Chapter 18
Elle
I lay, face down on my bed, my head pressed hard against my pillow.
My head was throbbing, and not only because of the alcohol. I'd never done anything so downright reckless and stupid. I mean, what the hell was I thinking?
Ray had ushered me into a cab outside and sent me packing. I guess he wanted to make his own way back without me in tow. I didn't blame him. I was an embarrassment.
I heard the door to the room swing open fast but kept my head to my pillow. I didn't want to have to field any questions from Alice right now. Maybe I'd just pretend to be asleep?
But no, it wasn't Alice. It wasn't Tess either.
Oh shit, it was Crash.
“What in the name of f*ck was that?”
The voice sent a shiver into my body. The last thing I wanted to do now was see him. I wish I could just disappear into my bed and die.
I heard the door shut hard and his footsteps come towards me from behind.
“I said, what the f*ck was that Elle?”
I couldn't move. I couldn't turn around and look at him. I'd sooner spend the rest of my life hugging my duvet.
“I know you're awake. Look at me.” His hand reached onto my shoulder and forced me over onto my side.
My eyes were full of tears, my face growing red with abject humiliation. His, on the other hand, were fierce and furious. They looked like they did when I first met him.
“Do you have any idea what just happened Elle. You almost spoiled a f*cking important meeting for me.”
I sniffed, rolling back onto my side to hide my face. I couldn't bare to look at him right now.
I felt him sit down on the bed, my back to him. His words began softening at the sight of me. I must have looked so pathetic.
“I'm sorry,” I sniffed, “I had a few too many drinks. I wasn't thinking.”
“Too damn right you weren't thinking. You were shouting like a loon in the middle of a f*cking restaurant!”
“I know. I can't take my drink sometimes.”
I felt his hand lift onto my shoulder, his touch growing more gentle.
“So who were you with? That guy, who was he?” Was that jealousy in his voice?
“Um, he was a date. Tess set us up.”
“That's what I thought.” His voice did seem to drop a little. “Was it going well, before...?”
I sniffed again. “Not really. Hence all the drinking. He was pretty boring actually.”
He laughed lightly. He sounded almost relieved.
“First dates can be like that I guess.”
“Yep, not that I'd know. I haven't had one in years.”
His tone perked up. The anger in his voice was lost now.
“Really?” He sounded surprised.
“Yep. Last proper first date I had was way before I started uni. Before I met Brad.” The name still left a bitter taste in my mouth.
“Brad? Ex boyfriend?” I realized suddenly that he wouldn't know who Brad was. Why should he?
“Psycho ex, yeah. He's the reason I'm here.” The lingering alcohol in my body was making me open up more than usual.
I felt him pull at my shoulder and roll me back around to look at him. His eyes were full of concern all of a sudden.
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, nothing serious,” I lied. “Things just got weird with him when we broke up so I moved here to get away. I mean, I didn't have to move. I guess I wanted a change anyway.”
All lies. I didn't want to move. It was the last thing I wanted. That freak had forced me out.
“I'm sorry to hear that Elle.” He sounded genuine.
“And I'm sorry for the other night as well,” he continued. “I guess I reacted badly when you pushed me away.” His eyes dropped a little and he turned his head from my gaze. “I just thought you liked me is all.”
I felt my heart quicken slightly, my breath growing more heavy. “I do like you. I just...”
His eyes returned to mine. “Just what?”
“I don't know Crash. I mean, we're so different. I don't just sleep with guys randomly. It's not me.”
“And you think that's what I wanted? You think I'd treat you like that?”
I didn't really know what to say. I felt awkward talking about this. Literally everyone had warned me off him, told me he wasn't someone to get involved with. I didn't have a clue what to think.
“I don't know. I don't know you really.”
He was shaking his head lightly. “No one does,” he said, his voice dropping. “No one knows who I really am. I get it Elle. I know what people have probably said about me. I know what you probably think.”
He turned and looked towards the door.
“I walked away because I like you Elle. There's something about you that draws me in. You're not like the sort of girls I know. But...”
His words hung in the air for a moment.
“...but I can't see you. Not right now.”
I felt a real conflict inside of him. It was like he wanted to lean in and kiss me but couldn't, but wouldn't.
I reached out and took his hand in mine, his eyes turning back on me. “You don't have to be Crash with me, you know. You don't have to be that guy. If no one knows who you really are, show me.”
I felt his hand tighten on mine, his hazel eyes lowering to my lips. He sat there looking at me, a solemn stare on his face like he was weighing things up in his mind.
I wanted him to lean in and kiss me, I wanted those lips on mine. I wanted more. I wanted his hands to caress my body, his fingers to brush through my hair. I wanted his lips to spread over my neck and down. I wanted his hands to touch me where I hadn't been touched in months. I wanted the feel of his warm body next to mine. I wanted it all.
But I wouldn't instigate it. I wouldn't force it.
If he wanted it too, it was down to him.
His hand slowly slipped from my grasp, the tips of his fingers lightly brushing past mine as he stood, slowly, and turned again at the door.
“I'm sorry Elle,” he said, his words now almost a whisper. “I can't be here any more.”
He turned and looked at me, my eyes full of want, a desire for him building inside me.
“I have feelings for you. But I can't act on them now. Not right now.” His voice turned less emotional, more businesslike.
“But I'll always be there, OK. If you ever need me, I'll be there.”
Those were his final words to me. He turned back towards the door and walked briskly towards it, opening it quietly and disappearing out into the hall.
I lay there in silence once more, a heavy weight of disappointment and loss filling me up from the core.
They say you don't miss what you've never had. That was bullshit.
I'd never had him, but I missed him already. The idea of him, the thought of him, the fantasy that we might be together.
It was all just a dream, one that would never become reality.
And yes, call me stupid, but I couldn't help but miss that.