“Long story.”
“Concerning my shoes?”
“I would be more concerned someone your size has such big feet and can share shoes with me.”
“Alex…where are my shoes?”
“Ok, ok. I'll get you some more,” I muttered under my breath. “I’m sure the Masons can afford a pair of your fancy, designer shoes.”
I didn't hear a reply. Sitting up, I found Sadie’s hazel eyes scrutinizing my slumped frame. “So…” she probed.
“What!”
“This isn’t about shoes.”
“Let it go, Sadie.”
“Let’s discuss the long story. You know the one where Jess is in love with you and you pretend he isn’t.”
“No, it’s not like that.”
“Alex, that lie isn’t working anymore. He stared at you all night. It was a toss-up between exorbitant pride and some broody I-want-to-take-that-dress-off stare with those blue eyes. A little cute actually, but you….”
“Sadie!”
“You can’t deny it, sweetie. Not anymore. He’s way too transparent with his feelings.”
“I know,” I whispered.
My shoulders sagged, and I collapsed back on my bed, feeling the suffocating pressure in my chest. Tonight was a train wreck. I never should have let him touch me. I never should have let him kiss me. The answer to his question was yes; his lips on the neck and skin and top of my breast was kissing.
“So what made you all twisted up and full of doom and gloom with your cowboy?”
“He’s not my cowboy.”
“Sure, sweetie. Why don’t you tell yourself that little fake story and tell me the real one.”
“I told you it was a long.”
“I'm up and you’re jittery, from what I assume was a monolithic cup of espresso you had with Jess as he gazed into your eyes, which sent you into some neurotic internal fit. So start talking.”
“Alright, alright. If it will make you shut up, I’ll tell you the truth.” I walked over to flip off the light, launching the room into a safe darkness. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you when I said it was long.”
I sat cross-legged on my bed. My heart beat fast in my chest as I told Sadie the ghastly story of my life. It was the first time I ever told anyone. I’d never had someone I trusted enough to hear all the messy details. When I finished, I waited for Sadie's reaction. I’d spent enough time in her company to know she was processing the information. She skipped right over the humiliating part, where I confessed to living in my car, and went straight to the problem.
“So you’re pretty indebted to the Masons.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, at least you’re getting a college education from it. You have to look at it that way. It defines your future. You had no choice but to say yes, and let the Masons send you to school here.”
“I know. I came to the same conclusion.”
“Here’s something you need to think about. People use other people for self-gain. Even expect handouts from others. I think you are different. This family offered you a life. It wasn't something you just expected from them. So I don’t think you’re using them, sweetie.”
“It doesn’t feel that way.” I reached for the bottle of water sitting on my night stand. The hour of talking left my throat dry and scratchy.
“What do you plan to do with your list?”
“I'm not sure just yet. I figured one day the answer would be standing in front of me, or maybe screaming at me. I don’t know. The whole thing’s a little crazy.”
“I'm a planner. You knew that already. I’m not just a Type A personality, but more like an A plus. I understand lists. I have lists of lists. Don't roll your eyes. It's true. My future is in those lists. They only work because I have a plan. If you intend to keep your Mason List, then you need to figure out the goal. Otherwise, a list without a tangible plan or purpose will hold you back instead of moving you forward. Something that significant will only become mushed up nonsense in your brain, distracting you from the important decisions in your life. Trust me on that one, sweetie.”
“What would you do with it?”
“I wish I could help but it's not my life that was affected. I didn’t make this one. It's your life and your list. Only you know what resolution will give you a sense of absolution, a sense of peace.”
“I wish this wasn’t so damn complicated.”
“I know, sweetie. But I understand now, I think.”
“You do?”
“Your friendship with Jess is…very complex. And since we are dissecting that blue-eyed cowboy, is Jess as good as I think he is?”
“Sadie! I didn't have sex with him. We’re not that kind of friends.”
“I wasn't implying that you did. Jess is, oh, how you put it. That boy has intensity to his personality. He's one of those that you just know from one kiss how the rest will be. I've been on that twisty road and the end was even better than the beginning. So was it good?”
“It doesn't matter how he makes me feel. There can never be more between us. Not with everything that happened. Jess is a Mason, and he’s gonna take over the ranch soon. He will have all the power and could even kick my dad out of the farmhouse if he wanted to.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“Fine,” I sighed, annoyed. “It was something I can’t even explain. You take everything between us. We know each other so well. When he kisses me, it’s like I can’t even think straight. His lips are so soft and then his eyes get dark and I know…what he’s thinking. And I can’t breathe. Like I can’t breathe unless he keeps kissing me…and it takes everything in me to tell him to stop. Because I…I can’t do this with him. I can’t Sadie. I just can’t.”
“And that’s my point. You need a plan. I’m not sure how you intend to keep this little friendship going the way it is.”
“I know.” I felt sick hearing her words. It would be a long night.
The next morning, I received a bouquet of tulips. Before I opened the card, I knew the orange flowers came from Jess. My heart beat frantic in my chest seeing his handwriting. We needed this summer apart if I was going to continue taking from his parents.
Beautiful flowers for my beautiful girl. Cheesy as hell, right? But I know one day you’ll let me say the real words to you. – Jess
Chapter 28
Today, 2:27 a.m.
My father grips the steering wheel. I sit in the passenger seat of his black Ford F150. We pass only one car on the way out of Arlis at this time of night. I’m still awake as the truck gets on the interstate. I want to be asleep but then again, I want to be awake.
My father looks over in my direction for the hundredth time. “You should try to sleep.”
“I’m not tired,” I mutter the lie. I’m exhausted in both my body and mind. Absently, I rub my fingers over the blue stars inked into my wrist. As the truck whisks down the highway, I seek comfort from the same stars shining through the windows.
“Did I ever tell you about the first time I talked to your mother?”
“What?” I mutter.
“Your mother thought I was crazy,” he chuckles a little to himself. “I saw her on this little bench in the park where I took my lunch breaks. She was beautiful, Alex. I’d never seen anyone like her. She had this long, red hair. It’s what I noticed first, you know. Made her stand out from all the other girls.”
“You liked mom because of her hair?” The knot in my stomach grew tighter.
“Yeah, I did. It had me all crazy. She came to the park the same time I did every day. I watched her for weeks before I got up the nerve to talk to her. And you know what I did? I told her I loved her.”
“The first time you talked to her?”