My hands tightened on the wheel as I guided my SUV onto Aspen Street. Everything looked remarkably the same. The slight Old West feel still clung to the buildings and antique lampposts. Many of the institution spots like The Cowboy Inn and Wolf Gap Bar & Grill were still here, just with a fresh coat of paint.
But while it looked as if there were some new restaurants and shops, as well, I knew hoping for a spot to order my favorite Thai dishes might be too much to ask. There was no question that coming back to eastern Oregon meant I’d be giving up some things.
My older sister, Jacey, thought I was crazy. Sure, that I’d step back into town limits and get sucked back into all the drama that surrounded our family. I understood her fear. Especially since she’d been more mother to me than a sister, taking custody of me after my father went to jail, and I’d begged my mom to let me leave this place.
All that determination to break free, and here I was, a decade and a half later, coming right back to where I started. My pulse picked up speed as I drove past Spruce Street and caught sight of the sheriff’s station. I knew Sheriff Hearst had to be far into retirement, but I wished I’d have at least one friendly face to count on.
It didn’t take long for me to pass through downtown. No more than twenty of those brave breaths I’d come to rely on. I’d need them now more than ever.
I thought about stopping at the hardware and grocery stores but knew I needed to get the lay of the land first. I’d called the water and power companies and had them check the lines to our old property, making sure things were still in working order. After a few repairs, they assured me that all was good on their end.
That meant the rest was up to me. The letter from my mother burned a hole in my pocket, but I hadn’t been able to simply keep it in my purse. It was as if the words inside could give me the final kick I needed to finish my task.
I hadn’t been crazy enough to think that Jacey would help. She had two children and a husband who had a solid job in Seattle. They’d given me more than I’d ever expected. A safe and stable home. One where I was free to go to school and didn’t have to fear being woken up in the middle of the night to practice for a raid. They’d made sure I knew that I was loved and cared for. But I wasn’t theirs.
As soon as Jacey became pregnant, I’d started to feel like an interloper. They were building their family, but they were still stuck caring for me. I’d tried to be helpful. Cooking and cleaning. Babysitting when they needed a break. But I always felt like a guest. Like I never truly fit. It was as if I didn’t quite belong anywhere. It was part of the reason I was back. To see if I could finally lay it all to rest and find my place in the world again.
The main road turned into a two-lane highway, and within a few minutes, I was looking for my turnoff. Street signs on these kinds of roads weren’t exactly common, and I was sure the landmarks I’d known as a child had changed. I almost missed the large boulder, the young pine tree in front of it having grown wider and taller over the years.
I braked and made a hard turn. Gravel flew as I hit my mark, but it wasn’t the hairpin turn that had my hands dampening on the wheel—it was all the memories. The countless times we’d taken this road to venture into town or to The Trading Post. The afternoons my father had made us run its steep inclines to prepare.
My SUV jostled along, exposing new potholes and old, familiar ones. The pines towered alongside the road, almost creating a tunnel. The only thing that hadn’t changed was the mountain herself. The blue planes and snow-capped peaks welcomed me with a reassurance that there was good here. I only had to look for it. The only real grounding point I’d ever known.
As I veered off my gravel path onto an even narrower road, I was glad that I’d thought to go ahead and get all-terrain tires before I left Seattle. The winters here could be vicious. There were times we hadn’t been able to get off the mountain for weeks at a time.
When I took in the final climb my SUV needed to make, I wondered if getting a snowmobile might be a good plan. I’d managed to get a job at the local vet’s office with my same vet tech title and only a slight pay dip. I imagined they’d frown on me not showing up due to snow.
I pressed on the accelerator to make it past the final rise, and as I did, the property came into view. My heart seemed to take up acrobatics in my chest, flipping and tumbling, expanding and contracting. My hands gripped the wheel harder as my foot eased off the gas.
The house itself was in worse shape than I’d expected. One of the walls had a gaping hole in it. But the small guest cabin didn’t look too worse for wear. The cottage had been in my mom’s family for generations, but the house had been my father’s construction after they married. She hadn’t stayed long after he went to prison, choosing to move us down to the flats to live on some land my uncle owned.
While the generations-old construction of the cabin had held steady, the barn and paddocks hadn’t fared nearly as well. The entire structure seemed to lean to one side, and a storm had taken down more than half of the fencing. My back hurt just looking at all the work that needed to be done.
I sighed and pulled to a stop in front of the cabin, releasing my hold on the wheel. My phone dinged, and I sent up a mental thank you to the gods of technology that it seemed I had service up here.
Shay: Are you there yet? Text me the second you arrive.
I smiled down at my phone, feeling a little less alone, knowing that I had someone who would drop anything to have my back.
Me: Just pulled up outside. Cabin looks okay. The house and barn are a disaster.
Shay: Are you sure you don’t want Brody and me to come help you get settled? We can be there in two days.
God, I was lucky to have her as a friend, but I wasn’t ready to open all the doors I’d need to if they came to stay. There were too many skeletons I didn’t want to let out into the light.
Me: Thank you, but I’ve got this. Let me get settled, and then you can come for a visit.
Shay: I don’t like that you’re there all alone.
Me: I won’t be alone for long.
Soon, I would have this place crawling with animals. It had always been my dream to build a home for neglected or abused animals of any kind. A sanctuary. It was simply coming more quickly than expected.
I turned off my SUV, rolled down the windows, and the pine air swept in. It was different than any other type, the Ponderosa pines. And as it filled me, tears sprang to my eyes. I’d missed this, more than I’d realized.
I leaned back in my seat and pulled out my letter.
Dearest Everly,