WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12
We were just finishing our warm-up exercises in gym class when we heard a bizarre scream coming from the hall. “KIYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”
Then this old guy with a potbelly charged through the doors! He was wearing a gaudy silver gi, and doing every corny Power Rangers fighting move he could think of!
He also has an overgrown, bushy mustache, but the biggest fail of all is his hair! It looks like he had it cut with a weed whacker while blindfolded.
WHAT was he thinking?! That hairstyle is so UGLY it has to be ILLEGAL in most states!!
After a minute of hollering, kicking, and flailing his arms like a crazy person, he was hoarse, out of breath, and completely worn out.
This dude took AWKWARD to a whole new level! Yet for some strange reason, I couldn’t look away!
He coughed until he caught his breath. Then he dabbed his sweaty forehead with a silver hanky.
“Whew!” he panted. “Gimme . . . a second . . . !”
The entire class looked worried and alarmed. But it wasn’t because our instructor appeared to be having a major heart attack right before our eyes. We knew it was going to be a LOOOONG month!
“Ha! I’m not winded! I was just . . . um . . . testing you! And you’re just as GULLIBLE as I predicted!” he announced. “Let me introduce myself. I’m Rodney ‘The Hawk’ Hawkins, master of Hawk’s High-Kick Karate School!”
He flexed his arms and showed off the hawk image on the back of his gi.
“As my students, you may address me as Sensei Hawkins, Fearless Leader, The King of Karate, or The Greatest Martial Artist OF ALL TIME!”
Ugh! His ego’s almost bigger than that flabby gut hanging over his black belt, I thought.
“This isn’t a gymnasium anymore, pip-squeaks, it’s my karate dojo!” he shouted. “The Hawk doesn’t tolerate weaklings in his dojo! I wanna see air punches right now! Watch me! One-two, one-two, one-two!”
He made us practice air punches until our arms almost fell off! . . .
ME, CHLOE, AND ZOEY PRACTICING OUR AIR PUNCHES
However, my major concern was the TV crew televising a close-up of my sweaty armpit stains! EWW!
“It looks like some of you are slowing down,” Sensei Hawkins yelled while sitting comfortably in a folding chair. “The Hawk doesn’t tolerate laziness! Pick up the pace, or else!” He reached into his gi shirt and pulled out a bag of Cheeze E-O’s cheese puffs.
“Is he seriously going to eat Cheeze E-O’s during class?!” I asked Chloe and Zoey.
“I know!” Zoey agreed. “How he became a licensed fitness instructor is beyond me!”
“I dunno, maybe he’s testing us again,” Chloe said.
“The only thing the Hawk is TESTING is how good those Cheeze E-O’s are!” I snarked.
He must have heard us or something, because he got up, walked over, and glared at us.
“HEY!” Chomp, chomp, chomp! “You three little pathetic princesses! More punching, less complaining!” he yelled, spitting cheesy orange specks everywhere. “The Hawk is NOT amused!”
US, COMPLETELY GROSSED OUT BY OUR CRAZY TEACHER SPITTING CHEEZE E-O’S ON US!
The only thing worse than spending an entire hour doing the same punch over and over is having to watch a sloppy karate instructor smack and snarf down more food!
After the Cheeze E-O’s, he had beef jerky.
After the beef jerky, he had three candy bars.
After the candy bars, he had two bananas.
After the bananas, he had a bag of potato chips.
And after the potato chips, he had a dozen Oreo cookies.
And after the cookies, he had . . .
Wait for it . . . !!
Wait for it . . . !!
A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER WITH BACON!!
“A burger?!” I uttered in disbelief. “This guy just pulled a BURGER out of his shirt! What is he hiding in there, a fridge or something?!”
“Who knows?” Zoey griped. “Let’s just hope he doesn’t have a jumbo-size combo meal in there! If he doesn’t run out of food soon, he’ll never dismiss this class! We could be stuck here the rest of the day.”
“You’re right, guys. This IS insane!” Chloe complained, rubbing her cramping arm. “Ouch! I am SO sore! And suddenly craving a burger!”
Luckily, Zoey (but unfortunately, not Chloe) got her wish! Sensei Hawkins savored the last crumb of his burger and wiped his dirty hands on his shirt.
“Hey! It looks like we’re out of food . . . I mean . . . time!” he yelled. “I’ll share a piece of karate wisdom with you before you go. A wise man once said, ‘The only thing to fear is fear itself. But the only thing for fear itself to fear is . . . the Hawk!’ HIYAAAAHHH!!!”
He tried to do a roundhouse kick, but HE couldn’t get his leg very high because his overstuffed belly was in the way. So his kick was more of a punt.
By the end of class, Chloe, Zoey, and I were physically and mentally TRAUMATIZED.
Is THIS what karate is supposed to be like?!! Seriously! I’m SO over this martial arts stuff!
I have a better chance of defending myself with some of the ballet leaps I learned last fall. I’m just sayin’ . . . !! !!
But on a much happier note, I was practically mobbed at lunch today by the kids at school!
The first episode of my reality show, Nikki Maxwell: The Making of a Pop Princess! aired last night at 7:30 p.m., and everyone LOVED it.
OMG! I could barely eat my hot dog in peace.
Hey, I just might need to hire a security team like a real Hollywood TV star. They’d protect me from all of my ADORING fans at school so I can go to class every day. Poor ME!!
Anyway, my recording session was rescheduled just so my family and I could watch the show together. Mom even popped a big bucket of popcorn for us to share, like it was a blockbuster movie or something.
OMG! It was SO cool to see me and my BFFs on television. I have to admit, we were hilarious! I couldn’t stop laughing! Chloe, Zoey, and I texted each other like crazy through the entire show.
My parents said they were really proud of me, and Brianna and Miss Penelope actually requested my autograph.
I can’t wait to see the next episode! Although I’m totally bummed that I’ll have to DVR it since I’ll still be at the recording studio when the show comes on.
Thank goodness MY show doesn’t have all the crazy drama, tears, screaming, backstabbing, and fighting, like all the others. I guess I’m just SUPERlucky!!
!!