-Ellie-
The drive to Flynn’s house felt longer than normal. It had been months since he had come into JAC’s and had screamed at me to leave him alone. I thought a lot about the look on his face and it would cut me each and every time.
His pain and anger had forced me to keep my distance. I thought it was the right thing to do. I had been wrong. I should never have let a single day pass without seeing him.
I was an idiot.
An idiot who wasn’t sure I’d be able to repair the damage caused by my pride and urge to self-destruct.
Spring was in the air and heading up the long drive way to Flynn’s house I could see the blossoms on the apple tree and the daffodils lining the side of the road.
I saw Flynn’s car and knew he was home. My palms were slick on the steering wheel as I parked. I sat in the driver’s seat for a long time, trying to think of exactly what I came here to say.
I’m a dumbass. Forgive me?
Or how about please excuse my chronic case of ruineverythingitis. I’m all better now. Give me another chance?
A knock on the window almost gave me a heart attack. I looked up to see Flynn peering down at me; his head cocked to the side, his brow furrowed.
I rolled down the window.
“Hi,” I said, my mouth dry.
“Are you going to get out the car?” he asked, direct and blunt as always.
I bit down on my lip so I wouldn’t smile and pulled my keys out of the ignition. I climbed out of my car and was almost barreled over by Murphy, who was extremely happy to see me.
“Hiya, boy!” I gasped as he planted his giant paws into the middle of my stomach. His tongue lolled out of his mouth and his tail wagged frantically. I scratched behind his ears and he leaned into my hand.
“He missed you,” Flynn said. I looked at him but he wasn’t smiling. His face was blank, not giving anything away.
“Yeah,” was all I could say.
“Why are you here?” he asked, not giving me anytime to get my bearings. I dropped my hand from the top of Murphy’s head.
“To see you,” I told him honestly.
“Why?” he asked, his frown deepening.
“Because I needed to,” I replied, my hands starting to shake.
Flynn didn’t say anything for a long time. Time seemed to freeze as we stood there, neither sure of the other’s intentions.
“I was wrong, Flynn. I was so very wrong. Can we talk?” I asked.
Flynn shook his head. “You hurt me, Ellie. You always hurt me. You need to go,” he said, dropping his head and staring at the ground.
This was usually a clear indicator that I shouldn’t push him. But I couldn’t leave. Not now.
“Please, Flynn. I don’t want to hurt you. I want to talk to you. And then if you want me to leave, I will,” I promised.
Flynn turned around and started walking back to the house. I wasn’t sure if I should follow him. Murphy sat at my feet, looking after Flynn, clearly as confused as I was.
“Come on Murphy. You too, Ellie,” he called back. And then, without bothering to wait for me to catch up, he went into the house.
Murphy and I followed after him.
Flynn was in the kitchen slicing up some banana bread when I walked inside. He handed me a plate, which I took without thinking. “I just made it. Eat,” he said, my mouth watering from the rich homey smell.
“Thanks,” I said, standing awkwardly while Flynn began to scarf down his bread. I wasn’t hungry. My stomach was twisted in knots.
Flynn let the silence hang there, never bothered by quiet the way others were. Under normal circumstances I would allow myself to fall into the ease of it. But this was anything but normal circumstances.
“I’m sorry, Flynn,” I said.
“We say that a lot to each other. You and me. It’s always I’m sorry. I’m tired of being sorry. Why can’t we just be nice to each other so we don’t have to say it all the time?” he asked and I was struck mute by his statement.
Because he was right.
And then he went on and if I had been shocked by his word before, nothing prepared me for what he said next.
“You burned my house down. I knew that already. I knew that after you did it. Reggie told me you had gone to jail because of it. My mom wouldn’t tell me. And I was mad for a long time. I cried a lot after I found out. But then we moved away and I stopped hurting so much. I don’t know if it’s because we weren’t in Wellsburg or if I had started to forgive you. But one day I wasn’t mad at you anymore. And then all I could remember when I thought about you was watching television and eating banana bread and laughing at stupid jokes. I would think of you smiling and it made me happy.”
I sat down heavily on one of the kitchen chairs. His forgiveness, so easily given, humbled me.
“You knew?” I asked softly, clarifying the truth.
Flynn nodded, eating another bite of his banana bread. “I don’t know why you told me that when we were at the beach. And then you stopped talking to me. I didn’t understand. I know I don’t get a lot but I thought we enjoyed being together. You told me you loved me. And then you were gone. I don’t like feeling that way, Ellie. I’m tired of feeling mad and sad and wanting to hit things. Kevin says that good relationships are based on communication. I want to communicate with you. I want us to be happy.” He carried on calmly, not raising his voice. He was rote and monotone as though reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. But I knew every word…every syllable, was absolute.
“I like it when you’re here. I like listening to you play the guitar and try to sing even though you have a horrible voice. I like riding in the car with you, even when you ask me to turn off my music. And I wouldn’t mind, because I’d rather hear you talk than listen to The Cure.” I was crying in earnest now, too overwhelmed to say anything. Flynn watched my face closely and then he slowly reached out and took my hand. He wrapped his hand around mine. It was safe and warm and exactly where I wanted to be.
“I don’t want you to stop talking to me because I hear everything you say. And I like sleeping next to you and holding your hand. It makes my heart beat fast when I touch you. I’ve only ever felt that way with you, Ellie.”
I pushed my plate away and leaned across the table. “I like all those things too and I hate how I’ve been. But I’m messed up, Flynn. I have a lot of issues. And those issues hurt. Not only me but you too. I don’t know how to stop it, but I do know that I want to be with you.”
I pulled out the letter from the College of Baltimore. I laid it on the table and put my hand on top. “I got this in the mail today. I was accepted to a school in Maryland. They say I can start in the fall. I want to do it,” I said, watching him the whole time.
I moved my hand and let him pull the paper towards him. He was silent while he read it but the smile on his face filled me with an immeasurable joy.
“You’re going to college,” he said, still not looking up.
“I’m going to college,” I repeated.
“To Maryland. That’s a long way away,” he murmured.
“Not if you go with me,” I said quietly, giving voice to my deepest hope. I didn’t want to take this step without him. I wasn’t sure I could do it if Flynn wasn’t there beside me. I needed him. I wanted him with me.
Flynn was quiet, still looking at the letter. But finally he looked up and met my eyes and I saw how happy he was. He got to his feet and stood over me. He reached down and held out his hands. I carefully put mine in his and he pulled me to my feet.
“I like hearing you talk, Ellie. But not now.” Flynn’s eyes were hard and serious.
I opened my mouth to ask him what he was talking about. I had a sick sense of dread that he was throwing me out of his house. And his life.
And then what would I do?
Before I could say anything, Flynn’s mouth came down on mine. Hard lips and desperate tongue as he fought his way passed my teeth. I gasped in surprise and pulled away slightly.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
Flynn shook his head. “Don’t talk,” he whispered and kissed me again.
My mind was spinning on overload. I had come to Flynn house expecting to hash things out. To either give us closure or to start again.
What I hadn’t anticipated was to have my clothes ripped off by a frantic Flynn. He pulled me into the living room. We couldn’t even make it upstairs to his bedroom. He savagely ripped his shirt as he tried to undo the buttons.
His violence shocked me but I didn’t have time to think about it because he was pulling my shirt over my head. His hands were everywhere. My body arched into him, craving what he was giving me.
“I love you, Flynn,” I whispered in his ear as we came together again after so many months apart. The words flew out of me, desperate for him to know. That I always had. I would never stop.
“I hear you,” Flynn said, his eyes closed as he pressed into me.
He placed his lips on my temple, breathing me in. His hands were splayed along my back, his fingers holding me together. I shattered beneath him.
Our roles in each other’s lives had been to every extreme.
Bully and victim.
Friend.
Champion.
Lover.
When I had met Flynn Hendrick as an angry and bitter fifteen-year-old girl, I hadn’t been ready for the emotions he caused me to feel. I had fought against them even as I ran straight towards him.
I had never been a believer of fate. I was of the mindset that I was in charge of my destiny, however crappy it was. Not some faceless void that threw things in your way just to mess with you.
But staring up at Flynn, his face open and happy, how could I not believe in a force that brought him into my world?
I had been slowly dying for all these years and he brought me back to life.
He taught me that being Ellie McCallum was okay. Because she was flawed and troubled. But she was also smart and capable and worthy of love.
Flynn kissed my mouth tenderly after we were finished. I waited for him to move away from me. He didn’t like the feeling of sweaty, sticky skin. But he stayed where he was, his head lying heavily on my naked chest, his hair tickling my nose.
I felt his body let out a big sigh and my heart tripped over itself.
Some instinct made me nervous.
“Are you okay?” I asked, kissing the top of his head, breathing in his scent, something telling me that I should memorize him and this moment. So I would have it for later.
Flynn rubbed his cheek along the curve of my breast, his arms tightening around me.
“I can’t go with you,” he said.
I tried to sit up and pull away but he was too heavy and kept me pinned to the couch.
“What are you saying?” I demanded. I had been feeling so peaceful, as if the pieces of my life were finally starting to fit together. Now I was in danger of losing it all before I even had it.
Flynn turned his face so that he was looking up at me, his eyes not shying away.
“You know I can’t. I live here. In Wellsburg. It’s too hard for me to leave. I would only make it harder for you. You would end up getting mad at me. You would wish I hadn’t come with you. I went to college, Ellie. Now it’s your turn.”
I shook my head. “No, Flynn. I want you to come! I would never feel that way! I can’t do this without you!” I cried.
Flynn frowned. “Yes, you can. You don’t need me there.”
“But I want you there!” I sobbed, feeling the weight of his refusal in the pit of my stomach.
“I’m going to stay here and be a teacher.” I stopped crying and blinked at him in shock. He had taken the job at the community college?
Flynn traced the curve of my lips with his finger, a sad, tender smile on his face.
“I have to do this for me. You’re not the only one that needs to learn stuff. I’ll just learn my stuff here.” He said and I could here the resolution in his voice. There would be no changing his mind.
“You took the job?” I asked. As miserable as I was to hear that he wouldn’t be coming with me, I was happy to hear this.
Flynn nodded. “So if I’m going to do something that scares me. So should you. That’s what you taught me. That I should still do the things that freak me out. Just because they freak me out. And that I’ll be okay. Better even. And so will you.”
Who was this rational guy?
“Don’t cry, Ellie!” Flynn said firmly and I wanted to scream at him. Why was he doing this? Now? After making me think we had a shot? I didn’t think Flynn was capable of such cruelty.
But then I realized what he was trying to say. And even though I felt my heart splinter, I knew that he wasn’t trying to break it. He was setting me free. Just as Dania had done.
Though I didn’t want him to let me go.
Not ever.
“I can’t do this without you, Flynn. Please. Just think about it!” I pleaded. And even though I felt selfish for saying it, it was true. He had become my strength. He held me up and kept me going. I wasn’t sure I could do this if he wasn’t beside me.
Flynn shook his head and he pulled himself off me. I thought he was trying to get some physical distance and was surprised when he pulled me into his lap.
“You can do this. And you will. I can’t go with you. I can’t leave Wellsburg. I have things to do here. This is my home. This is where I’m making my life. And it’s not your home anymore. You want to go away. You want to leave. And that makes me sad. But I’m happy too. Because you will be going to school and that’s something you want to do. And I’ll be here if you ever want to come back.”
“Can’t your home be with me?” I shook in his arms.
Flynn ran his nose along my hair. “You need to make a home out there first,” was all he said and I knew his mind was made up. And when Flynn made up his mind, there was no changing it.
And a tiny part of me that wasn’t being drowned by my grief, understood what he was doing. I needed to have the opportunity to create a life of my own. Without baggage. Without people and circumstances tying me down.
What Flynn didn’t understand was he would never be my baggage. He’s the one that took all of it away.
“Won’t you miss me?” I asked, sounding like a child. But I couldn’t help it. I knew that Flynn needed to stay. And that I needed to go. I wish just for once the universe would allow us to be together the way we were supposed to be.
But maybe that wasn’t our fate.
Some people came into your life and they changed it completely and then they slipped out of it again before you could grab ahold of them.
And their presence motivates you and strengthens you and devastates you all at the same time.
“I missed you after my house burned down. I missed you after we came back from the beach and you stopped talking to me. And I’ll miss you when you go to school. But I know that one day I won’t need to miss you anymore because you’ll come back and find me again.”
“I will?” I asked, laying my cheek on his chest and hearing the rhythmic thump of his heart beneath me. It was sure and steady, just like him. And it loved me completely.
“You will. Because you’ll miss me too.” Flynn kissed the top of my head and then we were quiet. And just like always the silence said everything that words couldn’t.
I was determined that my fate would bring me back to him.
There was no other option.
As Flynn held me, my tears dried up, my grief subsided and I was left with only joy.
And when the time came for me to leave, I was no longer broken.
I was whole.