‘Penny for them?’ she asked as he stared at her. ‘What are you thinking? I can hear your cogs turning.’
‘I was thinking how beautiful you always look and how I love the way you wear your hair and how lucky I am. I hope you know that, Merrin. We’re always so busy at work, I guess I don’t always take the time to tell you how amazing you are or to perform romantic gestures.’
‘I don’t need romantic gestures. I really, really don’t.’ She reached over and briefly found his hand, knowing how empty and hollow those gestures and words could be. Digby’s words floated unbidden into her mind: I’m happier sitting here on a patch of grass with this view than at any other time in my life . . . You make me happy because you love me no matter what . . . ‘But thank you, Miguel. You make me feel great.’ This was the truth, but still she was able to maintain emotional distance, tucking a small part of her heart away for safekeeping.
‘I hope I always do. I want your family to know that I will always look after you.’
She gave a brief nod and swallowed back the same old rhetoric that he was not to think too far ahead, not to rely on her emotionally; there were only so many times she could push the point. His was a statement that spoke of long-term intentions and caused her pulse to flutter. She was not at that point, not even close. ‘I think they’d prefer to know that you support me while I look after myself.’
‘’Course, but I still think it’s nice that I want to look after you. I love you.’
As ever, she found it hard to offer reciprocal words. ‘Don’t worry, it’ll pass!’ she laughed.
‘I wouldn’t be too sure about that.’
She could feel his gaze on the side of her face, but kept her eyes on the road. Merrin had never been anything other than honest with him, knowing how shitty it was when one of you thought you were heading in one direction while the other had an entirely different plan. The first time they had had such an earnest discussion, tears had accompanied her words as she explained how it had felt to be sitting in the vestry, knowing she was going to have to venture outside and face the music and how her heart broke as she drove away from the gossip, the scandal and her beloved Port Charles, which grew smaller and smaller in the rear-view mirror. How there were days when it felt easier not to think about the place and all that she might be missing, just to be able to function.
‘I am happy to be going home, really excited to be seeing everyone, but I’m nervous too, and kind of looking forward to getting it over with and leaving again.’
‘I think it’s normal. Home has that unique pull to it, but it doesn’t mean that’s where you can live your best life. Sometimes you have to go far away to do that. Especially after what you went through.’
She nodded. ‘I guess so. I’ve stayed away for so long, and even when I talk to my family on the phone, I kind of hold my breath, waiting for a comment or a word that will pull me back to that bloody day.’
‘It’s self-preservation, Merrin. Like going back to the scene of an accident. I think it’s going to be painful for you, of course, but it’ll get easier the more we do it.’
We . . . This word, uttered so easily, made her more than a little nervous. It felt like a pressure that she was at that moment ill equipped to handle.
‘I’ll be right by your side,’ he tried to encourage.
‘I don’t want to dwell on it, Miguel, but . . .’ She paused and swallowed, wary of raising the topic. ‘People might, you know, want to talk about what happened to me.’ She kept her eyes fixed ahead as her mouth went dry. ‘What with my sister getting married and everything. It’s bound to draw comparisons.’
‘Will it make you sad, do you think? I can’t stand the thought of you being unsettled or on edge, not on a rare weekend off.’
‘I don’t think I’ll be sad, but I guess it’ll be weird. I think I’m as prepared for it as I can be, and, I mean, I have to do it sometime, right? And at the end of the day, it’s Ruby and Jarvis’s time to shine. Plus, Port Charles now has an abandoned single mother to talk about.’ She thought of her beloved Bella and shook her head at the tragedy of it all. ‘So, hopefully, me getting ditched at the altar will be old news.’ It was easy to joke but her throat constricted and her palms ran to sweat at her words.
‘Good.’ He reached out and touched his fingers to her cheek. ‘Got to be honest, I’m still more concerned with trying to figure out how we have sex in your parents’ cottage without your dad coming after me with a shotgun!’
‘A shotgun? Hardly! I told you before, it’s an axe.’ She turned her head to kiss his fingers. Her stomach churned at the thought of what lay ahead: her sister’s wedding preparations and walking up the road to the church. With the sting of tears at the back of her throat, she sniffed, and focused on the road ahead, doing her best to subdue the emotion that threatened, and ignoring the temptation to find the nearest exit and turn the car around.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
MIGUEL
Miguel had fallen asleep, a miracle in his girlfriend’s less than comfortable, ancient car, only to be woken by her excited shouts.
‘Look, the sea! I can see the sea! God, it’s so beautiful!’ Merrin yelled with child-like energy.
He sat up straight, rubbing at the crick in his neck, and looked over at Merrin, who was bouncing up and down in the driver’s seat. Her joy was infectious and a good thing to see, worried as he had been about her returning home for a wedding when the last one she attended was the disaster of her own. He was also aware of how he would be judged, eyed up and no doubt rated against the one that got away. But he could take it – especially when the prize was Merrin.
‘Yes! It’s the sea! But I don’t want to end up in it. Please keep your eyes on the road.’ He covered his own with his fingers as the car jumped down the lane. ‘Tell me when it’s safe to look.’