I wanted her. Now.
My eyes flashed to her full lips. They were beckoning me, calling me, drawing me to them. I brushed my tongue against my lower lip again, but it was her tongue I wanted touching me. I bet she tasted good. I bet she felt good. I wanted to find out. I’d never wanted anything more in my life. My eyes rose to hers again, and I saw the heat there as she stared at me. She wanted me to kiss her. She wanted me to taste her. I’d almost say she wanted it as much as I did. My body strained against my clothes, begging me to do it. Just do it.
I returned my gaze to her lips and let them draw me in. Yes…please…kiss me. Her breath quickened the closer I came to her; I could see her chest rising and falling, could feel the air against my cheek. Her body squirmed under my touch. I bet she was wet. I bet she was ready. For me. But…no…she wasn’t mine.
Like my skull had been slammed against a brick wall, I suddenly remembered why I couldn’t touch her. Denny. She was Denny’s, and he was my best friend. Fuck. I had to stop this. It was so hard to stop though. Everything between us felt electrified. Every point of contact between us felt on fire. Instead of pressing my lips to hers, I touched my forehead to hers and only let our noses meet. The tease I’d just given myself went straight to my groin, sending an ache of pleasure through me. Fuck, I didn’t want to stop.
A whimper escaped Kiera’s lips that only made it harder for me not to lower my mouth to hers. She started raising her chin, searching for me. Fuck, this was going to happen if I didn’t do something soon. When I could just feel her lip brushing mine, I twisted away so my face ran along her cheek. I groaned in blissful torture. Fuck. I needed her. I needed to feel her, touch her, pleasure her, be with her. I was going to betray Denny. I was going to ruin everything, because I had no fucking willpower whatsoever.
My nose still resting along her cheek, I took two panicked breaths. I was trying to calm my body, to return to my senses. Kiera melted against me like she was losing hers. Her body shifted toward mine, her hand dropped to my thigh, her head turned toward my mouth. I knew I didn’t have the strength to turn away again. If her lips made their way to mine, she would find me eager and willing. Screw Denny. Screw Matt and Griffin. I’d throw her down on the floor and we’d have sex right along with the stupid-ass movie.
And she’d never forgive me. I’d never forgive myself.
I clenched her hand on my thigh and ran my mouth to her ear. “Come with me,” I whispered. My body desperately wanted her to “come” with me, but that wasn’t going to happen. I wouldn’t let it.
Standing, I led her to the kitchen. I knew I would need to be in complete control to do this, so I pictured everything I could to turn myself off. Denny. How good they were together, how much they belonged together. The look on his face when he’d asked me to not touch her. The look that I knew would be on his face if he knew I had betrayed his trust. Denny sparing me from my parents’ wrath. Denny standing up for me, taking a hit for me. Denny. My brother, by virtue if not blood. I couldn’t do this to him.
I was more or less put together by the time we reached the kitchen. I could still hear that fucking movie in the background, but I ignored it. Releasing Kiera, I set down my beer, walked over to the cabinet, and started preparing a glass of water for her. She was still breathing heavily, confused and frustrated, as I took her beer and handed her the glass of water with a peaceful smile. As she took it, she seemed embarrassed too. She’d probably expected something much different to happen in here.
She took deep, calming breaths, then downed her water like she hadn’t had any all day. I felt bad that she was embarrassed; that hadn’t been her fault. That was mine. I’d gotten carried away, taken things too far. I shouldn’t have leaned in…I shouldn’t have been touching her to begin with. And I definitely shouldn’t have been playing my own porno in my head, with the pair of us as the stars.
There was no good way to apologize for that though, so instead I said, “Sorry about the movie choice…” I made myself laugh when she looked back up at me. Keep it light. “Griffin is, well…Griffin.” I shrugged. Not wanting her to say anything that might lead to a conversation I didn’t want to have, I asked, “You seemed upset earlier on the stairs. You want to talk about your dream?”
I leaned back against the counter and crossed my arms over my chest, feigning casualness. When all else fails, fake it. Kiera’s brows drew together as she took in my posture. She still seemed shaken, embarrassed, and really confused. “I don’t remember it…just that it was bad.”
“Oh.” I was suddenly struck with a bout of guilt and grief. Her dream had to have been about me then. I was causing her pain, and I’d just made it worse by caving in to my desires for her. I needed her closeness, but I had to keep her at a distance. It was a fine line to walk, and I wasn’t sure that I could.
Upset herself, she set down her glass and started walking past me. “I’m tired…Good night, Kellan.”
It took everything in my power to not stop her and pull her in for a hug. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. “Good night, Kiera,” I whispered.
After she left the room, I dropped my head into my hands. What the fuck did I just do? What the fuck did I just let happen? I could have ruined everything. Slumping against the counter, I massaged the bridge of my nose where I could feel a massive headache forming. Maybe I already had ruined everything. I really wouldn’t know until tomorrow, when I saw Kiera again. For the first time in a long time, I never wanted tomorrow to come.
Its arrival was inevitable though. When dawn broke through my window, my eyes were already open. I hadn’t slept much, if at all. Last night had been way too close. I owed Denny more than that. So much more.
I was nervous when I went downstairs. Nerves weren’t something I suffered from a lot, so when I got them, they were almost crippling. I was scared that she’d want to “talk.” I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to pretend last night never happened. I wanted things to go back to normal. Well, our version of normal. I just wanted to hug her and not have it be weird. Maybe if I didn’t mention it, she’d think last night was just part of her dream. God, I hoped she hadn’t had a nightmare about me. I didn’t want to hurt her, not even in her head.
When I heard her coming down the stairs, my hands started shaking. “Stop it,” I whispered, clenching and unclenching them. She didn’t need to know I was freaking out. I inhaled a deep breath, then put on my game face. I should probably thank my parents for giving me so many opportunities to perfect it.
Besides my heart rate spiking, everything was normal when Kiera stepped into the kitchen. Her cheeks reddened, so she was probably still embarrassed. I didn’t give her time to dwell on it. “Mornin’. Coffee?” I extended the steaming cup in my hand to her.
She smiled as she took it. The weariness under her eyes hadn’t lessened any; she must have slept about as well as I had. “Thank you.”
I poured another cup for me while Kiera poured creamer into hers. We sat at the table together, and a second of sadness washed over me. We hadn’t hugged. Kiera frowned, and my thought evaporated. Fuck. She wants to talk. No, please. Let’s just let it go. Some things don’t ever need to be talked about. Like how much I want you, and how wrong it is to feel that way.
“What?” I whispered, wishing I were anywhere but here.
She looked confused as she pointed to my shirt. “You never did get me one, you know.”
I looked down at my T-shirt. It was the Douchebags one she’d mentioned before that she’d wanted. I’d been meaning to grab her one, but it had slipped my mind.
Relief washed through me that we weren’t having the conversation from hell, the one I’d been dreading all morning. “Oh…you’re right.” I was brimming with good feelings now that we were past the hard part. Not wanting to deal with Griffin anytime soon and liking the idea of Kiera wearing my shirt, I stood and slipped it off. Her eyes brightened at my half-nakedness; she suddenly didn’t look tired at all. The way she looked at my body made me want to be naked all the time, but that wasn’t exactly a good idea. The connection between us was already difficult enough.
I fixed the shirt and looped it over her head. She just gaped at me, so I put her arms through the sleeves like she was a child. “There, you can have mine.” She looked good in my shirt. I should have given it to her ages ago.
She sputtered on a response as her cheeks turned a charming shade of rose. “I didn’t mean…You didn’t have to…”
She couldn’t seem to form any more words than that. So cute. I got the gist of what she was saying though, and I laughed as I told her, “Don’t worry about it. I can get more. You wouldn’t believe how many of those damn things Griffin made.”
I turned to leave the room, then looked back at Kiera. She was staring at my ass. When she realized she’d been caught, her cheeks went from rosy to bright red. Most girls I knew would devour me with their eyes and not give a shit if I noticed, but Kiera was always so embarrassed. Containing my laughter, I smiled and looked down. She was so damn adorable, and even though I knew I shouldn’t, I loved the way she looked at me.
“I’ll be right back,” I told her. I gave her another smile, then left the room to get another shirt. My grin was uncontainable as I bounded up the stairs. Thank the fucking stars up above…we weren’t going to talk about it. We were going to sweep the incident under the rug, where it belonged.
While we weren’t mentioning last night, I wasn’t sure where we stood on…well, cuddling was probably the best way to put it. Part of me wanted it to stop; the rest of me couldn’t stop. As long as she was okay with me holding her, I wanted her in my arms.
It took her most of the day to approach me, but when I settled on the couch to watch a little TV before rehearsal, she stared at me with longing. Since I needed her touch and we hadn’t even hugged today, I held my arm out and patted the couch in invitation. Please.
She gave me a breathtaking grin and snuggled into my side. I closed my eyes, content. Nothing had changed. We could still do this. We were fine. Everything was fine.
Our routine continued like nothing strange had happened between us. I did notice a small change though. Our touches seemed more…intimate. When we hugged, my hands rested farther down her hips, her breasts pressed more firmly against my chest, her fingers ran up and down my neck, and her head was angled toward me, not away from me. I loved every second of it though, so I wasn’t about to complain.
As usual, she was still asleep when I left my room the next Tuesday. I pictured her sprawled out on Joey’s bed. Or maybe she was curled up into a lonely ball? I wished I could open the door to look, to watch her as she slept, but that would be weird if she caught me. Kind of creepy actually. With a sigh, I headed downstairs. There were just certain aspects of life that we’d never get to share; sleeping together was one of them.
To perk myself up, I sang while I made a pot of coffee. I started out singing a popular song on the radio, but by the time the coffee was done, I was singing a D-Bags song. It was typically a fast song, but I sang it slow, like a ballad. It actually worked really well that way. I’d have to tell Evan to add it to our acoustic playlist.
Kiera stumbled into the kitchen while I was singing. She stopped and listened like she’d never heard me sing before. I loved the way she really listened to me when I sang, like she was trying to absorb the meaning as well as the words. Most people I met didn’t bother.
She was leaning against the counter in an unconsciously appealing way. It had been hours since I’d had her in my arms, and since I was still suffering from a bit of melancholy, I found I couldn’t wait another moment to touch her. Reaching out, I pulled her to me for a dance. She gasped in surprise, then her face brightened. She’d been a little off this morning too. Wanting to make her smile, I twirled her away, then back to me, then dipped her. It worked, she laughed. It gave me a thrill that I could make us both a little happier.
I slipped both arms around her waist, and she let out a happy sigh as she laced her arms around my neck. There was nothing quite like dancing with her. The way our bodies moved together, the way she felt in my arms…I could have done this all day, but I knew I had to end the moment sooner or later. I didn’t need a repeat of “porn night,” and I had a feeling if I slow danced like this with her for too long, the urge to kiss her would overwhelm me. Good intentions or not, I was only human, after all.
I stopped moving and Kiera stopped too. We gazed at each other, and my heart started beating harder. She was so close to me, and she felt so good. Her lips would feel even better. Her fingers were threading through my hair, sending bolts of delight down my body. Did she realize how amazing that was?
As if she could hear my thoughts, she removed her fingers from my hair and rested them on my shoulders. Knowing we were heading toward dangerous territory again, I quietly began my question. “I know you’d rather have Denny here…” She stiffened in my arms and I cursed myself for bringing him up. I had to though. We both needed the reminder. “—But could I take you to school on your first day?”
She seemed flustered, by either me or my question, I didn’t know which. She was at ease when she answered me though. “I guess you’ll do,” she said with a playful smirk.
Laughing, I squeezed her, then let her go; it was really hard to let her go. Needing a task, I stepped to the cabinet and got a mug down for her. “That’s not something I’m used to women saying,” I muttered, trying to keep up the lightness.
Kiera took it the wrong way though. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”
I laughed again as I started pouring coffee for her. Did she actually think she’d offended me? It would take a lot more than that. I glanced in her direction. “I’m just kidding, Kiera.” My eyes returned to her mug. “Well, kind of.” That really wasn’t something I heard from women. In a twisted way, it was kind of refreshing to hear it.
When it was time, I drove Kiera to class. She was a bundle of nerves, worse than her first day at Pete’s. If she could only see what I saw when I looked at her—beauty, grace, humor, intelligence—she wouldn’t be nervous at all about school. She’d walk into her classroom like she owned it.
Kiera looked ill when I stopped the car. I couldn’t drop her off and make her walk to class that way. She might actually throw up, and that was an embarrassment she didn’t need on the first day. I was pretty sure I could keep her calm enough to at least prevent puking, so I cracked open my door and hopped out of the car.
Her expression was bewildered as she watched me walk around to her side. When I opened her door for her, she crooked a grin. “I think I can handle that.” She nodded at the door as she stood from the car.
I laughed as I grabbed her hand. I knew she was able. Willing, now that was another story. Smiling, I indicated the building where her class was. “Come on.”
She looked up at me, curious. “And where are you going?”
I laughed as I looked down at her. “I’m walking you to class…obviously.”
Like she felt I was being unreasonable, she rolled her eyes; the gesture was clearly from embarrassment though, not irritation. “You don’t have to. I can manage.”
“Maybe I want to,” I said, giving her hand a squeeze. We approached the building and I opened the door and held it for her. As she walked through, I added, “It’s not like my mornings are earth-shatteringly busy or anything. I’d probably just be napping.” Or thinking of you.
She laughed as she looked back at me. “Why do you get up so early then?”
I let out a wry laugh as I walked beside her down the hall. “It’s not by choice…trust me.” No, my dad had ingrained my sleep patterns in me long ago. Now, I usually woke up around the same time every day, and if I didn’t, if I slept in for some reason, more often than not, I woke up in a panic, half expecting to see him at the foot of my bed. Even though he was long gone, the irrational fear remained. “I would rather sleep in than function on four or five hours a night.”
She told me I should nap and I told her I would. And I might, actually. I could use the refresher, and it would make the time fly by. We’d reached her classroom, and I held this door open for her as well. She gave me an odd, calculating expression, and I wondered if she thought I was going to walk her to her seat. I hadn’t planned on it…but I would if she wanted me to. “Would you like me to walk you in?” I asked, only half teasing.
She released my hand and pushed me back. “No,” she playfully responded. She stared at me for a moment, her expression turning serious and adoring. I loved seeing that look on her. “Thank you, Kellan.” Leaning over, she gave me a soft kiss on the cheek. I loved that too. It made that warmth I felt whenever she was near grow stronger.
I looked down, then peeked up at her. “You’re welcome.” I’d do anything for you. “I’ll pick you up later.” She started to protest, but I quickly cut her off with a look. After she consented to me giving her a ride home, I checked out her classroom full of studious, young eager beavers. Telling her to have fun, I turned and headed out. Curious, I looked back to see if she was watching me leave. She was. That made my chest squirm, but in a good way. I held my hand up in a wave. Being at school with her wasn’t so bad…I could get used to this.
I ended up taking her to school every day that week. By Friday, I was thoroughly enjoying our new routine, and while I missed her during the day, seeing the gratitude on her face when I walked her to class in the morning and the excitement in her eyes when I picked her up in the afternoon made the time apart worth it. For a minute, I could pretend that I meant everything to her, because she was certainly starting to mean everything to me. And if you pretend something long enough, it eventually becomes real. Right?