. Toys,’ she said to Ash, who stopped screaming for a second, then shook his head and started again. ‘Well, we have toys.’
And, holding him to her as if he were a much younger child, and in direct contravention of about forty health and safety regulations, she took him inside, Ibrahim glancing sullenly at Saif before reluctantly trailing after her. Saif stood and stared in amazement that it had been, in the end, easier than he’d been expecting.
Flora awoke to an empty bed and a knock on the door. She blinked as it all came rushing back, and sat up. Jesus. What time was it? Where was he?
Where was he?
There was another knock on the door, and she jumped, startled. As she looked around, Joel appeared at the French windows that led to the garden, thin as a wraith, frightening her even more. He passed through the room without looking at her and opened the door to Saif.
‘Excuse me!’ said Flora, pulling up the covers.
She was horrified. Saif looked equally disconcerted. ‘Ah,’ he said. Flora rolled her eyes.
‘Sorry,’ said Joel.
‘Shall I come back?’
‘No, it’s …’ started Joel.
‘Actually, could you give us five minutes?’ said Flora. ‘You can get a coffee at the lodge?’
Saif nodded and beat a hasty retreat. Flora felt her heart in her mouth as Joel turned round.
‘Um.’ She cleared her throat. ‘Hello.’
‘Hey,’ he said.
‘How are you feeling this morning?’
‘A hell of a lot better than I felt last night.’
She yawned and got out of bed and went towards him. ‘What happened?’
Joel shrugged. ‘I spoke to Mark. He says stress and panic attacks. Brought on from overwork.’
‘Is that all?’ She looked up at him.
‘He doesn’t think so.’
‘And what do you think?’
‘I think you look absolutely ravishing and we should tell Saif to stay away for a bit …’
Flora shook her head. ‘That doesn’t solve things.’
‘It solves some …’
‘JOEL!’ shouted Flora. ‘This is not the way! You were blind drunk and falling apart. Why? Okay,’ she said. ‘I think I’m going to have to hand this over to Saif and Mark. I’m here for you, Joel. But I’m not helping you. I’m not making you better. I’m making you exactly the same. I hoped … I hoped I’d be able to help, to do something for you. To be with you. But I can’t.’
Joel stared, gutted, helpless, unable to move.
‘I am here for you. But I am not doing you any good, Joel. And you are not doing me any good either. All I think about is you, and it’s torpedoing my business and torpedoing my life and I can’t … I can’t do this to myself either …’
She found herself choking up.
‘I’ll be at the farmhouse. But I am here for you whenever you want me. Not for sex. Not just for sex. I am here when you are ready to be here with me. If you want me. Not Mure, not a home, not an island, not some dream of a sea creature. Me. Just me.’
‘Flora, this is ridiculous. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.’
‘One doctor is standing outside this door with heavy medication and another doctor is waiting for you in the lodge,’ said Flora. ‘That is nobody’s definition of fine. If it wasn’t for Colton, you could have woken up this morning in a damn hospital.’
‘If it wasn’t for Colton, I wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.’
‘He didn’t make you work with a gun to your head.’
‘He might as well have done.’
Flora walked up to him and gently stroked his face. ‘I love you,’ she said, quietly. She had never said this before, not to him, and she wasn’t sure if she’d ever get a chance to say it again. She needed to know that she’d done it. Even if nothing happened from now on. Even if this really was it.
There it was. It hung in the air. The very last card she had to play.
He looked at her, stricken, unable to answer, his head desperately trying to make sense of the situation. She couldn’t love him just because she felt sorry for him; he couldn’t bear it. ‘It’s … This is just a misunderstanding,’ he said.
There was a very long silence after that.
‘It is,’ said Flora. ‘It is, Joel. And the person who has misunderstood it is you.’
And she kissed him and turned to go. She picked her top up off the pillows where she’d left it the night before.
The pillow under her hand was soaking wet. Someone had been crying into it. She turned around and walked away, a pale ghost down the paths of the beautiful gardens of the Rock.
Chapter Forty-two
Saif came back in again, having taken the opportunity to call the school and check on the boys, but Lorna had had her hands full and hadn’t answered, so he was full of trepidation.
He blinked again at Joel being up and about. It wasn’t at all what he’d been expecting. He hadn’t had much experience in mental health issues, and not as much time as he’d have liked that morning to catch up on the reading, but he wasn’t expecting someone greeting him courteously and asking if he’d like more coffee. He focused on Joel’s right hand. It was trembling, even as he put his other hand on it to try and make it stop.
‘Do you know where you are?’ said Saif gently.
‘Does anyone?’ said Joel, then shook his head. ‘I’m fine. Sorry. I got very overstressed and … combusted. It was good of Colton to fly me home.’
‘Now there are several options suggested in this case … I think we should start you off on benzodiazepine and see how you react to that …’
Joel held up his hands. ‘Wait … wait. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with me. I had a bad night, that’s all. Overworked.’
‘That’s right,’ said Saif. ‘You were also dehydrated and you’re underweight. This doesn’t seem to be a new issue for you.’
‘I’m fine.’
Saif blinked. Usually he was trying to keep people off antidepressants. This wasn’t one of those cases.
‘Joel, there is no shame in asking for help if you need it. It’s just an illness.’
‘It’s not,’ said Joel. ‘It’s a natural response to an intolerable situation. Dammit.’ He looked around the room. ‘What else would you recommend if you weren’t prescribing?’
Saif shrugged. ‘Rest. A good diet. Peace and quiet. Gentle exercise.’
‘Well, I’ll get peace and quiet,’ said Joel. ‘Nobody’s speaking to me.’
Saif nodded.
‘And the food here is pretty good. If I can get my hands on some.’
‘And you need to keep talking,’ said Saif. ‘Find someone to talk to.’
‘Oh God,’ said Joel.
There was another knock at the door. It was Mark.
‘Jesus Christ, man, this place is stone-cold awesome,’ he said. ‘Have you even drunk the water? It doesn’t taste like any water you’ve ever tasted. I don’t think it is water. It’s like drinking cold light. And that air! It’s like you get a detox just by walking about! Right. Let’s get you sorted out.’
He shook Saif’s hand. ‘Did you get him to take anything?’
Saif shook his head.
‘Me neither.’ Mark rolled his eyes. ‘Ornery bastard. Thanks for trying, Doc. And you and I,’ he went on, pointing to Joel, ‘we have work to do. Like, a lot.’
‘Good luck,’ said Saif, and slipped out. He hadn’t even started morning surgery yet, and he had the boys to pick up later. This was turning into a very challenging day.