nce the children were fed and sleeping, John William and Gloria sat next to the dying embers of their fire. The moon was full and casting shadows. Though it was late, neither made a motion to bed down for the night. The silence was a comfortable one, though charged with questions. John William poked at the fire, causing a sputter of spark and new flame. Gloria tucked her skirts closer and spoke into the night.
“What happened in there?” Gloria asked.
“I could ask you the same thing,'1 John William said, tossing his branch into the fire.
“But you didn't. Tell me.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Those men, they knew you. They recognized your name. How?”
John William looked at his hands, clenching and unclenching his fists until finally bringing them together, one fist cupped in the long fingers of the other hand. When he finally spoke, he spoke to his hands.
“I used to be a boxer. A few years ago. Used to go to different towns. Different camps. I had a manager who set it all up. Brought the men in, charged a fee, took bets.”
The blue light of the moon mixed with the sporadic light of the fire, and Gloria took the opportunity to study his features. The tiny little imperfections took on new meaning. When John William glanced up, catching her eye, she felt as if she'd been caught sifting through his life. She waited for him to look away, to look ashamed, but instead he smiled.
“Not very pretty, eh?” he said.
He brought his hand up to rake back his hair and turned a profile to Gloria. She had never seen his ears, had always wondered why he wore his hair so long. Both ears—but the left one especially—looked like lumps of flattened biscuit dough.
“That's why, sometimes,” he said, letting his hair fall back to cover his disfigurement, “I don't hear so good.”
“So, did you win?”
“You saw me,” John William said, turning inside himself again. “I won. I always won.”
“So why did you stop?”
“Sometimes, you can hit a man too hard.”
“How hard?”
“I was in Boston. Guy there had a whole setup. We were fightin’ in a ring. The take at the door was nearly five hundred dollars—hundred of that went to the winner.1 think I cared more about that money than anythin'. It's like everythin’ else just.
“Disappeared?”
John William looked at her, and understanding fueled the fire between them.
“Exactly I didn't hear anythin'. Didn't really feel anythin'. I know my opponent was landin’ punches, but I didn't feel them. It's like I was…”
“Numb,” they said in unison.
“He was a little guy. Not like this one tonight, but shorter than me. We were an even match in strength, but his face was just the right level. I didn't have to reach up, you know, to land a punch.”
Gloria looked at him, more than six feet of man bent to sit beside a fire, and wondered how any man could match his strength and size.
“So I just kept hittin'. Kept landin’ punches. I heard people cheerin', screamin'. His face was all broken, all bloody It was like poundin’ meat. Bits and pieces of it got stuck between my fingers. Then there was one last hit. I felt that one, but I don't think he did.
He just sort of stared at me and fell down. I think he was dead before he hit the ground.”
There was silence then, nothing but the crackling of the fire, spitting sparks. Gloria's eyes never left John William, but he didn't face her. His head drooped and he bounced it, lightly, on his gripped hands. She noticed his knuckles, swollen and bruised. Never in her life had Gloria felt any desire to touch a man. Now it was all she could do not to reach out to John William, to comfort him. She remained silent, waiting for him to invite her voice.
“I thought for sure that would be the end of my boxin',” he continued, “but it wasn't. If anythin', it brought in bigger crowds. Bigger fights. I got a manager who started takin’ me all over the country, callin’ me The Killer.'” He gave a short, bitter laugh. “Sometimes I was takin’ in more than five hundred dollars a night—”
“Now there's something we have in common.”
Gloria was rewarded with a slight smile before John William resumed.
“And I was beginnin’ to feel like the most powerful man in the world. Then, one night I was in a saloon, just like this one tonight. Was drinkin’ every round, and some guy comes up to me and says, ‘Hey Killer, wanna take a shot at me?’ I tried to back off, but he just kept pushin’ and pushin'. He took a swing at me, and I let it pass. Then he took another, and I let it pass.”
Scenes from earlier this evening played in Gloria's mind as John William supplied the details of that night. The jeering crowd, the shouted taunts.
“Then I hit him.” He looked up. “And I killed him.”
“Oh, John,” she whispered.
“And I went to jail.”
“But it was an accident, wasn't it?”
“I don't know,” he said, and once that sank in he added, “neither did the sheriff. He locked me up long enough to wait for the circuit judge to come for a hearin'.”
Gloria knew the stigma and the stench of prison. She'd spent months at a time in crowded, dank cells. She couldn't understand why now, at this point in the story, John William's face beamed.
“It's where I met Katherine,” he said.
“Oh?” Gloria said, smirking. “What was she in for?”
John William chuckled. “Well, she wasn't exactly in prison. It was just over in South Pass—”
“I passed through there.”
“And the jail there, the courthouse in front, they use it as a school when there's no court in session. Katherine was a teacher.”
“So she was a genius, too?” Gloria said.
“I don't know about genius, but she was a fine teacher. Mornings, just after the children got settled down, she would read a chapter of the Bible to them. I heard some of it growin’ up— Irish Catholic, you know—but it never meant anythin’ to me until I was sittin', trapped in prison.”
“Was it the same that you read to me?” Gloria asked.
“Some of it. But I remember one day, she'd been readin’ about Jesus and His trial, His death. What they did to Him…they beat Him,” he explained. “Whipped him. Katherine told the children about the scourge—strips of leather with bits of stone and glass to cut the skin. She told them about nailin’ a man to a cross. The wounds and the blood and the pain.”
Gloria shuddered.
“And I thought about myself there in prison. Comfortable, warm. Fed. And this was after killin’ a man with my bare hands.”
Gloria listened hard, but the life and death of Jesus was little more than the subject of ranting street preachers and weeping women. Still, she shied away from appearing even more ignorant to John William. But he must have sensed her confusion because he paused, took both of her hands in his, and spoke slowly, clearly directly
“Don't you see? Jesus went through all of that for me. To save my life.”
“Your life?”
“Yeah, my life.” John William still held her hands. He moved his grip to encircle her wrists and turned her hands so that the palms faced up. “We think our lives are in our hands,” he said, “that we're in control of even-thin'. But we're not. God is. And someday we'll have to answer to Him lor every sin. Every wrong.” His grip tightened. “You need to know that.”
Gloria just looked down at his fingers overlapping as they grasped her wrists. His last words were punctuated with little tugs, but something tugged inside her. too, telling her to listen, to understand.
“I spent months sittin’ there, regrettin’ every punch I ever threw. Wishin’ 1 could take back every fight, every drop of blood, and it hit me. It didn't matter if the world called me a killer. It mattered if God called me a killer. And while I could never take back all the wrong that I did, I knew that God would forgive me for all of it. If I just asked Him to.”
“But that wouldn't change anything.”
“Oh, but it does,” John William said. “It changes everythin'. I killed two men, sent them to their maker, and I started to wonder about what would happen if I was sent to my maker. I thought, what if I hang and die and have to tell God what I did? I wondered how I would tell Him that I was sorry and wished I could take it all back.”
Slowly, John William had been drawing Gloria closer to him. Their eyes were locked as tightly as their fingers when John William broke his gaze away and bowed his head, resting it on their joined hands. She sensed that his lips were moving, but she heard nothing, not even a whisper. Something in her wanted to prompt him, to urge him on, but something else told her to be still and silent and wait for his next words. Before they came, he raised his head, released her hands, and drew away
“I was scared to death of dyin',” he said. “Every day, Katherine had the children say a Bible verse. That day it was John 3:16.”
Gloria looked at him, blankly
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.'”
Gloria tried to wrap her mind around the words, but their meaning remained distant, blurred. She sensed John William's reverence for it, though, and gave a tiny nod of understanding.
“Jesus died so that I could live. Forever, in heaven,” John William said. “And if I didn't believe that, then His death was for nothing. 1 was already responsible for two meaningless deaths.”
“So, you believed.”
“I believed. And I prayed. I asked God to forgive me, and He did. That minute I knew my life was saved. That I had changed.”
“Changed? How?”
“First, I promised I would never fight again. I asked Katherine if she would leave me her Bible to read in the evenings after school. I read every word of it, and by then it didn't matter if I would spend my life in jail or hang. I knew my soul was safe and my body was in God's hands.”
“But you didn't hang.”
“No. The judge ruled it an accident. Said I wasn't a murderer. When 1 was released, 1 knew that the best way to keep the Bible was to marry the woman who owned it.”
“How romantic,” Gloria said, smiling.
“It just shows how God puts us where He needs us to be. 1 don't know if God led me to Katherine or Katherine led me to God, but right now I'm wonderin’ the same about you.”
“Don't worry trying to figure that out,” Gloria said. “God doesn't lead me anywhere. Never has.”
“You can't believe that.”
“Yes, I do. I've been in places a lot worse than a schoolhouse, places no God would ever take anyone.”
“He would if it brought you here, to this moment.”
“This is one moment,” Gloria said. “It's not a lifetime.”
She looked at the fire, now down to mere embers. At some point the evening had become quite chilly
“I'm tired,” she said, standing and stretching. “You must be, too.”
He stood with her. “Gloria, you have to—”
“I wish I could believe all of this/'
“I wish you could, too.”
“And it doesn't bother me to know.”
“Know what?”
“About the killing. The prison.”
“I didn't tell you as a confession,” John William said. “I just wanted you to know the truth.”
“It doesn't change anything.”
“It should.” He crossed behind her to reach into the wagon and pull out his bedroll. He shook it out and laid it down a safe distance from the dying fire.
Gloria sat on the wagon's back step, unlaced her boots and let them drop to the ground. “Well, good night,” she said before climbing into the wagon to the nest of blankets in the back. She thought she heard his quiet “night” behind her, but didn't turn to acknowledge it.
She lay there, looking at the canvas above her, imagining the stars above that. John William's words echoed in her head. So many words. He'd never talked so much at any one time. She tried to piece them all together, but they wouldn't form. She tried to remember his face, his mouth in speech, but she only saw his eyes, piercing, sincere. Pleading with her to listen, to hear. Bits and strands came back. A life taken. A life saved. For God so loved…what? The world? Believe. Forgiven. A promise.
A promise.
Gloria sat up and turned her body, careful not to jostle the sleeping Kate and Danny, worming her way to the opening at the back of the wagon. She peered out and saw him lying on his back, hands folded behind his head.
“MacGregan?” Gloria whispered to the darkness.
“Gloria,” his voice floated back.
“I'm sorry”
“For what?” His form shifted, and she imagined he was turning toward her.
“You were in a fight.”
“I know.”
“I made you break your promise.”
She thought she heard him smile.
“You didn't make me do anythin',” he said, his voice full of warmth.
“But you were protecting me.”
“No, if I was protectin’ you, he wouldn't have had a chance to talk to you in the first place.”
“Well, thank you anyway”
“You're welcome.”
“MacGregan? Are you still…”
“Still…”
“Still…safe?”
“What do you mean?” He was sitting straight up now
“You promised God you wouldn't fight again, but you fought tonight.”
“Don't worry” John William stood up and walked over to Gloria, his features getting clearer with each step. “It's like I'm God's child. He won't abandon me.”
“My father abandoned me,” Gloria said.
“I know, and I'm sorry. But God won't.”
“I'm going to leave Danny”
“You haven't yet.”
“But—”
“Listen to me,” John William said, his voice close and serious. “My life is secure not because I made a promise to God but because He made a promise to me. Do you understand the difference?”
“It doesn't matter.”
“Of course it matters.”
“Not to me.”
“Maybe not to you, but to God. And to me. Now let's get some sleep. It's late. The babies'll be up in a few hours.”
He dropped the canvas flap leaving Gloria in her cocoon. She lay back again, resuming her study of the canvas and her vision of the stars. Once again she tried to recall the conversation.
Nobody had ever cared about what she believed. Nobody had ever given her anything to believe in. But now everything was different.
Jewell's warning about John William, the danger, his secret— tonight everything was clear and defined. If nothing else, she could believe in him. She had never considered the value of a man's knowing God, but tonight she saw that it made him different. Made him better, kinder, steadier. John William would never let himself be like all those others. This was a man who could make a promise and keep it.
Until he met her.