“No, I’m sorry,” I told him. “I didn’t hear you walk up.”
“That much is obvious.” He chuckled a deep baritone sound that forced a smile from me.
I glanced over my shoulder and counted my children quickly before turning back to him. He stood there staring at me. So in turn, I stared back. I didn’t know what to say or why he’d made the trek across the property line.
After a few more moments, I felt too awkward to let the silence continue. “Beautiful day!” I wanted to smack my hand over my face. Was there anything more cliché than breaking the ice with weather?
“It is,” he agreed. He wore that arrogant smile he couldn’t seem to get rid of. I didn’t like that smile. And because of that, it made it hard to like him. It was just too cocky, too mischievous. I felt like he knew this great big secret about me that I didn’t even know. “You’re mowing.”
It was a statement not a question and so obvious I couldn’t figure out why he bothered to speak it. “I am,” I conceded. I looked back at my progress and cringed. I was mowing, but not well.
“Looks, er, good.” Ben cleared his throat.
I narrowed my eyes on him. “You don’t have to lie. I’m a big girl.”
He ran a hand through his dark hair and grinned at me. “It’s terrible. I’ve never seen someone mow like this before. Is it your first time?”
“No! It is not my first time. I’ve been mowing all fall.”
“I think you should give it up. Hire someone. You’re devaluing my property and I just moved in.”
I laughed before I could stop myself. I couldn’t get over his nerve! Obviously, I was new at this. Obviously, my husband just died so maybe he should give me a break. My insides churned with a confusing mixture of resentment and humor. I was too shocked to be truly angry with him.
“I did hire someone over the summer,” I defended myself, “But he went off to college and left me in the lurch. Selfish bastard.”
It was Ben’s turn to look shocked. That quickly turned into a bark of laughter. “What an insensitive moron.”
“Thank you!” I glanced back at the kids. Blake had organized them into teams, boys against girls. The girls were winning because he had to keep chasing after Jace.
“They’re all there,” Ben assured me. I turned my attention back to him. “Four, right?”
“Yep. Four.”
“They look like good ones.”
I took a step back, surprised by the compliment. “Thank you. They are for the most part.”
“You should let me take over.”
“What?”
“The mowing.” Ben laughed again. “You should let me take over the mowing.”
“Oh!” I fidgeted in front of him. Usually, I would be running from the awkwardness of this conversation, but there was a lightness about Ben that kept me from feeling too self-conscious. I enjoyed that he didn’t taken anything seriously. For the first time in weeks, I didn’t want to banish all other humans from my life forever. “No, that’s alright. I don’t mind doing it, even if I’m not very good at it.”
He stepped up to the mower and gripped the handle. “I don’t mind either. And I’m actually good at it. Go enjoy your kids.”
“Ben, seriously, that’s really nice of you, but I can handle it.” I stepped up to the mower too and grasped the handle in a show of authority and intent.
“Liz, I know you can handle it. That was never in question. Now go enjoy this beautiful day with your beautiful kids.” He bent down and like a pro, started the engine.
It had taken me twenty minutes just to get this stupid thing running earlier!
Then he put his hand over mine and removed it from the handle. “Go,” he smiled at me.
I stumbled back a step and then did as he asked or rather commanded. I walked over to my kids and Blake passed me the ball as if he already knew I would play. The lawnmower growled in the background, creating a roaring soundtrack to our game.
I took a shot and laughed with my kids when the ball flew over the backboard and rolled into our other neighbor’s yard, the Kents. Blake and Abby raced after it, while Jace hung on my leg and Lucy skipped around in a circle.
I took a deep breath and enjoyed the moment.
When was the last time I’d done this?
When was the last time I’d just let go of all of my grief, my pain, and my stress and just enjoyed being with my children?
I was ashamed to admit, I couldn’t remember. Even before Grady died, he’d been sick. I had been coiled tight for as long as I could remember. My lungs felt coated with rust and disuse as I tried to let go of the nagging feeling that I should be doing something else, that I should be working in some way.
It took several minutes of mental struggle before I could fully relax into this time with the kids. Even they seemed a little baffled that I had stopped what I was doing to play with them.
As soon as the grief ebbed away, guilt filled in the space. If it wasn’t one thing, it was the other. I couldn’t seem to find normal. Or balance. Or center. I was a battered ship in the middle of a perfect storm. I rocked one way, only to be flipped around and tossed in the other direction.
The basketball game resumed and the children’s laughter and smiling faces helped ease the guilt eventually. I hadn’t been good at this recently, but it wasn’t too late. I could start trying to do this more often.
I was the only parent these kids had now, would ever have now. If I didn’t do this right, they would never forgive me.
I would never forgive myself.
“Mom, who’s that guy mowing our yard?” Blake held the basketball propped against his hip. I smiled at the way he watched Ben. It was hard to believe that my Blake was the man of the house now. At eight years old, he was hardly a grownup, but he took his role very seriously.
I ruffled his hair and pulled him against me. Man of the house or not, he was still young enough to wrap his arms around my waist and not push me away.
“That’s our new neighbor. His name is Ben.”