When I wake, I’m covered in cold sweat and shaking. I swallow hard to stop myself from crying out loud and reach my arms around Beh to bring her close to me. She mumbles in her sleep and fidgets—it seems hard for her to find a comfortable position now—but then settles back down.
I had forgotten about the woman in my tribe who had been trying to give birth for so long in the middle of the winter, only to fall just after the child was born. Though the baby was healthy and survived off the breast of another woman, the mother never even opened her eyes long enough to see the child.
My mother had given birth with ease to so many children, I haven’t even thought about how it was sometimes difficult for others. What if Beh can’t get the baby out for a long time, and it hurts her? What if the baby doesn’t come out on time or comes out too late? What if she needs help, and I don’t know what to do?
What if something happens to Beh—how will I take care of the baby? I don’t have another mother to nurse it, and I’ve never seen a man use his nipples that way. I’m pretty sure they don’t work. How will the baby survive?
How will I survive?
I have lived on my own for a long, long time, and just the last few seasons with Beh make me realize there is no way I ever want to be alone again. I would never be able to survive without Beh with me. I wouldn’t even want to live if she were no longer here.
I reach over and rub Beh’s round belly, hoping the contact with her skin will calm me. It works to a degree, especially when the baby begins to move around, and I feel little knees and elbows—at least, I think that’s what they are—poking against the inside of Beh’s stomach. It doesn’t seem to move quite as much as it used to, and I think maybe it’s too big to move around so much.
What if the baby is too big to come out?
I can feel the panic rise inside of me as I pull Beh closer to my chest. She groans and rolls over, her blurry eyes taking in my face before she lays her hand against my cheek.
“Ehd?” Beh makes a lot of sounds with her mouth, and I can see the worry in her eyes. As I look at her face, my mind conjures images of her with glassy eyes and pale, cold skin. I shudder, and I feel tears at the corners of my eyes.
Without further sounds, Beh wraps her arms around my head and pulls me down to her chest. Her body moves back and forth slowly within the furs, rocking me and running her fingers through the hair on the back of my head. I try to calm my thoughts, but the only thing that brings me any peace is staring into her eyes.
Beh spends days digging a small, baby-sized depression at the back of the cave behind our sleeping furs. She places the softest of the furs around soft, dried grasses. She uses the leather from the auroch caught in the pit trap to make a pile of little triangle shapes though I can’t understand what she intends to do with them. All I know for sure is to stay out of her way. I tried to help many times, but Beh shoves me away, not accepting any assistance.
She acts as though her head is hot with sickness, but it isn’t.
Her mouth noises are almost constant, but so is her desire to pull me down into the furs and put me inside of her, and she has been like that for days and days. At first, I was thrilled. Now, I am completely worn out.
I watch as my mate takes handfuls of cooked grains and meats from the pot near the fire and licks them off her fingers. She moans in the pleasure of the taste, and the sound that might have made me hard earlier in the day only makes my penis twitch a little as she looks up at me and smiles through her breakfast. I feel my cheeks ache at the smile I give to her as she struggles to stand.
I reach down and take my mate by her forearms to help her up. She stumbles slightly, but I keep her upright. Beh gasps, and she grips my arm even tighter. When I glance down, I can see her knuckles pale with her tight grasp. She releases me with one hand and uses it to rub around and underneath her belly as her breath escapes in quick little gulps. We stare into each other’s eyes, and understanding passes through them.
Finally, the baby is coming.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
The sound of my mate’s breathing and the slight crackling of the fire are the only sounds in the cave. The echo of Beh’s last round of screams has faded away though it seems the sounds may forever be lodged in my brain.
I don’t remember the women of my tribe taking so long to have a baby.
Beh takes a long, deep breath, and I watch her face closely for a moment before tentatively offering her one of the clay cups with water in it. She closes her eyes and squeezes my hand but doesn’t take the drink. At least she doesn’t throw it back at me this time.
The sun has set outside, and Beh is exhausted. My dream comes back to me, and I try to hold her close and give her comfort, but she sometimes pushes me away. I try not to think about something terrible happening to her or the baby, but I can’t help it. My chest hurts and my throat tightens up. I had wanted to put a baby inside of her since I first brought her back to the cave, but now that the baby is really coming out, I’m frightened.