She hissed out a breath like I had smacked her. I saw the pain flash across that jade gaze and felt like a heel.
“It wasn’t my secret to tell. Remy lived his life the way he wanted on his terms. I didn’t agree with it, with the secrets and sneaking around, but it wasn’t my place to force the issue. He was happy, he was in love, and he didn’t need or want you and Rule to interfere, even if it would have been with good intentions. As for being with Rule …” She met my gaze head-on and unflinchingly. “I’ve loved him forever and you knew it. I earned him, Rome. I earned the right to be happy with him and to make him happy. I won’t apologize for it, ever. I’m sorry the change is hard for you to adjust to.”
The waitress chose that moment to put our plates down on the table. We stared at each other in a long silence for a moment before my pounding head and empty stomach couldn’t take it anymore.
“I’m just trying to figure it out, little girl. Everyone let Rule muddle his way to something great, why can’t I have a little leeway until I get there?”
She finally gave me a grin that lit her entire face up. I really did love this girl and missed having her in my life.
“Leeway I can do. The total freeze-out, angry giant you’ve been lately, I’ve had enough of.”
“Captain No-Fun.” She laughed and looked at me questioningly. “Cora calls me ‘Captain No-Fun.’”
“She tends to call it like she sees it. I like that about her.”
I scratched the stubble on my chin and tried to keep my face impassive. “She seems to be full of surprises.”
She lifted her fork and pointed it at me. “How do you know? When have you ever hung out with her?”
Now, that wasn’t a question I wanted to touch with a ten-foot pole, so I decided to change the subject.
“Were the folks pissed you canceled Sunday Funday?”
She blinked at me in surprise. “A little. It’s not that uncommon. Rule and your mom still have a rough time of it and sometimes he’s just not in the mood to go. They both try and I guess that’s all you can ask for, but it’s hard. They miss you. They ask about you all the time. Everyone is so happy you made it home in one piece.”
This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have either, but it seemed less torturous than talking about my morning with Cora or how well I did or didn’t know the blond dynamo.
“I came back in one piece physically, not so sure the same thing can be said for my head.”
She frowned at me in concern as I pushed my now-empty plate away and picked up the coffee.
“What do you mean?”
I slumped back in the booth and twirled a finger around my temple like I was nuts. “My brain goes wonky. I see things that aren’t there, I can’t sleep so great, and I feel like people around me keep dying and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do with myself now that I’m not in the army, and it’s making me crazy. I don’t really recognize myself anymore.”
She made a little noise in her throat and reached across the table to put her much smaller hand over my own where I had involuntarily curled it into a fist on the tabletop. I could say over and over again I was mad at my mom and dad for lying to me, for making Rule’s life miserable, but the truth of the matter was I didn’t know that I could handle them looking at me like they didn’t know who I was anymore. I was so far gone from the son, the soldier they had seen last time I was home, I didn’t know what it would do to me to have them look at me like I was a stranger.
“Rome.” Shaw’s voice was soft and I couldn’t meet her gaze. If there was pity, sadness for me shining out of it, it would just kill me. I was so used to protecting her, to offering her advice and comfort, that the idea that she had to do it for me now slid under my skin like an icy splinter. “I’m looking right at you and see the guy that was always a wonderful brother, an amazing son, and the strongest, most self-aware guy I have ever known. You’re amazing and maybe you’re struggling right now, but seriously Rome, you’ve had to be strong for your entire life, haul around everyone else’s crap, it’s okay to put it down for a minute and let the rest of us carry the burden.”
I looked back up at her and had to gulp down the clog of emotion that rose in my throat. I couldn’t answer her, so I just gave her fingers a little squeeze to let her know the sentiment was welcome. My brother was one hell of a lucky guy to have this amazing girl be so gone for him. I thought I was off the hook when I pulled out my wallet to pay for the bill but it was easy to forget that Shaw was smart as a whip and rarely forgot anything.
“So what did you mean before when you said Cora was full of surprises? I didn’t think you guys really knew each other that well.”
I wanted to groan. “Nothing. I didn’t mean anything by it. She’s cute and says whatever she wants, she’s just surprising is all.”
She arched an eyebrow. “You know we’re really close, right? And anything she doesn’t tell me, Ayden will.”
Damn it, I forgot about the way girls were all so chatty and in each other’s business all the time.
“I got plowed last night.”
“Obviously.” Her dry tone surprised a laugh out of me.
“I gave the bartender my phone to call Rule to come get me but he called the shop and Cora answered. Since he was busy with the water heater and Nash was AWOL, she came and got me. She made sure I didn’t kill myself or anyone else. I just was surprised she cared enough to do it because I don’t think I’m her favorite person.”
Shaw regarded me solemnly for a minute. I had to fight hard not to squirm like a guilty little kid.
“There’s more to her than meets the eye.”
Hell yeah, there was but I wasn’t going to say anything about it.
“She was engaged a while back. The guy broke her heart and now she has all these delusions about meeting some picture-perfect guy and living happily ever after. She meddles in all our lives, doles out advice, and sticks her nose where it doesn’t belong time and time again, but won’t listen to any of us when we tell her she’s reaching for something that doesn’t exist. It just sucks because more often than not she’s right and we should have listened to her all along, so it’s no wonder she blows us off. Honestly I think she’s terrified of letting anyone close enough to break her heart again.”
I shrugged and started to slide out of the booth. “Nothing wrong with reaching for the stars.”
“There is when what’s available is only here in the ground level. I love Rule with everything I have, but he is far from perfect. Relationships are not tailor-made and people are flawed. You have to work around that and love the other person anyway. Our flaws are what make us unique, and while Rule might not be perfect, he is absolutely perfect for me.”
I wrapped an arm around her neck and gave her a quick hug that had her squealing. Something warm and familiar settled in my chest when I felt her wrap her arms around me in a hug. I missed this and it was my own stupid fault.
“I missed you, little girl.”
I felt her exhale against my chest and her hug tighten just a fraction. “I missed you, too, Rome. I’m so glad you’re back.”
I wasn’t a hundred percent back, but for some reason my eyes felt more open, and I had a clearer view of what I had been missing lately. Shaw was right. I had always been a pretty steady guy, a reliable son, a steadfast older brother. I was still all those things but now I was other things that weren’t so pretty, were harder parts to accept. However, the people in my life that loved me would always love me even if they had to do it in a different way now, and that made me a lucky guy. I needed to stop taking things like that for granted and, just like Cora said, stop feeling guilty for being one of the lucky ones.