“You’re being ridiculous.”
“Maybe, but I’m illustrating that you are not responsible for the world’s ills. You can’t carry the blame for others or their future consequences. None of us can. That’s the road to self-destruction. Look, we’ve talked about this many times during our sessions, and I know it’s hard, but you have to forgive yourself. People can’t function without forgiveness. It’s why the Catholics have confession and the Jews have Yom Kippur. You recognize your failings, and you move on.”
“Sounds like guilt-free living.”
“It’s sane living.”
“That’s all fine and dandy, but you’re forgetting punishment. If I go to confession, there’s no getting off the hook. I have to do penance by saying Hail Marys or whatever. There’s a punishment to be paid. Where’s my punishment?”
“Haven’t you punished yourself enough?”
It was a low blow, a good one, but still a low one.
Jarocki got to his feet. “I’m going to make myself a cup of coffee. Can I get you any?”
She nodded, and they left his office for a closet masquerading as the staff break room. He made them both coffee, using one of those pod machines.
“I get stuck in that office all day. Do you mind if we walk and talk? Everyone’s gone for the day. No one will overhear us.”
“Sure.”
They walked the quiet, narrow corridors. It reminded her of her rounds at the mall. She resisted the urge to check doors to see if they were locked.
“Despite your unorthodox approach, how did the police treat you?”
“Like cops.”
He smiled and nodded. “I got that from the inspector who came by to see me. He knew I couldn’t share anything, but still he came on a fishing expedition.”
“Actually, if I’m being honest, they were good. Once I got them to listen, it helped calm me down. I won’t say they made me feel like I was helping, but I know I have. Because of me, they know the case isn’t a one-off.”
“Isn’t that great? You said you wanted to help and you have. You’ve put the police on the right course that will help catch this killer.”
“But I can do more.”
“I’m sure you can, but it’s not your job. You’re not the police. You’ve done what you can. Now let them do their job.”
That was easier said than done. It was hard to sit on the sidelines when she was connected to all this. There were still more answers locked inside her head. She needed to dig them out and not just for their benefit. She needed to know what had happened to her and Holli when they left Vegas. She wasn’t willing to let it be lost in the murk anymore.
They reached the end of a corridor and stopped to look out the window. They weren’t high enough to get the full panorama of the city, but she got a decent look at Alcatraz, the Golden Gate Bridge, and could even make out the top of Pier 25. She sipped her coffee and found it tasted more bitter than it had a moment ago.
She didn’t like it when Jarocki got all parental with her and tried to teach her life lessons, but his genuine concern for her well-being took the sting out of his mild badgering.
“You know I have to take you to task,” Jarocki said. “When you rushed to that crime scene, you were in crisis and you didn’t call me.”
An image of her bursting through the police cordon played across her mind. It had been a long time since she’d been that out of control. She took a breath and exhaled. “There wasn’t time. The police interviewed me for a long time.”
“And that could have been avoided if you hadn’t acted so impulsively. You should have called me first, and I could have been there with you. As we’ve discussed many times, impulsive behavior isn’t good for us. Do you think you could have handled the situation differently and achieved the same results?”
Impulse control was one of Jarocki’s many hobbyhorses, but to Zo? it smacked of emotional repression. She understood that it wasn’t. Feeling fear wasn’t anything to avoid, but letting it overwhelm her behavior was. It had taken a year of hindsight to understand that. In the heat of the moment, she wasn’t always rational.
“I panicked when I saw the news. I was back in that shed with him. I had to know whether it was him again, and I didn’t care how I did it. I didn’t give myself any time to deal with the shock, and I should have.”
“I’m a resource you should never be afraid to use.”
“I’ll make sure I do that next time.”
“Several other aspects of what happened that night concern me. First, you came from a bar.”
“Oh come on, Dr. Jarocki. I’m not a drunk.”
“I never said you were. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional drink, but as I’ve discussed with you before, alcohol doesn’t help PTSD.”
“What else?” Zo? asked.