“I know you’re not. You’re lying. You never feel a thing and you know it.”
I was quiet for a second. I should never hesitate during an argument with him because then he thought he had won. But I did not want him to say what we both thought sometimes, our shared fear. Maybe I just couldn’t feel him.
12.
I was always that way,” I said to Valka. “Like from the very first time.” I had showered and was wrapped in one of the gigantic bathrobes. It was so big my hands had disappeared in the sleeves. “Like first base, second base, when we were kids, that I felt just fine. We went out for a long time before we did it so I guess we did not know it was going to be a problem.”
“First base?” said Valka. She poked at me. “That’s adorable.”
I blushed. “You know what I mean. Anyway, when we finally decided to lose our virginity, it was such a big deal. Huge.” I stretched my arms out wide. “We talked about it for months, planning and plotting it. Then I lied to my parents about where I was going to be. Thomas got us a hotel room in Lincoln, downtown at the Cornhusker Hotel, which is super fancy. It has this big spiral staircase and chandeliers in the lobby. I do not know how he did it to this day. I am sure the people who worked there must have been wondering what these kids were doing checking in together but nobody said a thing. Thomas checked us in as Mr. and Mrs. Madison. I was acting like I was a grown woman with my luggage, but I was only sixteen years old. We lit candles and drank beer and I put on a special bra and underpants set I bought at the Victoria’s Secret. It was pink with little appliquéd baby roses on it. Really sweet.”
“Sometimes they do cute stuff,” said Valka. “But I think they’re way overpriced.”
“I did not really want to do it. I will say that right now. I could have waited forever and a day. But he wanted it. He had wanted it since the day we met. It was like we were husband and wife already, that was what he kept saying. ‘We’re lucky,’ he always told me. ‘We skipped all the hard parts and found each other.’ I believed him.”
“Kids,” said Valka. “Always wanting to grow up too fast.”
“So there I was, lying in bed in my fancy underpants. I remember him putting the condom on. He was calling me Mrs. Madison. That was all I could hear. He moved around on top of me. And then it was over just like that.” I snapped my fingers. “I did not even know it had started.”
“Boys go quick when they’re young,” said Valka.
“But I did not feel anything,” I said. “I did not even know he was in there. I felt like there was this wall in me, and nothing was going to break through it. It went on like this for months and months. I was so scared. I did not say anything about it. He did not ask how I felt, if I was having a good time or anything. He did not know yet that he was supposed to do that. And I did not know he was supposed to do that either. We were so young. I was so numb. And then one day he asked me if I liked it. Maybe he figured out to ask from a TV show, maybe one of his buddies, I do not know. He could tell I was lying. It all came out then. It was a mess. But it only brought us closer together. Together we were going to figure it out. Because that is what married couples did. It was either that or divorce.”
“You were sixteen,” said Valka.
“We were married. Or something like it,” I said. “We were like one.”
A FEW YEARS BACK Thomas had decided we needed a joint solution, and that could only be found in a sex shop. We drove down I-80 for a few hours, just over the Iowa border, where he had heard there was a magazine shop off the interstate that sold all kinds of helpful paraphernalia. Like little extra bits he could strap onto himself, just to give him an extra inch or two. And there were oils and creams and pills for me, to make me more “sensitive” down there. I had protested, but Thomas sweet-talked me into going with him. When we got to the store, I refused to go inside with him though. There were signs up all over the outside of the store that said “Triple XXX” and “Adult Magazines” and “Open 24 Hours,” and the windows were covered with curtains and I have never trusted a place that you can’t see inside. Plus there were a dozen big rigs sitting outside in the parking lot. It was the middle of summer and I was wearing a short skirt and a tank top and I suddenly felt naked. Thomas cut the engine off and the car immediately flooded with heat, the sun ticking off sweat points on my body.
“I do not care to mix with truckers in a dirty magazine store today, Thomas Madison,” I said. I was quiet. I never raised my voice to him. The few times I had he had always cried, and then I ended up doing what he wanted in the first place just to make him feel better. I had learned to keep my voice low and my thoughts clear when I disagreed with him.
“I’m sure that part’s separate,” he said. “Come on, baby, it’s better if we do it together.”