Caelum would end in heartbreak. How could I argue against them when I’d thought them myself time and time again?
Caelum would ruin me. He’d tear me apart. I just had to believe he would still be standing there, ready and willing to help put me back together when it all came crashing down, but Melian’s words about him abandoning me in favor of his Fae mate would haunt me. I’d spend every night wondering if it would be our last. If he would be torn away from me in the morning, and, even worse, not even care about what we’d had or what we’d lost.
“Tell me about your life. Jensen said you were a harvester. As much as I would love to put you to work in the gardens, they’re done for the winter and putting you above ground comes with risk. We try to make sure the people who work on the surface in one place consistently aren’t Marked, otherwise…”
“They could lead the Fae here,” I said, nodding as I considered her words.
“Precisely. Many of our warriors are Marked, but they only go above ground when they’re planning to keep moving. It’s still a risk, but historically the Fae Marked make the best fighters. The Viniculum protects them against the Mist Guard, and they also have the advantage of quicker-than-human healing and a sort of boost in muscle mass and strength.”
We walked beyond the cavern that housed the baths. My body ached to soak in the warm spring, but I knew without a doubt that Caelum would never approve of me going there alone. I couldn’t blame him, because the thought of the other women watching him without me there made me murderous.
“I lived in Mistfell,” I said, to redirect my wayward thoughts. “My family wasn’t well off, but Lord Byron had me tutored privately in the Mistfell Manor. I can do basic arithmetic and read.”
“You can read?” she asked, a small smile taking over her face. “That is quite rare, indeed. A woman being taught.” She veered to the side, leading me through one of the side tunnels until we came to a wooden slab that served as a door.