I ran my fingers over the rough top of the gravestone for a few minutes, familiarizing myself with the feel of the rock and glittery surface. I walked to the front of the plot and began carefully removing the sticks and leaves that had cluttered up the space.
I walked the length of the plot and then back to the end. I stood several feet from the stone and tried to force myself to be comfortable here. I struggled to find Grady in this place, to feel him close to me again.
But he wasn’t here.
He had departed from this earth more than a year ago and there was nothing I could do to bring him back.
He was gone forever.
I could accept that now.
I finally settled on sitting down. I tucked my long pea coat underneath me and leaned against the headstone. My legs stretched out in front of me and I picked up a rust-colored leaf to shred to pieces.
“I met someone,” I began softly. I had a lot to say, but I was in no hurry to get it out. “Well, really, he met me. He lives next door. You know, in that house that took forever to sell? He moved in about six months after you left. His name is Ben.” I stopped talking and listened for a response, some sign that Grady could hear me. The wind blew, the leaves skittered along the pavement, the sun shone brightly in the sky, but Grady did not answer me.
I went on, “I think I annoyed him at first. I was out of my mind for a long time, Grady. I couldn’t keep it together. I was a walking catastrophe. One disaster after the next. Ben… Ben stepped in and cleaned up my messes. He made life easier for me. He became someone I could count on first. And then he became my friend. And from there… I’m still not sure when it happened or how it happened, but we seem to have fallen in love.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen. In fact, I fought it for a long time. And I think he did too. It’s not exactly easy to fall in love with a woman that has four kids. That’s your fault by the way. All those kids… just the way you wanted it. Besides that, I can be difficult. You knew that better than anyone. So, I don’t know what we were thinking. Or if we were thinking. I think it happened so subtly that neither of us knew to stop it.
“You were like fireworks. That’s how I think of falling in love with you. One beautiful explosion after another. The first time you kissed me. The first time you made love to me. The first time you told me you loved me. When you asked me to marry you. Our wedding day. As I watched you become a father and then a great father. Every step we took together felt monumental. I fell for you hard and just kept falling.” I paused to wipe away heavy tears. “God, I miss you.”
It took me several more minutes before I could continue, “Ben didn’t happen like that. There were no fireworks or epic moments. It was just us, lost and wandering. It was like we were taking this journey, both of us, but separately. Until one day we started taking this journey together. Neither of us knew where we were going at first. Not until we met each other and started walking together. Then all of a sudden I knew I had a destination again, I had a compass. Our love happened as the miles passed and we felt a little less lost. It happened as the road became clearer and less lonely. He came in like a sigh, a soft breath of hope. He happened to me through tears and grief and missing you so much my body hurt. My heart hurt.
“But now I hurt for a different reason. I told him to leave and he listened. Grady, I love you. I don’t think I will ever stop loving you. I can’t. You’re too much a part of who I am. But somehow I love him too. And I don’t think I can live without him.
“I had to give you up. Against my will. But I don’t have to give up Ben. Not if I don’t want to. If you wouldn’t have died, I don’t think I would have ever gotten to know Ben. I think he would have stayed a neighbor, nothing but a passing acquaintance. I think he would have found someone else to love. And you and I would have lived out our happily ever after.
“But you did die. And Ben and I did get to know each other. Grady, you are the love of my life. That will never change. Except that because of Ben, my life doesn’t have to end. Maybe he’s the love of my second chance.
“You can’t tell me how you feel, but I think I already know what you would say. And I’m going to tell you how I feel whether you can hear me or not. You’re the one that made me promise to not let my light die out. Did you know this would happen? Did you expect me to meet another man? Or did you just know that your death would hit this hard? For a long time, I didn’t think I could do this without you. Now I know I can do this because of you.
“I’m going to try it again with Ben. I’m going to see where this goes with him. I don’t imagine that it will be easy. I’m still a pretty big mess. I still feel a little lost. I still miss you. I still love you. But Ben makes all that easier. He forces me to live life again and makes me smile. He fills in all of the cracks you made when you left me. I love you, Grady. I always will. Just please… please forgive me for not loving only you.”
“Oh, Liz!”
I jerked, so surprised to see someone standing over me. I blinked through my tears and up at the sun to see Katherine sobbing. Her shoulders shook with the force of her tears.
I didn’t know how I hadn’t noticed her before, but I was more than a little embarrassed that she might have heard my speech to her son.
Before I could get up, she collapsed next to me and clasped me in a tight hug. Her crying continued, deep and soul-crushing. I held her back, refusing to let her go through this alone.
Finally, after a couple more minutes, she pulled back so she could look me in the eyes. Her gray bob whipped around her wet face and the front strands stuck to her cheeks. Her makeup had run and her soggy tissue was now useless.
“He forgives you, Liz,” she cried to me. “Oh, Honey, he forgives you. He would never hold this over you or feel less for you because of Ben.”