33—ASHES
Late Sunday night, Lachlan drops me back off at Fairfax. We sit in his car, right outside of the front doors. I stare down at my hands, not wanting to go inside.
This weekend has been exhilarating; a breath of fresh air for me that I didn’t think I would ever have. It was ending too quickly. It felt like Lachlan was just picking me up for the weekend only a few minutes ago.
“I don’t want to do this,” Lachlan mutters.
My hands are shaking. I bite down on my lower lip and try my hardest not to cry.
“This was good for you, right?” Lachlan pivots in his seat and it causes his scent to drift over me. My resolve crumbles. A tear slides down my cheek. “Getting away was nice?” he says.
“I loved every second,” I whisper brokenly.
“So did I.” Lachlan leans closer, reaches out and grabs my hand. “I need you to go back in there and get better. You have no idea how bad I want to drive away right now with you in the car. Last night I thought about where we could go. Maybe go all the way to Maine. Or Florida?” He smiles. “But I could never finish the thought. I’d be too f*cking selfish to take you away right now. I know you can do this. Okay?”
“What if I can’t?” My voice breaks. “What if I’m really fading away and there’s nothing left of me?”
“Impossible.” He wraps his hand around the back of my neck. Our foreheads touch and our eyes are inches apart. “Someone can only fade away if there’s nothing left for them. But there’s me and you. We’ll always be something strong enough to keep you going.”
Tears fell from my face and onto the leather of the seat. Lachlan didn’t brush them away and I didn’t want him to brush them away.
I dry my face with the back of my hand and sniffle. I look over at Fairfax with dread. “The last two days I actually felt normal. I want to always feel that way.”
“You’re going to feel that way again. Really soon.”
Lachlan pulls me back into a tight hug. This is the last one. It’s the good-bye hug that I’ve been dreading all day. His grip is tight and it’s like he’s hoping he can press the pieces of my life back together.
I wish he could. I wish it were that simple.
I pull away first and grab the door handle before the second round of tears come. Before I get out and walk away, I kiss Lachlan hard on the lips. My eyes squeeze shut and I grip his shirt. I let my lips linger for a few seconds before I rip myself away.
I jump out of the car and grab my bag. The bitter air makes the warm tears pooling at the edge of my eyes frigid, like a frozen icicle. I think of that icicle on the tree, my icicle, and it gives me enough strength to trudge forward and not look over my shoulder.
Back to hell I go.