He gave me that look—the one where he knew exactly what I was thinking—and then glanced out at the snowy lake. “I was out there yesterday, and the temps are even lower today. You should be fine. Want me to go with you?”
I shook my head. “No, I’d like to go alone. I think I’m ready.”
He simply nodded and then gave me the space I needed.
Methodically, I laced my boots, zipped my coat, and grabbed my hat and gloves on the way out. The air was brisk, the snow the light, shimmery kind that looked like freshly falling glitter as I crossed the lake.
I made my way up over the island to the center, where Colt and Ryan waited.
I’d never been here alone, never felt like I was ready, like I was strong enough. Maybe I still wasn’t, but I was tired of waiting to feel like it. Maybe feeling strong enough came from being strong so often that it was the default.
Words deserted me as I knelt before Colt’s stone, uncaring that the snow immediately melted through my jeans. There were so many things I needed to say to him, but none of them would leave my lips. So I stopped trying and simply bowed my head, letting the tears from my eyes take the words from my heart straight to him.
Finally, my throat produced a sound.
“I would have fought for you. I would have torn down the very stars, Colt. You are loved, not in past tense, but now, every second of every day, and that will never change. I see pieces of you in your sister, little glimpses of your soul shining out from hers. She carries you with her the same way we all do. I miss you so much that some days it feels like I can’t carry it all, but then I see her and somehow make it through. You taught me how to do that, you know. When your sister was sick, and it felt like too much, like I couldn’t be enough to pull her through, I’d look at you and realize that I had to be, because no matter what happened with your sister, it would always be you and me, kid. You taught me how to pick myself up and take the first step. I just never realized how badly I’d need the lesson. But I’m doing it. For you, and Maisie, and your dad. We should have told you about him sooner…should have done a lot of things, really.”
I lifted my face to the sky and let the snow fall on my skin. My tears blended with the melting snow until the two were one, and my eyes dried.
The air burned my lungs as I drew it deep, freezing out the heavy, tear-clogged feeling I carried with me like a badge of survival.
Needing the break, I walked the few feet over to Ryan’s grave.
“I never said thank you,” I told him, brushing snow off the top of the stone. “For Beckett, I mean. I don’t know how you knew, but you did. And I know you told me the letters were for him, and you told him the letters were for me, but you knew how badly we needed each other. You saved me through Beckett, Ry. You saved Maisie. I found a ring while I was unpacking in our bedroom. He hasn’t asked yet, and I’m hoping he waits a while, but I know he’s my forever, and I only have him because of you. So thank you for Beckett, and for your letter that brought him home to me. Now, kiss my boy, would you?” I pressed a kiss to my fingers and put it over his name. “He’s only on loan, so be careful with him.”
Then I walked back to Colt’s grave.
“I love you, and I miss you,” I told him. “There’s nothing truer that I could tell you. And I wish I had been with you, but I’m so glad you had your dad, and now you have your Uncle Ryan. You were my greatest gift, Colt. And as much as I hate every day that you’re gone, I’m so thankful for the days I had you. Thank you for being mine.” Then I pressed a kiss to the same fingers and let them trail across his name, all twenty-one letters of it.
COLTON MACKENZIE-GENTRY
The walk back across the lake was quiet in a profoundly peaceful way. I’d done it. I’d found the strength to put one foot in front of the other and get there. And I’d continue to do so in every way, because I was strong enough.
A lot of that was due to the man standing at the edge of the lake, waiting for me to come home to him.
“You okay?” Beckett asked, wrapping me in his arms.
“Yeah. I think I will be, at least.”
He brushed my cheeks with his glove-covered hands. “Yeah, you will be.”
“Do you ever think about fate?”
His brow puckered. “You mean the way we lost Colt?”
“Yes. No. Kind of. I’ve been so angry with God for taking Ryan, then Colt when we’d just gotten Maisie in the clear, for taking him at all.”
“Me, too.”
“But then I was looking out at the lake, and I had this thought. Maybe he was always supposed to go. Maybe they both were. If Ryan hadn’t died, maybe you would have come to visit, but you wouldn’t have stayed. It wasn’t in your nature back then.”
Beckett didn’t speak, simply gave me a small nod and waited for me to continue.
“But he did die. And you came. And you saved Maisie with the treatments, and you saved Colt’s heart by being here when I couldn’t. You made his every wish come true, and you taught him such incredible things. Because of you, he wasn’t lonely. Because of you, he was doubly loved. I’m realizing that fate would have taken him whether or not you’d been here. Whether or not Ryan had lived, or Maisie had died. But without you, he would have been alone. No one else could have found him, could have given him the peace you did. Without you, I would have buried both of my children.”
His mouth pressed into a line as he struggled to maintain control. “I couldn’t save him. I would have given my own life if it meant he could be here with you. I’ve saved every child since…” He swallowed and looked away.
“With every call, you’re trying to repent for a sin you didn’t knowingly commit. I see your face every time you find a child.”
“But I couldn’t save yours. Couldn’t save my own. How can you forgive me for that?”
“Because there’s nothing to forgive.”
The girls laughed as they ran through the snow, heading toward the tree house.
“You think?”
I took one look at Emma, her smile bright as she helped Maisie up the ladder.
“I know.” Warmth raced through my chest. “Maybe you couldn’t save the little boy who was always meant to go, but you saved her by teaching Colt.” I motioned toward Emma.
Beckett’s jaw flexed. “Fate, you think?”
“Fate,” I answered. “And maybe it’s not true for everyone, but it can be my truth. That’s enough for me.”
He pressed his chilled lips to my forehead. “I love you. I will always love you.”
I rose on my toes and pressed my lips to his in a gentle kiss. “I love you. Now, forever. All of it.”
Yes, I was capable of immense grief, but I was also capable of infinite love. And I would love my life again. Maybe not today, but one day. Because I wasn’t done yet.
Life was short. Colt taught me that.
Life was worth fighting for. Maisie taught me that.
Letters could change your life. Ryan taught me that.
Love—when it was right—was enough to save you. Beckett taught me that every single day. And ours was more than enough.
And so was I.
Epilogue
Maisie
I dropped a bag of M&M’s on the grass and tore open mine.
“Guess what?” I asked my brother. “Not going to ask? Fine, be like that. It’s like you’re going all teenager a few months early or something. It’s been five years. You know what that means?”
I popped an M&M into my mouth and chewed.
“It means I’m still cancer-free. It means my risk of relapse is like…nothing. It means we win. But it means it’s going to be a while until I see you. Remember when we made that deal? The night I got so sick? The one where you said if I died, you’d die, too, so we’d never be alone?”