“I want them,” is all Ark says in response.
But I’m gone. I’ve moved past the idea that the images of marks will be sold to sadistic assholes who get off on pain and sex.
People like me.
Because I get off on pain and sex. I crave it. I want it so bad.
JD’s fingers slip inside me as Ark stands up and walks out. Weren’t we going to have a conversation about this… arrangement?
JD’s cock grows beneath my legs. I squirm down a little and place my mouth over his thickness, licking him through his jeans.
“You’re a horny little thing, aren’t you?”
“She’s in trouble, JD,” Ark says as he comes back into the room.
I am. Because I’m lost in the haze of lust. And when Ark kneels down on the floor and begins to clean my welts, the agony of his touch, mixed with JD’s fingers teasing the bundle of nerves between my legs, send me straight into that place between pleasure and pain.
I stop feeling.
All the shame and fear falls away.
I give myself to these men as they tease me. One trying to elicit pleasure as the other unknowingly brings out the pain.
And when I come, I cry again. I lean on JD’s chest and sob as Ark dabs ointment over the open wounds that feel like they will never have enough time to heal before the next one arrives.
“She’s asleep,” I say, putting the ointment away. “And honestly, JD, I think she needs to go. We need to take her to the police—”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” JD looks down at me as I kneel on the floor trying to doctor up this girl. “We’re not taking her to the police. If she wanted to go, that’s where she’d be.”
“We can’t keep her like this. Someone’s been abusing her. Raping her, JD. Holding her prisoner. She ran away.”
“Yeah, and we found her. She’s put her trust in us. We’re not handing her over to the police.”
“Her family—”
“Fuck her family. She’s here, Ark. And as long as she wants to stay, she can.” And then he stands up, cradling her in his arms, and walks towards the door.
“Where the fuck are you going?”
“I’m putting her back in my bed. Where she belongs. If you’re not interested, fine with me. But I am.”
I stand up and walk back over to my desk and take a seat. Why am I so reluctant with this girl?
Because it reminds you of who you are, my mind is screaming.
And she does. Everything about her reminds me of who I am. Why I’m doing all this. What I’ve spent the past four years building.
I go back to Photoshopping my images as I listen for sounds from JD’s room down the hall. I hear nothing. He never comes back. So nothing is resolved. In fact, things are less resolved now than they were this morning when he left.
I have no idea who this girl is. I have no idea what I’m going to do about it. I don’t know if I want to kick JD’s ass and lock that girl up in my own bedroom, or kick them both out and pretend my whole world isn’t about to flip upside down.
I sit there for a long time, just staring at the photos. I wait for JD to come back so we can work this out, but he never does. I wait for my feelings for this girl to manifest so I can come to terms, but they don’t. So eventually I go into the kitchen and make a sandwich, then eat it sitting on the couch staring at the TV.
Finally I have to accept the obvious.
They don’t need me to understand each other’s anguish. They don’t need me to fuck away the sadness. They don’t need me to give them permission to abuse themselves with pain.
Because they have each other.
And I have no one.
Eventually I make my way into my bedroom, slip out of my clothes, and fall into bed alone.
But sleep eludes me. Questions run through my mind for hours. Questions and regrets. Anger at being discarded. Frustration at being confused.
I finally get up and make my way into the office to grab my camera, and then I walk down the hallway to JD’s room. The door is unlocked and partly ajar. So unlike him before this girl came. The bedside light is still on, flooding them both in a hazy light. Blue is uncovered from the chest up and JD has kicked off all the covers. His leg is tossed over her thigh in a possessive gesture that makes me jealous. And her hand rests on his leg, just over his hip.
He’s hard for her, even in his sleep.
I adjust the shutter time for the low light and begin shooting.
JD stirs with the clicking of the camera, and then his eyes open.
I wasn’t sure how he’d react, but I was not counting on that grin. “About time you came to your senses, asshole.” And then he turns over and hugs her close. Too close, because she whimpers in her sleep when he touches her wounds.
But then, like it’s already second nature, he slips his hand under the covers and begins to play with her. The whimpers take on a new tone. One of pleasure.
“Put that fucking camera down and just get in bed, Ark. You know you want to.”
He lifts the cover up, revealing the fact that he’s got two fingers inside her.
There’s no way I’m putting this camera down.
“You always like to watch,” JD says, matter-of-factly. “Never want to participate. Just observe and record. But listen to me, brother.” JD stops what he’s doing to Blue and looks straight in my camera. “You’re gonna lose her if you don’t give in.”
“Give in to what?”
“Us. The three of us, Ark. This is how it’s meant to be. You knew it the minute we found her.”
“I found her.”
“We found her, asshole. A one-second headstart does not give you the right to call her yours. Because she’s ours, Ark. So you have two choices. Get in bed and be a part of it. Or take that camera and get the fuck out of our room.”
“You’d choose her over me, just like that?”
“I’m inviting you in. If you say no, don’t blame your loss on me.”
“What if I don’t want to share her? What if I want her all to myself?”