32—FIRE
I’ve decided that love is a sickness.
But not at first.
At first it’s delicious. Just like a dessert. Nothing compares to that first bite. And you don’t savor, but you become ravenous. You know this could be the best thing you’ve ever had, so you keep tasting, you keep taking. Your greed clouds reason and by the time you realize you’ve gone too far, it’s too late. The love is gone and you’re left with nothing but pain.
If I knew all this, why was I setting myself up for the pain?
Twigs snapped underneath my shoes as I paced. The moon was out, chasing away the heat. In the distance I could hear crickets. I didn’t stop to appreciate the sounds or the peacefulness of this moment. I was too angry at myself. Angry that I had answered Lachlan’s call last night. Angry that I had agreed to meet him here.
He said that he’d be flying in today and staying for a week. Once upon a time, Lachlan coming back home would’ve made my entire year. But after that kiss everything had changed. I thought things would remain the same, but I was wrong. The summer I turned eighteen, I waited and waited for him, but he never came home. He’d said that it was a busy summer with his internship and he said that with his carefree voice, like he knew that I would always be in McLean, waiting for him. But could I blame him?
If the past showed us anything, it was that I was standing there, always waiting for him. But all of that was about to change. Maybe he knew I would be leaving here. Maybe that’s what made him come home.
He still e-mailed me and I got calls from him daily. Technically, I knew more about him than ever before. I wanted to see him face to face. I needed his physical presence just as bad as his words.
I heard the sound of footsteps and turned. Lachlan was walking this way. His gaze was on the ground and his hands were pushing branches away from his face. He finally glanced up and stopped in his tracks.
We took each other in.
He was wearing jeans, and a gray t-shirt that was loose around his stomach and stretched tight around the shoulders.
I wiped my palms on my shorts as he came closer. My heart was drumming in my chest. The sun tinted his hair a golden brown. It was longer than normal, with strands brushing against his forehead. There was stubble on his cheeks and jaw. And those eyes that drove me crazy were less playful and more serious.
I skipped formalities, just like I always did with him. “Did you just get in?”
He nodded and took a step forward. “Landed an hour ago.”
I looked around. “How was your flight?”
He looked at me carefully and took a step forward. “It was boring. I planned on getting some paperwork done, but I was seated next to a guy who talked to me the whole time,” he said conversationally.
I smirked. Right about now would be the time I would ask for the entire story. But right now I had too much I needed to get off my chest.
“Have you been waiting long?” he asked.
I walked around slowly, kicking an acorn back and forth. “I haven’t been here too long.”
“Good. I was—”
I didn’t want to stand here and pretend that everything was the same. I stopped short and quickly turned around.
“I’m getting out of here, Lach,” I said in a rush.
Not a sound was made. It was as though my words sucked the air around us.
Lachlan stood perfectly still. “What?”
“I got accepted to Millikin University.” I smiled, but Lachlan didn’t return my smile. “It’s a private college in central Illinois. I-I’ve always wanted to apply there, and I finally got the courage.”
I waited for him to say something, but he never did. He tucked his hands into his pockets, rocked back on his heels. His eyes became fixated on the trees behind me.
“When are you leaving?” he finally asked.
I watched him carefully. “In a few weeks.”
He looked at me and I saw the misery in his eyes. “That’s great.”
“Is it?”
Lachlan nods.
I stepped forward. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m happy for you, Naomi.” He smiled, but it never reached his eyes.
“Are you?”
“Of course.” He crossed his arms and looked back at the trail.
I placed my hand on his arm. “You always told me to dream and to want something outside of McLean. So I did. And now I’m getting out of here and you look…”
His chin lifted. He looked me square in the eye. “I look what?”
“You look angry,” I said very quietly.
“I’m… frustrated. Just when I’m coming back home for good, you’re up and leaving.”
If this wasn’t happening to me I would’ve laughed at the irony, but all I could do was breathe through the pain of knowing that the world was against us. The thought occurred to me then that we would probably never have the perfect opportunity to be together.
“I knew someday you were going to get the hell out of this place. I just didn’t expect it to be now.”
Before he came here I’d had every intention of letting him know just how angry I was. I planned on yelling at him. So where was that anger now?
“I’ve been here the entire time. What stopped you from coming home?”
“You were seventeen!”
“So?”
He tilted his head to the side. “You’re just a—”
I backed away. “I swear to God if you say kid I will lose it!” I yelled. “You’ve known for a long time that the years have caught up with us. The age gap isn’t so wide anymore. You knew it last year and you knew it a few years ago when you kissed me!”
His shoulders straightened defiantly. His lips were in a tight line. He wanted to deny my words so much. Instead of shouting and letting the truth free he took a step back, and then another.
“I’m not going to stand here and fight with you,” he finally said.
“So you’re going to leave?” I said to his retreating figure.
“It’s better than this!” he shouted over his shoulder.
“I told you a long time ago that I love you. I still do.”
He stopped and turned. I licked my lips nervously.
“Are you leaving because you’re angry with me or because what you’re feeling scares you?”
His hands were on his hips and his jaw ticked. His eyes swept over everything but me. “Naomi…”
“Are you?” I persisted.
I stood there, my hands clenched at my sides, waiting for him to answer my question. I told him the truth long ago. I deserved the same. I deserved to have him look me in the eye when he finally did.
Seconds ticked by. It felt like years. And then his hazel eyes locked with mine.
“Do you love me?” I asked.
Lachlan was rigid, not saying a word. My heart pounded in my chest with fear.
He took that step forward. A step I had been waiting on for years. He ate the distance between us, and when he reached me, he gripped my face with both hands. His lips touched mine.
You know that one of a kind kiss? The one that takes all your pain, fear, insecurities, sadness and destroys it within seconds? The kiss that brings you back to life?
That was this kiss.
I stood on my tiptoes. I gripped his shirt with one hand and wrapped the other around his neck.
He backed me up until my shoulders touched the tree. I forgot about the world around us. Everything was put on pause and it was just the two of us.
Our hands reached for each other’s clothes at the same time with quick and impatient jerks. He fumbled with the buttons on my dress. He worked down my stomach, the material loosening around my body. His finger grazed my stomach as the last button popped free. My dress parted, exposing my pale, pink bra. My nerves were tingling. I wanted him to touch me, but I took this chance to grab the hem of his shirt. His arms lifted. Up and over his shirt went.
We didn’t reach for each other. We stood there, taking each other in. I had waited years for this moment and it was finally here. My eyes traveled down his body. The smooth skin of his chest. His abs tightened, becoming ridged with each heavy breath he took. My hands curled into tight fists when I looked at the muscle above his hips, the one that forms a V and makes my brain go haywire.
My hands were shaking as I reached for the clasp in between my breasts. It unhooked and the material of my bra parted, grazing against my ribs.
I stayed in place, wanting him to have time and look at me. Just like I did with him.
I looked at him and my heart started to frantically beat. His eyes were more than intense. They were almost desperate and showed me that maybe I hadn’t been the only one waiting for this to happen.
Lachlan swore before he crashed into me. The skin-to-skin contact made me gasp. His mouth moved over mine. I tilted my head back, my fingers digging into his biceps.
His hands drifted across my skin and his lips followed. I felt his warm breath on my breast, felt his tongue flick against my nipple.
“Keep going,” I urged.
I’d never felt so much heat in my body. It felt like I was seconds away from bursting into flames. I didn’t want it to stop.
He curled one hand into my hair. The other gathered the material of my dress, bunching it around my waist before he cupped my ass. He held me against him and I could feel just how hard he was.
I breathed through my nose and traced the taut muscles of his stomach.
Lachlan hissed through his teeth. He rested his forehead against mine as I unbuttoned his pants. My thumbs slipped past the material of his boxers. My hands were shaking and I started to breathe hard. I was ready to see and feel him.
That’s when Lachlan jerked away, as if a bucket of cold water had been poured over his head.
He stood there panting with his pants dangerously close to falling off his hips. I knew I didn’t look any better. My hair was messy from his hands and my lips were bruised from his kisses. I held my dress together with one hand.
“I’m not going to do this here.” His voice was raw.
“Why not?” I breathed.
His eyes were still white-hot, but they softened as he looked me up and down. “You’re Naomi,” he said, like it explained everything.
“I don’t care where we do this.” I meant that.
On the floor, in a bed, or even against a tree. It didn’t matter where, I just needed him and I needed my arms around him. I was back to square one with love. Where I was oblivious to the pain and completely starving.
“Touch me right now,” I whispered and let go of my dress. The material slid down my arms. Nipples hardened. Goose bumps covered my skin.
His mouth opened, but not a sound came out.
He came back to me before the last word had slipped from my mouth. His hands gripped the back of my thighs, lifting me up.
“Wrap yourself around me,” he said.
I eagerly hooked my legs around him.
“But my underwear,” I protested.
I grabbed the waistband, intent on pulling them down but he beat me to it. Material ripped and fluttered to the ground. I watched, breathlessly, as he reached for his wallet from his back pocket, and grabbed a square foil packet. The wallet dropped to the grass. He lowered his boxers. He was stiff, inches away from my thighs. I watched, my body shaking and he put the condom on.
His movements were slow and I swear he did it on purpose, letting me take a good look at him. I wanted to wrap my hands around him, the skin looked so soft. I reached out. Lachlan intercepted my hand, holding my wrist gently. He looked at me, his lips curved in a wicked smile.
I lifted my hips. His dick brushed against my thigh.
That wicked smile faded.
He pushed himself inside me slowly. Making me feel every single inch. My mouth parted. My eyelids fluttered shut. This felt too good.
I waited for him to move, but he stopped. His hand curved around my jaw, forcing me to look at him. And I realized he wanted to watch me. He wanted to watch my reaction as he moved inside me for the first time.
“Move,” I panted. “You have to move.”
I thought he was going to make me beg. And, honestly, I knew I would. Lachlan could get me to do just about anything.
“Lachlan,” I gasped. “Move.”
He finally gave me what I wanted. I felt relief, only for a second. He started to slide in and out of me faster. Just when I would start to find his rhythm, he would move his hips and my mind would black out.
He kissed me hard on the mouth in a kiss that wasn’t meant to be sweet, but a kiss that was meant to brand me forever.
I was his.
The tree bark dug into my skin and it fueled me to arch my back, and tighten my legs.
My head turned. I saw our shadows slanted across the grass. I blinked a few times, finding it impossible to accept that this was us. The man’s hands were above her head, leaning against the tree for leverage. His knees were slightly bent as he rocked into her. They found a rhythm. Her head tipped back and she tightened her body around him like a second skin. Her hand curved around his neck before they drifted over broad shoulders and to his back. Her fingers sank into his soft skin and when he withdrew she dragged them across his skin, knowing that there would be claw marks left behind. Their bodies never broke contact.
The scent of sweat lingered in the air. That didn’t stop them. Nothing would stop them. They would keep moving, keep finding new places to touch each other just as long as this feeling never faded away. “God, I love you,” he said in a low voice.
His words slipped past my skin, ran through my veins and went straight to my heart.
My skin started to tingle, until it felt alive. Tears welled up in my eyes. Stay, stay, stay, I thought to myself frantically. I didn’t want this feeling to leave me. I tried to pace myself, but it was futile. I was past that mark. My muscles tightened and my eyes shot open and above me the sky blurred into a gray mist. My body felt incredible, almost weightless.
The sensations started to ebb, making me feel boneless.
My head dropped to his shoulders and I held on as Lachlan moved inside me with frantic thrusts before the heels of his feet lifted off the ground and held his body in place for a second. His head was back, giving me a view of his jaw and neck. He shouted incoherently, his body shuddered. I smiled faintly and kissed his shoulder.
I felt his heart beating violently.
His head dropped onto my shoulder. I heard him say again against my skin, “God, I love you.” I curled my fingers into his hair.
He held me because I couldn’t move. I felt like a rag doll. My legs and arms still dangling around him.
When my heartbeat started to slow, he finally released me. My feet touched the ground. I stumbled a few steps away, like I had forgotten how to walk.
I fixed my clothes and the whole time Lachlan stood perfectly still. His chest heaved and his head rested against the tree.
I slid the last button in place and swallowed. “Please don’t tell me you regret it,” I said tentatively.
His eyes closed as if he was in pain. He straightened and tossed the condom off and buttoned up his pants. He finally saw his wallet on the ground. He frowned at it like he had no idea how it got there.
“I probably should, shouldn’t I? But I can’t.” He pointed to where the two of us had been entwined. “I’ll never regret that.”
“Then why do you look like that?”
He grabbed his shirt and put it on with quick, angry jerks. It slid in place and he stared at me with shock.
“I’m not finished!” He exploded.
I stopped in my tracks, my eyes wide.
“You’re leaving here and I’m so f*cking proud of you,” he whispered. “But if tonight showed me anything, it’s that I love you and I’m never going to get you out of my system.”
My lips parted but I didn’t say a thing. I was still reeling from his words. I love you coming from Lachlan would never get old. Those three words sent a jolt through my body.
He laughed humorlessly. “I don’t want to let you go.”
I didn’t want him to let me go. I wanted to stay beside him for the rest of my life. I didn’t tell him how I felt though. That small voice in my head whispered to me, telling me that the minute I said what I wanted, it would never come true.
I walked over to him, my arms wrapping around his waist. My face was bent, looking up at him. He leaned down, his lips moving slowly over mine. Everything I didn’t say, I poured into that kiss. Lachlan responded back, holding me so tightly I could barely breathe.
I pulled back first.
“We should get back,” I said with regret.
I held out my hand. He grabbed it, swallowing it within his own. I always had to keep up with his long strides, but tonight he walked slowly. The grass crunched underneath our feet.
“I’m nervous,” I said.
“About leaving McLean?”
“About leaving you. McLean. Everything I know,” I admitted.
He squeezed my hand. “Don’t worry, you’re gonna be fine.”
“I don’t know if it’s normal to feel this nervous.”
“You’re starting a new chapter, of course it’s normal.”
I wanted to ask him if he would visit me.
I was afraid to be somewhere without him. Even when he was away from McLean, I still had the comfort of the treehouse and the memories of us. If I left, I was afraid my memories would stay behind.
His house came into sight. The lights were on and I saw shadows moving within. My grip tightened. I wasn’t ready for him to go. “Have you seen your parents yet?”
“Just for a second. I dropped my bags off and came to you.”
I smiled. I was his first priority.
We reached the tall oak tree. Both of us stared up at the treehouse. Throughout the years Lachlan’s dad had replaced rotted out boards, but the years were starting to take their toll.
Something was so final about tonight. It felt like I was closing a chapter of my childhood. No more late nights, sitting in the treehouse and spilling my heart out to Lachlan.
The wind picked up. I blamed it for the tears in my eyes.
“Lachlan?” his mom said.
Lachlan shot me a look. We didn’t want tonight to end and we definitely didn’t want someone else interrupting us.
Lachlan let go of my hand. “Stay,” he mouthed before he walked up to the deck. I stood behind the oak tree, like an escapee. I peeked and watched Lachlan and Magy.
“Mama,” he greeted.
The two of them hugged and she gave him a kiss on the cheek before she pulled back to look at him.
I loved the way Magy Halstead loved her son. It shined in her eyes and the way she talked to him. She was a small woman that came up to Lachlan’s shoulders. Even though she was small, she was fierce. No one went up against her.
Every time I saw her, she always said hi, but she would look at me very carefully, like she could see past my eyes to what was really inside of me.
It always scared the shit out of me.
“Your dad said your flight landed hours ago,” Magy said. “Where have you been?”
“I was with Naomi.”
Magy said nothing. I watched as her lips thinned in disapproval. “How is she?” she asked tightly.
“Good.” Lachlan crossed his arms and leaned back against the railing. “She’s leaving for college soon.”
“That’s great,” she murmured.
Great for Magy, maybe.
“Of course,” Lachlan said. “I’m really proud of her.”
The two of them were silent. Magy stared out before she walked over to him and mimicked her son’s actions.
“I remember how she would always be up in the treehouse, always creating stories about getting away.”
Lachlan looked over at his mom. “You heard all that?”
“Of course. My bedroom window was open in the summer. I always heard you two.”
Lachlan grinned. I tapped my head against the tree and grimaced with embarrassment.
“You didn’t think she would get out of McLean?”
“I had my doubts,” she said honestly.
I watched Lachlan’s shoulders stiffen.
“Why?” he said.
“Lachlan…” she sighed. “I don’t know if she can stay that far from you. From the minute she saw you she instantly had a crush on you that’s grown into love and a level of attachment that sometimes makes me wonder.”
Lachlan stood straighter. His head tilted imperceptibly in my direction. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Magy looked at her son carefully. “And I think somehow along the way she got ahold of you.” She reached out and tapped her hand on Lachlan’s chest, right where his heart beats. “She still has a piece of you.”
He didn’t lie or make up excuses. He faced his mom and said in a deep and steady voice, “I love her.”
She didn’t argue or try to prove Lachlan wrong. Instead, she nodded and pursed her lips in thought.
“Describe it to me,” she said suddenly. “Describe your love for her.”
“Mama…” Lachlan said. Magy wouldn’t budge. She stood there, waiting for her son to answer. “What you’re asking me to describe… I can’t. It’s like asking me to describe fresh water. I need it to live. I need her to live.”
Magy took a deep breath. “I like Naomi,” she said casually.
I wanted to snort. Even Lachlan looked at his mom skeptically.
“I do,” she insisted. “But this has nothing to do with liking her. It’s the fact that she has a level of need for you that is so intense and powerful that nothing can shake it. I just don’t think you realize how much of yourself you’ll have to give to be with her.”
“Why are you saying this?”
Magy was silent. She crossed her arms and leaned against the rail. “When you really love someone… you’re in it for life. It’s so easy to use that four-letter word at the beginning, where everything is so simple and perfect. If Naomi loves you like I think she does, then you need to be there no matter what. Her happiness, fear, and pain—even her thoughts—become yours and you need to do everything to make sure it stays that way.”
My eyes widened, completely shocked that Magy Halstead had just uttered those words.
“I’m not going to run,” Lachlan vowed.
“Good.” As an afterthought she added, “Don’t let her down.”
“I won’t.”
Her lips pulled up at the corners and she hugged Lachlan. “Good to have you home, honey.” Before she turned away, she looked over Lachlan’s shoulder, and directly at me.
I stood there, just waiting for her to call out my name. But she turned and walked inside.
The door clicked shut.
Lachlan was frozen, like he was carved from stone. I came out from my hiding place and walked toward him. He stared out into the fields with a faraway look in his eyes. I stood next to him and rested my head against his arm.
“I know you heard,” he said.
“Every single word.”
He looked at me with regret. “My mom, she was just—”
“Being a mom,” I finished for him. “She was right in everything she said.”
He looked at me thoughtfully and said very quietly, “I do love you.”
I smiled faintly. “I love you too… but love doesn’t solve everything. So where do we go from here?”
Lachlan closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I can’t ask you to stay in McLean. You deserve to get away and have that college experience…” He let his words linger. And I hoped that whatever he said next wouldn’t tear my heart to shreds.
“So you’re going to go off to college, and I’m going to be here, waiting.”
“In Mclean?”
Lachlan nodded. “After my internship, I was only supposed to be in Pittsburgh for a year. That year is almost over with and then I’ll come back home.”
I knew that. I just didn’t know the part about McLean. I laughed at the irony. The world was playing a cruel joke on the two of us. Right when we decide to give this—us—a try, one of us had to leave.
My laughter died and my heart ached. I stared at him with a look of devastation. He opened his arms and I walked into his embrace willingly.
“I promise,” he whispered into my ear, “I’ll be here.”