CHAPTER 12
CERYS
Liam left four days ago and I’ve heard nothing. He doesn’t have my number; how would he? We lived in the same house so exchanging details wasn’t needed. I toy with asking Louise for his number but when I hear her on the phone to him and the call ends without him asking to talk to me, I realise there’s no point. What did I expect anyway? Dates? A relationship? I got to indulge my fantasy a second time; at least I stopped with a kiss again.
Ella stopped asking about him after a couple of days; she’s used to her dad making promises he doesn’t keep, so she’s filed him away in the ‘don’t expect anything’ box. She submerges herself back in the quiet of TV shows and colouring, with the occasional trip to the park when the weather allows.
After one trip to the park, cut short by a flurry of snow, we head back to the house. It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow and this year Ella is fully aware of Santa and presents, able to understand her Advent Calendar countdown. The remaining chocolates behind each day on her Calendar all disappeared around day twenty, and to my amusement Ella blamed Liam. When I refused to believe her, she then blamed Goldie.
The snow falling on my face and mouth rewinds to the day by the Christmas tree in town, when Liam kissed them away. I shake the snow and memory away, annoyed that I’m spending time dreaming about what can’t be.
A familiar car sits on the driveway, the red paintwork of the flashy Ford sedan collecting snow.
“Daddy’s car!” shouts Ella and pulls her gloved hand from mine.
As she charges along the path toward the front door, I pause, unsure what I’m facing, or how I’ll cope. Anxiety and anger vie for top spot in my mind. The fact he never called to tell me he was coming isn’t a good sign.
Goldie greets me like a returning family member as he always does; and I absent-mindedly pat the jumping dog, fighting the tight-chested feeling accompanying me into the kitchen.
Ella is sitting on Craig’s knee. He looks up as I enter and smiles. No wariness, no apologetic look, the face of someone who just arrived home after work and didn’t kick his partner and daughter onto the street two weeks ago. Craig’s a good-looking guy, and was always aware how many of the girls at school crushed on him. His mother’s Italian. He’s inherited the dark hair and deep brown eyes, and he spends too much time at the gym perfecting his Mediterranean god image.
“Hey, Cer,” he says.
I blink. Hey? Unable to speak in case I start yelling in front of Ella, I unbutton my coat and cross to the fridge.
“Do you want some juice, Ella?”
“Daddy’s come to take us home.”
Gripping the fridge door, I inhale against the mounting anger and pause to compose myself.
“Really?” I pull out a cup and fill it with juice. “Ella, take your coat off and find Aunty Lou.”
Lou was the only one home when I left. Where is she and why the hell did she let him in and not call me?
Ella wraps her arms around Craig’s neck. “I want to stay with Daddy.”
A hint of smugness crosses Craig’s face and I get closer to losing the plot, heart thumping. “I need to talk to Daddy, Ella.”
She pouts. “Don’t make him go.”
“Why don’t you help Mummy by finding your bag? You can put your toys in to take home.” Craig lifts her from his lap and sets her on the floor.
“You won’t leave?” she asks her dad.
“Not without you.” As he says the words, he looks directly at me.
Ignoring his veiled threat, I smile encouragingly at Ella who wrinkles her nose at us. “Okay.”
As Ella leaves, I sit opposite Craig. He’s dressed in the Cardiff football shirt he practically lives in and his expensive jeans, designer trainers to match. He earns a decent wage as a plumber but most of it goes on himself. Every so often, he’ll buy Ella something expensive to help his guilt over never being home. The last present was a trampoline now squashed in the tiny garden of our house in Cardiff, unused in the winter weather. He has no idea how to be a dad, yet she worships him.
“Why are you here?” I ask him.
“To take you home.”
“Just like that?”
Guilt flickers into his eyes. “I shouldn’t have done it.”
“Done what? Told your girlfriend and four-year-old daughter to leave your house and never come back? You were pretty clear about that.”
“I made a mistake.” He offers me his half-smile, the one that charmed me into his bed almost six years ago. Six years with him.
“Damn right you did. Your daughter has cried for you every night! Why should we go back with you?”
We both know the answer. “Because you don’t have anywhere else to go, Cer. I miss you.”
I rake my hands through my damp hair, and hold tight, fighting against screaming every insult that comes to mind. The tight feeling of anxiety is in my chest, but the suffocating breathlessness comes from something else. He’s right. I’m trapped.
“Why did you do it?” I say.
“I don’t know. Things were shit at work. We were arguing. I wasn’t happy. All you did was nag me when I got home, and Ella did my head in. I couldn’t cope anymore; I wanted my own space.”
“You have responsibilities, you dickhead!” I say, and then lower my raised voice. “You’re not the teenage boy you pretend to be by going drinking with your mates every night. Just because they don’t have kids yet, doesn’t mean you can pretend you don’t!”
“I’ve never been unfaithful to you,” he says quietly. “I had loads of chances.”
“What? Are you telling me I should be grateful you only kicked me out and haven’t been screwing around?”
“No, I mean I must love you if I said no to other girls. We can work this out.”
“Are you suggesting I move back in and forget what you did? How do I know this won’t happen again? How do you know I even want to come back?”
Craig reaches across the table and wraps his fingers around my clenched hand. “Because you always do what’s best for Ella.”
As I look back into the brown eyes I once loved, the band across my lungs tightens. His secret weapon against me. “You don’t care about Ella.”
“What?” He pulls his brows together as he drops my hand. “She’s my daughter. I love her. I’ll love her until the day I die because she’s mine!”
“Well, you have a bloody funny way of showing it!”
“I fucked up. I lost my shit. But I’m here now to fix this.”
“Lost your shit? It took this long for you to recover from your childish tantrum and come and look for us?”
“You could’ve come back!”
“What? You took my keys, Craig! You told me to f-uck off, that you were done.” I stand. “No, I won’t come back.”
He leans back in his seat, legs outstretched. “Well, you can’t stay here forever, where are you going to go?”
“I don’t know. I’ll find somewhere.”
“I’m not having my daughter living in some dodgy area with single mothers and drug dealers!”
“You created this!”
“No, you did the day you got pregnant and asked me to help! I gave up everything for you and Ella!”
“And I didn’t? You are so f-ucking selfish!” I yell.
The kitchen door opens and Louise hovers in the doorway. “Sorry guys, Ella’s listening and she’s getting upset. Can you keep it down?”
I clench my teeth and close my eyes. “Sorry. I’ll come now. Craig’s leaving.”
“I’m not leaving without Ella. You stay here if you want but she’s coming with me.”
“She is not!” I shout. “We’re staying here!”
Louise holds a palm out to me. “Cerys. Shush.”
Then I see her, Ella in the doorway next to Louise clutching her rag of blanket. Her eyes break my heart, the expression I’ve seen every day since we got here. Almost every day, on the days Liam paid her attention the pale, lost look was replaced with a smiling child. The tears aren’t far, for me and her.
She steps into the room and says in a small voice. “I want to go with Daddy.”
I am a hairs breadth away from smacking Craig’s smug look across his face. Louise’s furious expression meets mine and she tips her head, indicating I should talk to her. “Wait there,” I say to Craig.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he replies and lifts Ella onto his lap.
How? How can Ella forgive and forget so easily and snuggle up to him? Fighting frustrated tears, I walk into the hallway to Lou.
“Why did you let him in?” I hiss.
“You’re not seriously going to go with him?” she hisses back.
The weight of the last two weeks falls on me, dragging me down. Craig is right. What choice do I have? Stay here and impose on the kindness of Linda and Jim, and stop Ella spending her Christmas with her Dad? Or go with him, give Ella her Christmas and take things from there?
“For Christmas, Lou. Then I’ll decide what to do.”
“Cerys! You’re a f-ucking idiot! Don’t do this! You can’t go back to a man who treated you like shit.”
“You don’t understand; he’s done me a favour.”
In the midst of all the crap, there’s been a glimmer of something else. I could cope if I needed to. Inadvertently, Craig’s put me in a position to see other possibilities. Another man showed me I was strong, told me I was amazing, and kissed me in a way that proved he truly believed his words. Liam showed me I’m worth more than a life with Craig. I’m not stupid, I know I could never have a relationship with Liam Oliver; but I do know I can find myself, and then find someone worth me.
The problem is I want this man to be Liam because over the last few days he’s imprinted himself on my heart and soul.