“You were provocatively dressed.”
She’d told him in the past that she dressed suggestively and went out alone to pick up guys. It was a side effect of her trauma. She had to put herself back in danger by placing herself in the same situation that had gotten her abducted. It was her punishment for escaping when Holli hadn’t. It hadn’t even been a conscious thought until Jarocki had gotten it out of her during one of their sessions. And even though she understood it, she still kept doing it.
“I was just having a night out. It wasn’t planned. It was just something I felt like doing. Are you now telling me that short skirts are no friends to PTSD?”
“No—and you’re being combative, Zo?.”
“What’s the problem, doctor? Look, if you’ve got something to say, then just spit it out.”
“You were out drinking in the middle of the week, dressed for a pickup. You were re-creating the scenario that got you abducted and putting yourself in the firing line again. Putting yourself to the test. Hoping for a confrontation. I thought you’d gotten past that behavior months ago. When did you slip—or have you just gotten better at lying to me?”
Zo? could tell Jarocki was angry, but he still managed to keep his tone to that of a disappointed parent.
“Look, you’re making a lot of assumptions. I could have been celebrating a birthday with a friend, for all you know.”
“Were you? Correct me. Tell me I’m wrong. What was the friend’s name?”
Zo? didn’t answer.
“Zo?, I have been your confidant for over a year. I know you. I understand the situation and the pain you are in, and I’m here for the long haul. It doesn’t matter if it takes a year or a decade to help you, I will be here to support you. You don’t have to lie to me. You’ll never disappoint me, but if you keep making bad choices, you’ll disappoint yourself.”
Yeah, he was a confidant. Confidants were great at listening and providing shoulders to cry on, but that was it. They were never there to offer any concrete help, help that made a change. And therapists were the worst kind of confidant. They tossed you all the materials for making a bridge but never provided the instructions. She was just about to drop this science on her confidant when the fight went out of her.
She couldn’t chastise him for what he’d said, because he wasn’t wrong. She was putting herself in harm’s way. She was putting herself to the test. She wanted to see if she could repel someone like the Tally Man. She had skills she didn’t have the last time. If she ran into another Tally Man, would the outcome be the same? She wanted to win, score one for the victims. And if she lost, she was OK with that too. It was the price she had to pay for surviving the abduction when Holli hadn’t. These were crazy thoughts. What’s wrong with me? At first, she hadn’t been aware of her actions, hadn’t recognized her dangerous thinking. Now she did. She was aware. Yet still she did the same thing again and again.
She slumped against the wall, slopping coffee onto the tile floor. “I don’t know why I do it,” she conceded.
He took her half-drunk cup of coffee. “We’re complex machines. It takes us a long time to work out why we do the things we do, but once we do, we are better off for it.”
He walked her back toward his office. “With so much that’s happened, how do you think you’re doing in general?”
She wanted to lie and say she was doing fine, but couldn’t. She’d recently assaulted three people because a killer was at the back of her mind. She told Jarocki about lashing out at Monica at her self-defense class and the incidents with Rick Sobona and the journalist.
“Those are unfortunate incidents, but hopefully you recognize your situation. You are in a vulnerable state, and you need to take care of yourself. Don’t spread yourself too thin. Be good to yourself and surround yourself with supportive friends.”
It was all good advice, but advice was rarely that easy to implement. Being good to herself wasn’t going to help her against a killer. Friends might help. But when it came down to it, there was just herself to count on. That was a sad indictment of her life.
“Have the police offered you protection?”
“No. Why?”
“I don’t mean to scare you, but if I saw you on the TV, then there’s more than an even chance that this killer did too, and he may have recognized you. That’s not good. Watch out for yourself.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
The following day, Zo? sat at the mall information kiosk, thinking. She hadn’t stopped thinking since her session the night before. Many things swirled around in her head. The scariest of them all was that Tally Man could have recognized her. Her impulsiveness may have put a target on her back.
Sometimes, you’re not too smart, Zo? thought.