At least I wanted to believe this was all true. So it was.
And then two years later he wanted to do something permanent, change the way we fit together for the rest of our lives, and it scared me. I could not talk him out of it. He could not spend his father’s money fast enough; he was in a race with himself. I could see he was sticking his head out, his chest, his neck, reaching for that finish line. I had never seen him running so fast in his life.
13.
We had taken some Advil. We had guzzled some water. We had decided we were never going to drink again. We lay there and let the water run through us. Hydrating, said Valka. It was soothing, and I began to calm down.
“What are you going to do with all that money anyway?” she said.
“I do not even care about it at all,” I said.
“You must care a little,” she said.
“Live, I guess.” I had not thought much about how I would spend it. “Maybe I should send some of it back,” I said. “Like half. That seems fair.”
“You will do no such thing,” said Valka.
A chime rang in the other room, and then there was a knock at the door. Valka got out of bed and started toward the front room.
“Wait—” I said.
“What?” she said.
“It could be someone looking for me,” I said.
“Well, if they found you, they found you,” she said. “You can’t stay in this room forever.”
She disappeared from sight. I heard the door open, and then I heard her laugh. “Hold on,” she said. She came back into view, grabbed her purse and ran back to the door. “This is for you,” she said.
She came back into the bedroom carrying a bouquet of red roses. “He is so in love with me,” she said. She sniffed the roses. “These are the real deal, too. I wonder where these came from, this time of year. The hybridized ones barely smell anymore. Although they are very cheap. And bright.”
She lay down in bed and put the flowers between us. I fingered the baby’s breath. “I knew it. I knew we had made a connection,” she said.
Another person in love. I was happy for my friend but still my face turned dark.
“Oh, honey,” she said. She reached out a hand toward my face. “It’s just some flowers. I don’t even like roses. I prefer more exotic blooms.”
“It’s nothing,” I said. “It’s good that he likes you.”
“But didn’t you have fun, too? With that little Prince impersonator? He definitely liked you.”
I did not say that he was a she, or something in between anyway. Halfway there in some ways, all the way there in others. I knew Valka would not judge me. I was not worried about that. I just did not want her to have all my secrets. I could see that she was hungering for them. She wanted real sisterhood. It was not bad that she wanted it to be that way. But I already had a sister. Valka was my friend. My best friend. And I would tell her a lot. Not everything, though. I did not want anyone to know everything about me. That seemed scary to me.
“We just talked,” I said. That was mostly the truth.
“What did you talk about?” said Valka. “Did you tell him this story?”
“Not really,” I said. “He talked more than me.” Also mostly true.
“Did you make out?” she said. “Did you let him get to first base?” She started laughing and I laughed, too. I smelled her roses, the tender petals brushing against my face. They did smell real.
IT WAS ONLY A FEW WEEKS AFTER Thomas and I watched the show that we were sitting in front of the brand-new Helping Hands Center in Omaha. Another parking lot, me wanting to stay in the car, and Thomas begging me to come inside with him. Thomas had an appointment with a doctor, just an initial meeting to see how much it would cost and how long it would take to fix his penis. “It’s just to see what it’s all about,” said Thomas.