“It’s fine. I can’t change the inevitable. But it doesn’t have to all be decided tonight.” He shrugged his shoulders. They were heavy with the weight of his destiny. We both knew he would go back to Sprayberry; it was just a matter of when. Jess traced over each of my fingers then squeezed my hand tighter. I let him hold on to me just a little longer.
We said nothing for a while. He held my hand. I drank my coffee. He watched me with his blue eyes. From an outsider’s view, I’m sure they read this different than it really was for us. I finished the last sip of the giant espresso and pushed the cup over in the corner.
“You ready to go?”
Jess nodded and then pulled me up from the bench, keeping a tight grip on my fingers. He tugged me through the café to the exit. I should let go now. My brain chanted the words as I walked barefoot behind Jess, but I couldn’t bring myself to release this connection to him. We reached his truck and Jess opened the door for me. Only then, did he let go of my hand so I could climb inside.
We pulled out of the parking lot without saying anything. I reached over and turned the radio to a station playing The Snow Pistols. Using the steering wheel controls, he flipped it back to Jason Boland.
I changed it back with the console dial. At the stoplight, we stared at each other until he winked and flipped it again. I grabbed the knob and clicked it back, getting the last few notes of the Pistol’s song, Ten Foot Hole.
“Ok, fine. It’s your night, Al. We can listen to crap.”
I settled back against the tan leather, grinning.
Jess parked his truck in the student parking lot. I opened my door to find him standing next to it. He turned around, backing his butt up against my seat.
“What are you doing?”
“You threw your shoes in the trash, remember? I'm not listenin' to another bitch fit when you step on a broken beer bottle.”
“I don't have bitch fits.”
“Just get on.”
I climbed onto his back with Sadie’s short dress pushed up to my hips. Jess pulled my legs tight across his stomach, holding them under each knee. Clinging to his shoulders, I felt his warm body pressed against me, just the way I wanted to feel him all night.
“Ready.”
“Yeah,” I answered next to his ear.
“Then hold on.” Jess took off running toward the dorm entrance. I clenched his waist with my thighs to keep from falling. My fingers dug into his chest as he zig-zagged around parked cars and jumped over parking blocks. I laughed hard against his neck. I laughed and it felt good. I needed this with him. I needed him. The thought caused me to take a deep breath of the cool air.
At the entrance, I slide down his back to the ground. Jess turned and looked at me. He was so close but yet his body didn’t touch me anymore. My toes twisted around next to his ostrich boots. I took another deep breath trying to stop what I was feeling. I wanted his warm body against me. I wanted to feel him again.
“Al…” He smiled that intense puckered up grin that made his whole face lit up. “I like it when you laugh like that.”
“Really?”
“It’s your happy one. I don’t hear it very often. Not like tonight.”
“That’s because I’m having fun tonight.” I laid a hand on his chest as I said the words. His heart was beating as fast as mine. I told myself not to touch him but I couldn’t pull away.
“Good.” Jess pushed a piece of my hair behind my ear, letting his thumb touch my face. He brushed down my cheek to my lips. My face flushed as he traced over the bottom one.
“You smell good tonight too. Like peaches.”
“No, I don’t. You just want me to smell like them because they’re orange.”
Jess slipped his hand around my waist, pulling me against his chest. Leaning in close to my neck, he planted a faint, warm kiss slightly just below my jaw. “You’re lyin’. I smell peaches.”
“Maybe,” I whispered.
Jess pulled back enough to watch me. His blue eyes scanned over my face and neck. I smiled at him, feeling the warm buzz of the moment. It was slightly intoxicating being wrapped up in the shadows under the street light.
Jess grinned then leaned forward, kissing me in the same spot again. His soft lips skimmed further down my neck. I closed my eyes, letting myself feel him touch my skin. He was good at this. He was good at making it seem ok.
“You think it means less if you just kiss my neck?” I whispered.
“I don’t know. Does it?”
It was innocent, I told myself, except my body reacted to the sound of his low voice. It responded to his breath floating against my neck. It betrayed me almost as much as my heart beating frantic in my chest.
Leaning forward, Jess broke his promise again and kissed me lower toward my chest. He let his lips sit in place, scorching my skin. Moving his fingers, he traced along the silky fabric on my back. Jess was touching me and kissing me and I couldn’t think. He made me feel things I kept locked away. My toes curled against the cement as I tried to get control of my feelings. One turn of my cheek and I could taste his sweet lips again.
I felt his hand dip down past my waist, tracing my butt check through the silky fabric. I sucked in a deep breath through my nose. “What are you doing?” I whispered.
“I don’t know…I wanted to touch you all night.”
“So you decided to just do it.”
“Yeah, I guess. Are you mad?”
“I…I don’t know.”
Jess moved his hand back to my waist. Looking into my eyes, he smiled sweetly, holding me against his chest. I felt the full outline of his body through my stupid, thin dress. He was messing with my head tonight; messing with my body and making it want things.
“I think I should go back to my room.”
“Al, wait…we could go somewhere.”
“And do what exactly?”
His sweet, blue eyes pierced into mine, holding me captive. “Go drivin’…just talk…we don’t even have to get out of the truck. I just…I don’t want tonight to be over yet.”
Because Jess knew I wouldn’t let him this close again. His eyes pleaded with me. Those damn blue eyes were my weakness. I had to be strong.
“I can’t,” I whispered, feeling the bittersweet punch in the gut.
His eyes got sad, and it took a moment for him to release me. Jess finally leaned forward, giving me a quick peck on the cheek. “Night, Alex.”
Suddenly set free, I watched his ostrich boots head back to the truck. My heart beat in a painful acceleration and I released the breath I’d failed to realize I was holding. Faint traces of his cologne remained in the air.
I waited, angry at myself, hoping he would turn around. I was weak. I was so weak that I would have let Jess kiss me on the lips if he had tried. My stomach tightened. I watched until his dark hair faded away into the parking lot.
Turning around, I walked barefoot into the dorms. I sat down in the hallway outside my room. I needed him and it made me angry at myself. I needed him the same way I needed air…a little bit over and over again just to survive. It was wrong. I shouldn’t feel this way about him. I couldn’t feel this way about him. I refused to allow it.
After a good amount of mental torture, I got off the floor to face my roommate. I opened the door to find Sadie ironing her sheets before putting them on the bed; just another one of the OCD tendencies of Sadence McAllister.
“You’re so strange sometimes, Sadie.” I shook my head, watching her remove the imaginary wrinkles from her already starched white sheets.
“I wouldn’t go there unless you want to discuss the items hanging in your closet and don’t even get me started on your pseudo-psychotic nail polish collection.”
“Ok. Ok. How was…”
“Charles. All tie and no plan. Complete insane and non-plausible ideas that will go nowhere. But he was cute. So I listened and played civil until I thought my brain would just self-destruct to put me out of my misery.”
“Can't you just discuss normal things?”
“What's the fun in that? So where have you been?”
“That new French coffee place on Sixth.”
“And how is Jess tonight?”
“Fine.” I stayed clear of the tell-tale eyes and fell back flat against my mattress. I got myself in a real mess tonight and I didn’t have the energy for her to poke holes all through it.
“Where are my shoes?”