Chapter Thirty-Six
OUR RIDE BACK TO THE house went a lot faster then the ride out to the meadow. The sun was getting nearer the horizon and my belly was full from the food Mack had fed me with his own hands as the ranch came into view.
My brain was going a thousand miles an hour, trying to find some kind of fall back plan for my life or something. The connection Mack and I had made today had done nothing but complicate things even more. A glimmer of temptation was keeping me from just putting my foot down and insisting he let me go. All I could see down that path was loneliness and despair, and for once I didn’t feel like I was going to be completely happy following the script I’d written so long ago.
“You’re thinking too much again,” said Mack, not even looking back.
“Shush, you have no idea what I’m thinking.”
“You’re trying to figure out if you should make me sign those damn papers or just go with the flow and see where it takes you.”
“I never go with the flow,” I said, feeling grouchy.
“You said you’d stay through the picnic so you have to stay. I already texted my mom and she’s counting on you to help.”
“Dammit, Mack, that’s playing dirty.” He was getting family members on his side, making it harder for me to leave, and he knew it.
I kicked my horse a little to get her to move up to Mack’s side. His horse flinched away a little, but stayed on the path.
“I do what I gotta do to shine, babe. That’s all I’m doing … shining not burning.”
“Screw that. You’re being sneaky and manipulating my heart and I don’t like it.”
He looked at me with all traces of humor gone. “All’s fair in love and war, and I plan on winning, no matter what.”
My nostrils flared. Time to drop the big bomb. “Bradley’s on his way out here.”
Mack did a double take. “Say that again?”
“You heard me. He’s coming out. I tried to stop him, but he wouldn’t listen.”
Mack actually grinned. “Sounds like my kind of guy.”
I shook my head. “You just don’t get it. He’s not your kind of guy and he’s going to come here and cause a big fuss. I need to be gone when he comes or it’s going to be not only ugly but embarrassing.”
“Not for me, it’s not. And it shouldn’t be for you either.” He reached over to touch me but I flinched away.
“Hands off. I’m not kidding. You’re not going to charm yourself out of this one. He’s coming, and when he realizes I’ve been sleeping with you, he’s going to make a big stink and everyone will know that we’re both cheater a*sholes.”
Mack laughed. “Cheaters? How can we possibly be cheating when we’re married?”
I growled. “Rrrrrr, you know what I mean! Don’t try to make me feel better about what I’ve done.”
Mack leaned really far over and snatched my hand, refusing to let it go. “You’ve done nothing wrong, you hear me? Love is what it is and love does what it does to survive. It’s an instinct. Technically you were cheating on me with him, but I don’t look at it that way. I know you didn’t remember, I believe you. And now you know you’re married to me and you’re sleeping with me as my wife. Nothing wrong happened. Nothing.”
I was too angry to guard my words. “It’s not love, okay? Stop calling it that.”
He dropped my hand and stared straight ahead. “Is that so.” It came out like a statement. I’d hurt him. But I couldn’t stop myself from burying the knife in deeper.
“Yeah, that’s so. It’s just lust. You’ll get tired of it soon enough, and then I’ll have to go back with my tail between my legs and beg for forgiveness from everyone.”
Mack shook his head. “Girl, you really need to get your head out of your keister if you’re ever going to find happiness in life.” He kicked his horse and surged ahead, leaving me to follow in his dust.
I think my horse was as shocked as I was. She just plodded along, as if Mack and his mount weren’t getting tinier and tinier in the distance. The house was close - I could make out its roof less than a mile away - but still … I was fuming about being left behind by the time we entered the front yard. Boog was waiting for me, a bland look on his face.
“What are you looking at?” I asked, pissed at him for being such a gossip.
“City slicker. What are you looking at?”
“A stupid wookie man-bear-pig who doesn’t know how to mind his own business.” I slid off the horse and caught myself before falling onto my butt. My legs were going to be really sore tomorrow from all the riding, along with my ass.
He laughed. “I know about wookies, but man-bear-pigs? What’s that?”
I was too frustrated to spar with him. “Go look in the mirror. I’m busy.” I clomped up the steps and left him to take care of the horse. He’d taken the reins so I assumed that’s what he was there for.
“You have to brush your horse out!” he shouted behind me.
“I’ll do it later!” I yelled back, banging the door behind me. I strode into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Maeve was there at the sink and it slowed me down considerably.
“Oh. Hi. I didn’t know you’d be here.”
Maeve looked at me over her shoulder and smiled before going back to her task. “Where else would I be?”
I went over and leaned on the nearby counter. “I don’t know, actually. What do you do here?”
“Lots of things.” She was snapping beans in the sink. “Clean. Cook. Take care of the chicken and gardens.”
“Sounds … fun.” I was totally lying.
“Actually, it’s a very simple life but I find it relaxing and enjoyable. I can finish my work in half the day and that leaves the rest of it for personal pursuits.”
“Oh yeah? Like what kind of personal pursuits?”
“Crocheting. Painting. Book club. I do lots of things on the side of my work life.”
I sighed wistfully. “All of those things are things I wish I had time for.” This time I wasn’t lying. I was a total granny at heart.
She shrugged, never hesitating in her work. “So find the time.”
“Ha. That’s funny. Have you ever worked in a law firm?”
“Can’t say as I have.”
“Well, it sucks for free time. I work from six in the morning until sometimes ten at night or even later when I’m going to trial.”
“Sounds like you don’t even have time to breathe.”
I stared out the window into the back yard. “I don’t. I haven’t had time to breathe since I was fifteen years old.” The simple sad truth of that calmed me down completely. “I don’t know why I ever thought that was something I wanted.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. First off, you were young and you were doing what you needed to do to make the most of things. And second, you’re still young. You aren’t stuck doing what you don’t want to do. If your life isn’t working for you, change it.” She stopped with her bean-snapping and looked at me. “Nobody’s forcing you to stay where you are in life.”
“I am,” I said pitifully.
She smiled. “Well, my advice is to not let you stand in the way of your own happiness.”
“Yeah,” I said, blinking a few times as the words sunk in. “That is kind of dumb, isn’t it?”
“Not dumb. Safe. I get the impression you’ve lived a safe life.”
I chuckled bitterly. “For the most part, yes. And the one time I stepped out of the safety zone, I monumentally screwed up the lives of about five people.” I was tallying up the entire MacKenzie family as collateral damage.
“I doubt that.” She lifted a big container of beans out of the sink and put it on the counter. “Life has a way of working out, whether it’s following our plan or not. I have a feeling that you’re going to look back on that time you stepped out of your safety zone, as one of the best things you could have done for yourself.”
“I really wish you knew what you were talking about,” I said, before I realized how rude it sounded.
She laughed. “Trust me. I know what I’m talking about.”
“Have you screwed up before? Like massively, awfully screwed up?”
She nodded. “Yep. We all have. It’s part of becoming a strong person.” She put her hands on her hips and faced me. “I’m a strong person, Andie. But it’s only because I’ve fought for it.”
“Shine not burn,” I said softly, my heart collapsing in on itself in my chest.
She nodded. “That’s right. We MacKenzie girls shine, not burn.” She pulled me into a hug. “You’re one of us, so you should know.”
I broke into tears, clinging to her like a drowning girl to a life ring.