The rest of sophomore year…well, I don’t remember much. The firsts I experienced the remainder of the year were mainly a compilation of some of the lowest points in my life. I’m not proud of them, but they happened and need to be acknowledged. So, here goes:
The first time I cleaned up my roommate’s blood off her bathroom floor. I refused to cry as the horrific memories resurfaced. There was no sorrow, no anguish, no tortuous sobbing. There was only darkness as I forced myself deeper into my oblivion until I couldn’t feel a thing.
The first time that I realized I was no longer a dog owner. Kaeleb must have taken Walter with him when he left my apartment the night I said his goodbye. I simply put his crate, his bowl, his toys, and his favorite Chuck inside Quinn’s room before locking the door.
The first time that Linda called after our discussion, hoping to talk as I’d promised. I led her to believe that I didn’t feel well and promised to call her soon. She reluctantly left due to her upcoming appointment and I told myself it didn’t hurt when we said goodbye.
The first time that Quinn’s parents were introduced to Raven. After they got over their initial shock, they let me know that Quinn would not be returning to school. They completely stripped her room, leaving it bereft of all things pink and sparkly, before heading to the office to pay the remainder of her lease. I felt nothing but comforted as I watched them leave. Her absence would allow me the room I needed to completely disappear.
The first time I changed the locks and denied Kaeleb entrance to the apartment. He banged on the door and screamed for me to let him in for hours. I never answered though. Not the first time. Not the second. And eventually after many other unsuccessful attempts, he finally stopped coming by.
The first time that I bought alcohol with the fake I.D. Quinn gave me and brought it to the apartment with me, finishing off the fifth of vodka in record time.
The first time I missed classes, ever, due to a weeklong bender.
The first time I accepted the recurring invitation to party at my a*shole lab partner’s place, only it ended up just being the two of us.
The first time I had sex, losing my virginity to said lab partner, remembering nothing but sloppy kisses, rough hands, waking up sore the next morning, and finding a used condom on the bedside table. I threw up as soon as I got home.
The first time I ran into Sabrina, who had the audacity to half-heartedly apologize for what happened at the club. I told myself it had nothing to do with Quinn when I kindly instructed her to f*ck off.
The first time I saw Kaeleb on campus as I passed through the cafeteria, laughing with a group of guys at a table across the room. I slunk back into the crowd, but watched him for a while, trying to convince myself that I was happy he had seemingly moved on.
The first time I received a D in two of my classes. The professors harped on the fact that mandatory attendance was required and explained that I could retake the classes next semester. Who knew?
The first time I stayed on campus during the summer, avoiding Linda who was recuperating after multiple surgeries. She called often, which I avoided, but I would always text her back, letting her know that I received her messages. I always apologized for not being able to be there and she believed me when I told her the reason was summer school.
I don’t remember much other than those specific items as I entered my junior year.
I continued to walk through life unseen, hidden and tucked safely inside my darkness.
Session 32:
(Four Months ago, the first week of classes)
Palmer: Uh, hello. It’s been a while. Please come in.
Me: (Sits on couch) Yeah.
Palmer: (Takes seat in front of me) Well, I’m very surprised by your appearance, to say the least. The last time I saw you, you looked…different.
Me: (Pushes the blanket to the edge of the couch) Yeah.
Palmer: (Narrows eyes) Do you have a problem with the blanket?
Me: Oddly enough I do. It used to be comforting to me, now I just want to burn it.
Palmer: (Raises eyebrows) Hmmm. Well, how is Kaeleb?
Me: Haven’t seen him.
Palmer: Why is that?
Me: (Inhales deeply) It’s for the best.
Palmer: (Nods) I see. And Linda?
Me: She’s dying.
Palmer: (Nods again) Yes, I’m aware. How is she?
Me: As well as can be expected, I guess.
Palmer: (Exhales) And Quinn?
Me: She’s gone. Surely you know about her suicide attempt.
Palmer: I do. Just wondering how she’s doing.
Me: Well, I have no answers for you there.
Palmer: Okay. (Shifts in seat) Want to tell my why you’ve gone back to using Raven as your identity?
Me: (Scoffs) Well, isn’t it obvious Doc? I mean, Linda’s dying. Quinn almost died. Aubrey had to be buried. End of story.
Palmer: (Nods) Do you think she will ever be brought back to life?
Me: Nope. Never.
Session 34:
(Approximately two months ago)
Palmer: You need to discuss everything that happened last year at some point. It’s unhealthy to keep it all inside.
Me: (Laughs) My health is the least of my concerns.
Palmer: (Narrows eyes) Well, you’re not giving me anything to go on here. I’m not sure why you insist on visiting. It’s obvious you seek no help from me.
Me: True. I’m not sure either. I’ll just be going.
Palmer: (Exhales as he rises) Well, I’m here if you need me. Like I told you, my door is always open. When and if you decide you want to discuss the true nature of your problems, instead of providing me with evasive answers to my questions, I can help you get through this particularly difficult point in your life. But you have to want to be helped. I can’t force that desire upon you.
Me: Yeah. (Turns and leaves)
Session 35:
(One day ago, the day before Winter Break)
Palmer: (Eyes wide) You’re back.
Me: I’m back.
Palmer: (Takes seat) I’m happy to see you. How are classes?
Me: Fine. Not much to do other than study. And drink. (Laughs)
Palmer: (Leans forward) Are you drunk now?
Me: Why yes. Yes, I am.
Palmer: How did you get here? Surely you didn’t drive.
Me: (Shakes head) Took a campus shuttle bus. Wouldn’t want to unnecessarily endanger people’s lives. Give me some credit.
Palmer: (Clenches jaw and reclines) Why exactly are you here then? After a full two months?
Me: (Laughs again) Because I finally figured it out, Doc. Why I insist on coming back here.
Palmer: Why is that?
Me: Well, you see, it’s twofold actually. The first reason is that I’m pissed.
Palmer: (Nods) That’s to be expected. What exactly are you pissed about?
Me: (Narrows eyes) I’m pissed at you actually.
Palmer: Why is that?
Me: Because you gave me hope. You made me believe that I could be something that I’m not. That I could be happy. That I could have things that I was never meant to have.
Palmer: Such as.
Me: Love.
Palmer: (Leans forward again) Why do you feel that you can never experience love?
Me: (Shrugs shoulders) Because death annihilates love. I am death. I’m not meant to love. It’s a proven fact, Doc.
Palmer: I see. And your second reason for coming here?
Me: Confirmation.
Palmer: What do you need to confirm?
Me: (Sighs and rises to leave) That no one can help me now. Not even you.
My head is spinning so I just sprawl out on my living room floor in my pajamas among the trash and vodka bottles that litter it. I can’t stop staring at the fan, even though it’s making me sick as it keeps going round and round and round. My head bobs as I watch it, identifying with its repeated motions.
Round and round and round.
Spiraling.
Sinking.
I close my eyes. Round and round I go in my darkness as I drift off to sleep.
“Jesus Christ, Bree.” A familiar voice barely stirs me from my rest, but I don’t open my eyes. I just lay there and allow it to take me to another place as I dream. I dream of the heat of Kaeleb’s body, his soft lips as they mesh with mine, the taste of his tongue as he kisses me in a way that only he can. His touches aren’t sloppy or rough. They’re perfect as I allow them to blanket the constant ache in my chest. The one I still refuse to acknowledge but is always there.
And as my body lifts in my dream, I inhale his scent deeply and wrap my arms around his neck, holding him tightly as I’m tenderly reminded of his loss. The feeling of being near him soothes my heart, my mind and my soul. I lose myself in it as I drift further into sleep and for the first time in a long while, my body hums with contentedness, relaxing and unwinding as his essence carries me away.
I remain there as long as I can, until light begins to penetrate through my closed lids and the rolling of the road enters my consciousness. My head is pounding, my mouth is parched and pasty, and my body is trembling from the amount of alcohol my body was forced to process last night.
Slowly, I peel my eyes open, only to cover them with my hands at the bright light surrounding me. What the hell? My room is never this bright. Ever.
A harsh snicker fills my ears, the familiarity sending an erratic set of jolting shocks through my system.
“Some things never change I see. Once a vampire, always a vampire.”
My heart sputters and then begins to race, increasing the rate and intensity of the throbbing in my aching head.
Oh. My. God.
Shock morphs into anger as my hands drop to my chest and my eyes fly open, only to fall into a squint when they’re harshly reacquainted with the sun.
I twist my neck and shield my eyes to see Kaeleb sitting in the driver’s seat of his car, no smile on his face and his hands on the wheel. I reach over to the side of the seat and lift the lever, catapulting me into sitting position.
“What are you doing? How did you get into my apartment?” I shout, immediately wincing afterwards.
Another laugh is released with no absolutely no humor in its tone. “It turns out I not only have ninja hands, I also possess ninja charm.” His eyes remain forward. “Seeing as how you refuse to speak to me, I’ve been forced to keep tabs on you through Palmer. He called me yesterday, worried, and asked me to check on you, so I spoke to the apartment manager and finagled a key.” He glances at me as he shrugs. “Ninja charm.”
My eyes roll into my head before breaking away from him to look out the window. Deciding it’s easier on my head if I take it down a notch, I ask, “Where are you taking me?” Glancing out the window, I catch site of a familiar town café which sends more excruciating throbs to my pounding head. And as I eye my surroundings, it becomes blatantly clear where he’s taking me. I’ve passed through this town every single time I travel to Linda’s.
Absolute dread overrules the prospect of pain, and I don’t even give him time to answer before shouting, “NO! I’m not going!” Panic floods my chest and I fiercely shake my head back and forth. My nails dig into the seat underneath me and then I draw my knees up to my chest, removing my grasp and hugging them tightly as my head continues saying what fear has robbed my voice from shouting.
“You’re going, Bree. I’m sorry. This has to be done.” Kaeleb doesn’t bother to look at me. He just flicks the turn signal and glides into the other lane before shutting it off.
“Kaeleb, please.” My voice breaks and moisture pools in my eyes as my chin trembles. “Please, don’t make me do this.”
“It’s not going to work this time, Bree. You aren’t going to be able to ‘Kaeleb, please’ your way out of this. Not today. This is too important.”
“Kaeleb—”
“So help me, Bree, if you say please again I will completely lose whatever self-control I’ve managed to contain thus far.” His jaw ticks and he pulls his attention away from the road, glaring at me. “Please is exactly what got you into this mess to begin with. Please is what landed you right back into this bullshit martyrdom while practically drinking yourself to death in the process. And please is why I was forced to sit back and do absolutely nothing while I watched it happen.”
He shakes his head. “Nope. No more pleases. Mark my words…This. Shit. Stops. Today.”
My mouth flies open, but Kaeleb cuts me off once again. “Save it. We can hash this out when we get there, but right now I need you to remain quiet until we arrive.”
Tearing his eyes away from me, he signals again as he passes another car. “I’m too f*cking pissed at you right now to have any sort of productive conversation anyway. It’s just better if we don’t speak,” he adds, his tone clipped.
I close my mouth and grunt my agreement, turning to the window and setting my cheek on my knees as I watch the familiar terrain as it flies by. Mile by mile my anxiety grows exponentially until the point that when we finally pull into Linda’s driveway, my nails have dug into the skin of my palm, forming moon impressions tinged with blood.
Flexing my fingers, I set my bare feet back on the floorboard before turning to Kaeleb.
“How do you even know where Linda lives?”
He pulls the keys out of the ignition before reaching for the door handle. Opening it, he sets one foot on the driveway and offers over his shoulder, “Well, in a shocking twist of fate it seems we have become extremely close during your…absence.”
My face falls as he shuts the door and I quickly bound out of his car, following him to the entryway, surprised when he pulls a key from his pocket and unlocks her house. Glancing down at my attire, I begin to straighten my shirt and pajama pants when I realize I don’t even have any shoes. “You don’t need to worry about what you look like. She’s not here. You do need to take a shower before we go, however, because I refuse to take you to her in this condition. It would break her heart.”
“I can’t do anything about my hair, Kaeleb,” I respond, his condescending tone not helping with my agitated state.
He scoffs. “I’m not talking about your hair. You’ve got black smeared all over your face, Bree. You look like death warmed over, and if I weren’t so frustrated with you right now, I’d have a killer joke primed and ready, which kind of pisses me off in its own right.”
I lick my fingers and begin to wipe under my eyes just as he jiggles the handle, opening the door and waiting for me to enter. Black covers my fingers as I pass him by and say nothing, but that doesn’t stop him from speaking. Unfortunately.
“Oh, I almost forgot.” He grins a devious, toothy grin. “When I packed your clothes, I left the contact case. So, I guess when you take them out today, which you will, your freaky cat eyes will be a lost cause. Oops.”
I narrow my eyes and turn around. “What makes you think I’m taking them out?”
He mockingly replicates my expression. “Because I refuse to let you walk into that hospital – where that woman has been lying for a solid month now, waiting for you to call her, to check on her, to give her one single ounce of hope that you give two shits about her, all the while fighting for a life that you’re so quick to dismiss, and have her see you looking like…” He reaches forward and presses his thumb under my eye and slides it to the side before bringing it directly into my line of sight, “this. She wants you. Not Raven.”
Eyeing the black on the pad of his thumb, my throat constricts and I swallow slowly as I meet his glare. “I can’t go, Kaeleb.”
He drops his arm, exhaling his irritation and running his hand through his hair before answering. “You owe her this.” He tightens his gaze and his features harden. “You’ve already buried her Bree, but she’s still alive.” He shakes his head. “Look. I know we’re not in a good place right now, but one day when you wake up from this nightmare you insist on reliving, you’re going to realize what you’ve done. What you’ve sacrificed.” I watch as his face relaxes a smidge before he leans forward and whispers, “Regardless of what’s transpired between us, I care about you too much to let that happen.”
He turns his back on me, clearing his throat as he steps toward the door. “Take a shower. I’m going to get your clothes and I’ll put them by the bathroom for when you’re ready.” Placing his fingers on the handle, he jerks it open, adding before he steps outside, “And please, for the love of God, take the f*cking contacts out.”
The door slams shut and I stand there, completely taken aback not only with his obvious issue with my appearance, but the situation as a whole.
I know that Linda has been in and out of the hospital recently, but only because I’m usually forced to hear the first sentence of her messages before deleting them and texting her back. Kaeleb has a key to the house and knows his way around, which tells me he’s been here before. Possibly several times.
“…we have become extremely close during your…absence.”
Having Kaeleb bring me here and force me to come face-to-face with the situation, makes everything seem so real. I’ve managed to block the pain and detach myself from the harshness of this reality, but being here in this house with the loving memories of Linda everywhere I look, my barricade completely crumbles. I’m no longer safely secure inside its numbness. I’m suddenly thrust into feeling—for the first time in several months—every single emotion I’ve been avoiding.
My eyes fill with tears of frustration as I slowly drag my feet to the bathroom, my selfishness becoming painfully obvious. I know I disappeared when she needed me, but in my twisted mind I figured she was better off without me, that I would only cause more illness. I’d just hoped that, without me, her chances of survival would increase drastically.
Which, unfortunately, doesn’t seem to be the case.
My chin trembles as I flick on the light and glance to my reflection, watching the tiny droplets pool along the black smudges lining the bottoms of my eyes from the tears now being shed. My face is pale and drawn, my skin sallow, and the areas covered in black are swollen and puffy. I look like shit on the outside, but I feel even worse on the inside as disappointment begins to seep through my mind.
Disappointment in my cowardice.
Disappointment in my apathy.
Disappointment in the time I’ve wasted.
I don’t even know who the f*ck I am anymore.
“You’ve already buried her Bree, but she’s still alive.”
My hands find my face, covering my cheeks as my fingernails dig into the skin underneath them out of pure frustration. My heart aches with the knowledge that she was forced to face this fight without me by her side.
A battle she’s waging not for herself, but for me. For me.
Guilt overcomes me, and the piercing pain of its presence slices open my chest with the precision of a sharpened blade. Tears roll down my wrists and forearms as it penetrates, cutting and stripping away the layers of decay until only a small sliver which burns brightly with unwavering vitality remains.
I love Linda. She deserves more than I could ever possibly give her. Definitely more than what I’ve settled on providing her over the last several months with my nonexistence.
Shame fills my heart.
I should have been here, right by her side as she fights this impossible fight.
And with the allowance of that admission, I cautiously grip the shard of light, cradling it and nestling it closely as I guide it slowly into the voided space in my chest, then release it carefully. As the warmth sparks and begins to spread throughout, I breathe in slowly, enjoying the soothing calm of its presence.
It may only be a spark, but I find myself hoping that it continues to grow.
Tearing my hands away from my eyes, I open them, surprised by the flush in my cheeks as my coloring returns with vigor before leaning forward and plucking the contacts out of my eyes.
And then, against all odds, new-found determination sets in as I drop them in the commode and jump in the shower.