“It’s not that simple. He’s just so tired all the time.” She looks away and adds quietly, “I’m tired too.”
“Oh, come on! You’re telling me you guys can’t down a Red Bull one night to make the magic happen?” I joke, then stop as I notice Jules’ eyes fill with tears. “What is it? What’s going on?”
“Nothing, I’m fine. You’re right, I need to try harder.”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t saying you aren’t trying. And what do I know anyway? I couldn’t even keep a goldfish alive, let alone raise two kids while working.”
Jules smiles and wipes her eyes. “True. You wouldn’t last a week.” She smiles.
I lay my hand on her arm. “Hey, why don’t we shop another time and go grab a glass of wine and talk?”
Jules’ face closes up. “No! Your wedding is practically around the corner and you’re changing everything. This shopping trip has to come first. Now let’s find the boys some linen!” She marches over to a rack and starts pushing hangers to the side as she looks at each shirt.
“Jules,” I say quietly. “Tell me what’s going on. All this other stuff can wait.”
She swivels around quickly and shakes her head, clasping a red, short-sleeve shirt with embroidered white flowers in her hand. “It’s nothing for you to worry about. I’m just feeling overwhelmed.”
Her words seem forced. “Are you sure?” I ask, wondering if I should tell her I heard her and Ben fighting the other day. That I was worried for them.
“Yes! But I do have a really important question to ask. And I need you to be honest.”
“Promise,” I say, and lean in.
A smile plays on her lips. “So you’re really okay with this Maui-wowie bullshit?”
“This is what Max wants.” I force a smile.
“Okay, I get that. But what about what you want?”
“I want Max.”
“I know you do,” she says slowly, in a way that reminds me of when she once had to break the news that my favorite velour sweat suit was no longer in style. “But I just wonder—to get him back, why do you have to let him dress like Jimmy Buffett? For your wedding ceremony?”
“First of all, he doesn’t want to wear a Hawaiian shirt like that—I think my dad has that one.” I laugh. “He just wants to be casual beachy, and this is the only place I could think of.”
“That’s not what I mean,” Jules says as she tugs on the silk fabric. “I’m just worried that you’re losing yourself a bit—”
“Why wouldn’t I give him what he wants for a change?” I say, cutting her off. “Hasn’t our relationship always been about me? Isn’t that the problem?”
“You’re being too hard on yourself, Kate. It’s not like you had the guy in a choke hold. There were definitely plenty of times when he put himself first too. What about how he always takes his mom’s side when she’s picking on you and then tells you after that he’s sorry but it’s just easier than dealing with her rants? Or when he turned down that promotion at work without even asking for your opinion? It’s easy to look back and only remember the perfect parts, but you need to think about all of it—including the bad. Because, believe me, that’s what he’s doing.”
“Ouch.”
“I’m sorry. That came out wrong. You know I care about Max, but you are my best friend and I hate to see you blaming yourself for everything that’s happened.”
“I want to do this for him—okay? Can you please just help me pick some pants and a shirt?” I plead, my eyes welling with tears as I lean against a table covered with straw hats. “I don’t care what he ends up wearing, I just want him to be donning it while he says I do to me.”
Jules tosses the shirt she’s holding to the side and walks over to me. “I get it, really, I do. But the concert, the island wear . . . I think you might be focusing on the wrong things here,” she says.
I pick up a leather flip-flop from a shelf, remembering Courtney’s words about wanting the same kind of low-key wedding Max did. Which might be true. But she didn’t know him the way I did. She’d never nursed him through the stomach flu or cried with him when his grandfather died. Max and I were engaged to be married for a reason—and for the first three years of our relationship my lack of knowledge about the band Smashing Pumpkins hadn’t been a deal breaker for him. Courtney had simply been in the right place at the right time when Max was questioning our future—and she’d distracted him. I needed to take him away from unnecessary detours like her so we could focus on each other. Because when was the last time we’d done that?
“Okay, I know what I should be focusing on,” I say slowly, and Jules raises an eyebrow. “I’m going to surprise him with a weekend away to Big Bear—where we fell in love.”