CHAPTER 34
CERYS
The small town on the edge of the Adriatic Sea is filled with holidaying families. I keep my focus on the map so I don’t catch sight of anybody’s happiness. Horrible to begrudge someone else of this, but I’m too raw. Ella’s hair and skin colouring match so many of the local children that I despair of finding her at all.
The movement of the car lulled me to sleep on the two hour drive and I wake up to face that five second realisation and stomach plummeting as my mind catches up with the world I’m in. I sit quietly in the car park while Liam books us into yet another suite. The tall, modern hotel faces a road; and across from there, trees line a path, which heads toward a busy beach. Loungers and umbrellas are set in regimented lines, midway through the day and they’re covered in towels and tourists. Is Ella one of them?
In the room, I dump my things and pour over the emailed pictures on the laptop again. Liam orders room service and as he tucks into a large pizza. I pick at a salad and stare at the blurry image of who could be my daughter.
“Do you have the address where these were taken?” I ask him.
“Yes,” says Liam, warily
“Then why aren’t we there?” I grab my handbag from the floor. “Liam?”
Liam drops his slice of pizza onto his plate and rests his hand on mine. “I need to eat, Cerys; and we need to decide what to do. What if we find him? How do we get her home?”
I snatch my hand away. “If he doesn’t let her come with us, we’ll call the police!”
“He might be reasonable.”
I arch an eyebrow. “I don’t believe you just said that! Is anything about his behaviour reasonable?”
“Five minutes, Cerys, and we’ll go. But I want you to eat that before we do.” He indicates the salad I’ve taken two mouthfuls of. “I haven’t seen you eat anything for a day.”
The constant nagging about my eating leads to flare ups between us; and right now, I need Liam behind me a hundred percent. I force myself to eat a forkful of the fresh, green salad that tastes of nothing to my dull senses.
“There’s something worrying me,” Liam says quietly as he watches. “About us, not Ella.”
“What?” I stab some more salad onto my fork.
“I think you might blame me.”
“What for?”
“If you weren’t with me, he might not have taken her.” Liam looks intently at his pizza.
I curl my hand around his. “Don’t think that, it’s not true.”
“You even said it yourself. I should’ve kept away.”
“No, Liam! Our relationship doesn’t excuse his bastard behaviour! This is all him and not you.”
He turns to me; and the wariness I’ve seen in his eyes and his next words explain why he’s lost his cool with me a couple of times over the last few days. “I worry that when we find Ella and you go home that you’ll end this.”
“Do you really think I’m that callous? That I’m using you?”
“No! I just know you’ll do whatever it takes for Ella, and put her first. I get that I’m on the edge of your lives still.”
“Liam. Please. My brain can’t cope with conversations about us.” I turn his face to mine, stroking his cheek. “I love you though; is that enough for you to hear now?”
Liam scrunches his face up, the way he dos when he’s trying not to say something wrong. He studies me for a moment. “After we find her, we have some talking to do,” he says. “And I love you too, more than you know.”
“I think I know.”
And we’re dragged from our tiny moment of Liam and Cerys back into the nightmare reality of my missing daughter. The trail of thoughts starts in my head again, and I fight against reaching the conclusion I always do.
What if I never see her again?
****
The address Liam has is a holiday rental close to the beach, a private apartment in a small complex, which means there’s no reception area to ask or show the pictures to. We park a few hundred metres down the street with the low-rise building in view. The apartment is opposite a lawned area. Trees act as a barrier between there and the road, and the entrance to the building is along a narrow lane. Liam’s white hatchback hire car is less conspicuous than his normal vehicle choice. Liam suggests we wait in the car, I watch everybody that passes like a cat stalking its prey, coiled ready to run out and grab Ella. Each minute that passes the more pressure builds in my head. If I don’t see her soon, I’ll get out of the car and look for her. Where, I don’t know.
Most of the passersby come to and from the beach, holidaymakers enjoying the warm sun. As time passes and the sun lowers, the number of people leaving increases. A little girl and a man head from the direction of the beach toward us and I lean forward, straining my eyes as I wait for them to come into view. Something in the man’s gait is familiar, years with Craig and I’m confident I can spot him from a distance.
The salad I ate earlier fights its way from my knotting stomach as the pair continue to walk along the path on the opposite side of the road. I go to open the car door and Liam touches my hand.
“No. If it’s them, let them go inside and we’ll go to the apartment.”
The brown-haired girl across the road is wearing a pink swimming costume, the same one I packed in her bag over two weeks ago. I choke her name in a sob and scrabble with the door handle.
Liam grips my hand. “No, don’t! Wait.”
I yank my hand away. “You don’t understand; I can’t sit here!”
“Cerys! Wait like I said, please.”
He fights to get hold of my arms as I smack his chest, catching them in a strong grip, stopping me going to my daughter. “I can’t sit here! You don’t understand! If Ella was your daughter, you would!” I scream at him.
Liam drops his hold, and I recognise the instant hurt in his eyes before he looks away. I hesitate, torn between charging across the road to Ella and fixing the terrible thing I said to Liam. “I didn’t mean...”
Liam doesn’t speak, a muscle twitching in his cheek as he stares ahead.
“Liam?”
If he’s not going to talk to me. I throw open the car door and run across the road in my thin sandals.
“Ella!”
Ella looks over. Craig has hold of her hand and when Ella tries to pull away, he keeps hold. “Mummy!”
“Oh, my God, Ella! Are you okay?” Reaching them, I kneel down and hold my daughter to my chest as if I let her go she’d disappear again. Ella’s hot from a day in the sun and smells of sunscreen. I kiss her cheek, and bury my face into Ella’s hair.
Gripping Ella to stop myself hitting him, I stare up at Craig’s ashen face. “Why?” I ask.
“Daddy said your phone was broken. I wanted to talk to you.” Ella reaches a hand out and touches me cheek. “Why are you crying? Didn’t you want to see me?”
“Of course I did, baby, I’m just really happy and it made me cry.” I hold both of her cheeks in my hand and kiss her soft face.
Craig drops Ella’s hand and continues to stare at me, not speaking. His brown eyes are darker due to the black circles beneath and I don’t think the pale stress on his face is only due to this moment. I glance over my shoulder; Liam is still in the car.
“I thought she’d like a holiday,” he says finally.
“Without telling me? Refusing to contact me? That’s not a holiday!”
“Daddy said we could live by the sea, but I said I wanted to live near my friends at home.”
I narrow my eyes at Craig, as his lies are unravelled by his daughter. A young couple passes us by, hand in hand, heading to the beach with their towels. They glance at us curiously, and I meet the concerned eyes of the blonde-haired woman. I look away.
“Are you on your own?” Craig asks as the couple continues by.
“You mean are the police with me?” I snap.
“No, I mean is he with you.”
I push myself up and stand as close to him as I can without touching, itching to smack his face with my shaking hand. “You mean Liam? Yes. He’s spent the last two weeks with me looking for Ella.”
We stare at each other for a few moments as I try to regain control of my breathing. This man’s face is impassive, as if he has nothing to lose in the situation.
I draw a ragged breath. “Craig, where are you staying? Can we talk?”
Craig doesn’t answer because Liam appears at my shoulder. The two men regard each other silently, but I know Craig well enough to see that he’s intimidated by Liam. Craig shifts his gaze to me.
“Hey, Ella,” says Liam quietly but doesn’t touch her.
Ella looks up at her dad as if expecting permission to talk to Liam and my anger grows when she doesn’t respond. What has Craig said to her? If I hurt Liam with my outburst in the car, Ella just rubbed salt into the wound.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to do this in the street,” says Liam to Craig in a cold voice.
“Fine, we’ll talk,” says Craig stiffly.
The open-plan apartment is clean apart from Ella’s clothes strewn across the tiled floor. I spy new toys in a corner, and a colouring book with marker pens are scattered across the table next to half-empty packets of biscuits. I sit on the grey sofa, and Ella climbs onto my lap. She grew up with tension between me and her dad and is well aware the atmosphere is about to descend into unpleasantness.
I hug Ella, burying my face in her shoulder fighting the tears; I won’t let Craig see me crying anymore. The aching gap in my soul is filled again by Ella’s presence; but as I glance at Liam who leans against the kitchen counter, I realise another part of my soul is severed. He won’t look at me.
“We’ve come to take Ella home,” I say, pissed off when my voice wavers.
“And we’re staying here.” Craig stands in front of the door.
“Why? What’s the point? You don’t have anything or anyone in Italy!”
“I’m not talking to you about my plans.”
“If you don’t let Ella come home, I’m calling the police.”
Craig scoffs. “Do what you want.”
“But I want to go home, Daddy,” says Ella in a small voice.
“Don’t you want to live by the sea?” he asks gently.
Her eyes shine with tears and Craig’s selfishness rips at my heart. “She wants to go home,” I tell him.
“What’s the difference?” he snaps.
“Difference to what?”
“When you and him”— he indicates Liam with his head— “take her away from me. When you go and live in some fancy house in America with your rich boyfriend, how’s that different?”
“Well, for a start, if that ever happened, and it is an ‘if’, then I’ll tell you! And I won’t hide or stop you talking to her. Do you understand what you’ve put me through?” My chest constricts with each word, breath coming in shorter bursts. “I thought I’d lost her! Anything could’ve happened!”
“She was with me! Her dad!” yells Craig.
Ella buries her head into my chest, covering her ears as our voices raise. “Ella, why don’t you show Liam where your bag is, and we can pack?”
“No, you don’t!” Craig moves toward me and Ella, but Liam steps in the way. I can’t see the expression on Liam’s face, but it’s enough to make Craig back off.
“Ella?” Liam asks.
“Daddy says you’re not very nice, but I think you are because you make Mummy happy,” she replies.
I choke back the tears I promised I’d hide, aware how this is hurting Liam further. “You know Liam is a nice man.”
“Yeah, because he took her to f-ucking Disneyland!” snarls Craig.
“No! Jesus, Craig, do you think Ella only likes Liam because of what he can buy her?”
Liam quietly persuades Ella to climb off my lap. We exchange a look and I nod to indicate I’m okay to talk. I don’t want Ella in the room.
“This was the whole point of mediation. Why the hell did you do this?” I hiss as soon as the door clicks closed.
“Because you were taking her from me!”
“I was not! You got to see her more than you deserved; we were sorting this out properly.” I scrub an annoying tear escaping down my cheek. “Now I don’t think I’ll ever trust you with Ella!”
Craig buries his hands into the pocket of his green board shorts and stares at his shoes.
Rising, I approach Craig. “I want to take her home. Please.”
“No.”
I make an exasperated noise. “Craig, Liam has lawyers on this; please do this willingly or things will get out of control.”
“Don’t make me run further then.”
The air is punched from my lungs as easily as if he’d slugged me himself. “No. You wouldn’t...”
“She’s mine,” he growls. “My daughter.”
Stepping back, I rake my hands into my hair. “She’s not a possession. She doesn’t belong to you!”
“You’re not taking her!” he shouts.
My brave anger retreats by the minute. When Craig decides to do something, he will, and I have no doubt he intends to follow through.
“She wants to go home! You can’t keep her here!”
“Call the f-ucking police! I don’t care; we’ll go before they get here.”
“Craig, please!”
I’m in hell. I came to Italy to find my daughter, to reason with this man and failed. Did I expect him to hand her over? Be contrite? Craig doesn’t care about anyone else. Everything I’ve held in today breaks through the levy and I stumble to the sofa, gripping the arm as bile stings my throat.
“You’re a shit mother anyway.”
Before I comprehend what’s happening, Liam is in the room with us. He seizes Craig around the throat and slams him against the wall, and I wince at the sound of Craig’s head hitting the plaster.
“Don’t talk to Cerys like that or I’ll make sure you can’t walk out of this f-ucking room!” yells Liam, his nose almost touching Craig’s.
“Get the f-uck off me!”
“We’re taking Ella. Where’s her passport?”
Craig pulls at Liam’s fingers but Liam presses him harder into the wall. “Give me her f-ucking passport!”
“I can’t do anything with your hands around my f-ucking throat!” gasps Craig.
Liam loosens his grip and steps back, blocking Craig’s way out of the corner.
“Who the f-uck do you think you are?” says Craig, rubbing his neck.
“Someone who cares more about Ella than you do.”
“Bullshit! I love my daughter. My daughter.”
Craig stumbles back as Liam moves toward him again. “What? So this is love, what you did? Taking her from her mother and not letting Ella speak to her? Is that what a loving parent does? You’re the one talking bullshit.”
I ready myself to intervene. This Liam scares me, the anger coming off him in waves. I know Liam’s hidden intentions toward Craig and his refusal to cooperate with Liam isn’t helping. The longer this goes on the more worried I am that Liam’s going to hurt Craig badly.
“I’m protecting her,” says Craig over Liam’s shoulder to me. “He’ll hurt you, both of you. Look at him! He can’t control himself.”
“Oh, you have no f-ucking idea, mate,” says Liam, loosening his grip slightly.
“Liam wouldn’t hurt us!” I retort.
Despite dropping his physical grip on Craig, Liam’s face remains close. “I will never hurt Ella or Cerys. The day I met your daughter, I met a lost little girl, unhappy because her dad had kicked her out at Christmas. So you’re not exactly father of the year, are you?”
“And you are? Once you’ve had your fun and you go back to your rich and famous lifestyle and dump her,” says Craig, pushing Liam away.
“That’s not it. You’re worried about the opposite. You think Liam will replace you. You said that you were worried we’d move away!” I retort.
Craig snorts. “Jesus, Cerys, I’m not as delusional as you. Don’t you see? This would never work. Sure, you might move away and be with him a while, but he’ll drop you like a hot brick when he realises you’re not worth the hassle. I’m trying to protect her from that.”
His words are rewarded with a shove in his chest as Liam smacks him against the wall again. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Oh, right? So you’re going to marry an average, single woman with a kid and live happily ever after in your Hollywood mansion?” says Craig with a laugh.
“Yeah, actually, I will. I’ll marry Cerys so she’ll never be hurt by dickheads like you again. I’ll take care of Ella and teach her respect and love, not about what money can buy.” Liam’s hands bite into Craig’s shoulders “I’ll be in Ella’s life but on her terms. She won’t belong to me and neither will Cerys. Nobody owns another person and nobody buys love and affection. Believe me, I f-ucking know.”
My head spins further at his inflammatory words. Why is he telling Craig we’re getting married? “Liam, please.”
“Let me put this simply. You give us Ella’s passport and we take her home or my lawyers will stitch you up so badly you’ll never see your daughter again,” Liam says in a low voice.
“You can’t do that!”
“Try me.”
The quiet of the street outside returns as we wait for the next move in this crazy cat and mouse game. Craig side steps Liam who moves to stop him approaching the room Ella is in.
“I’m doing what you’ve asked,” mutters Craig.
Liam watches Craig warily as he rummages through a black rucksack in the kitchen then turns to say something to me. Taking advantage of his distraction, Craig launches himself at Liam.
“f-uck you!” yells Craig
Liam ducks the punch that follows and hesitates for a second before striking out at Craig, fist colliding with his face. Craig steadies himself on the table, and wipes a hand across his nose, smearing blood onto his cheek.
“I promised myself I wouldn’t hurt you even though it’s all I’ve pictured doing for the last two weeks. No, for the last two months. Thanks for the excuse,” Liam says, moving toward him again.
“Liam!” I grab his arm and rub his tense muscles. “Stop! You can’t do this.”
Liam shrugs my arm off and grabs Craig by the shirt.
“Assault charge would be perfect for me,” says Craig, with a taunting grin. “Keep going.”
Liam doesn’t need asking twice and Craig is rewarded with another smack in the face. Craig attempts to tackle Liam to the floor and fails, Liam shoves him and Craig lands on his back.
I’m too shocked to talk; the surreality of the situation grows by the minute. I have to stay in control a while longer, for Ella.
Ella.
Trembling, I turn to the doorway and she’s there, clutching her familiar, raggy blanket to her face, big brown eyes wider than usual as she watches Craig and Liam.
“Liam! Stop!” I shout.
I hate Craig more now than at any point since I met him. Ella will always remember this: her own fear, the anger, and upset in the room and the uncertainty about her future. When I walk out of the door with Ella, whatever we leave behind, something else will come with us. In two short weeks, Craig has broken part of Ella’s childhood by subjecting her to this and the memories will stay with her forever.
I bundle Ella into the bedroom, away from the two men and close the door. I pray Liam sees sense and doesn’t pummel Craig but the shouting continues. Ella’s half-packed bag rests on the bed but I can’t finish packing right now. I pull her to me and curl up on the bed, wishing I could protect her from everything going on around us. She snuggles into me and to my relief she doesn’t cry.
“Will Liam take us home?” she asks in a small voice.
I stroke her tangled hair. “I think Liam will do anything for us.”
Liam spent two weeks suffering through this alongside me, and I finally understand it wasn’t only because of me. He genuinely cares about Ella, has done ever since they connected at Christmas. Liam is as big a part of Ella’s life as he is mine; he loves Ella in a selfless, protective way as if she were his daughter. By denying this, I said the worst thing I possibly could in the car outside.