-Ellie-
And the months kept passing…
Days, weeks, months marched along, oblivious to my desperate desire to stop them.
I felt like I was living my life on an endless loop.
Hope, happiness, possibility…it was all gone.
Vanished like a popped bubble. Lost when Flynn yelled at me to leave him alone.
But even the numbness only lasted so long and then that too disappeared and I was left with something so much worse.
Regret.
Winter faded into spring and the world kept moving on. So why was I stuck in the past?
I slipped the tiny sand castle Flynn had given me into my pocket as I got ready that morning. I never left the house without it. I tried so hard to pretend that losing him hadn’t ruined me…but that one simple act called me a liar.
There was no coming back from loving Flynn Hendrick.
Ever.
I was supposed to be attending a study group in a few hours. I was trying to prep for my end of the semester essay.
As the rest of my life fell back into stasis, school continued to be my only escape. For the longest time after Flynn and I parted ways and Dania had moved in, I thought I had lost my enthusiasm for it.
But I had been wrong. Some things had changed within me that couldn’t be undone.
My illogical (and impossible) dream of becoming something better was one of them.
My love for Flynn was the other.
Neither had abandoned me even when, in the depths of my self-destruction, I had hoped they would.
The post office was empty when I walked in. I headed to my tiny box back in the farthest corner. I opened it and pulled out the pile of magazines and useless junk mail. This would teach me to check it with a lot more regularity.
I stood there, sorting through everything. Most of it ended up in the trash. There were a few items for Dania that I tucked into my bag.
I picked up the last piece of mail and frowned at the return address.
It was from the College of Baltimore.
My stomach flipped over as I held it. I remember when I had, on a whim, applied to a few schools. I had been high on the changes in my life and thought why not? I had Flynn in my corner telling me to do it. I had my professor saying I had a gift. Hope had been new and exciting.
But that had been before real life stuff stomped all over my smiley, happy hope with huge shit kickers.
I didn’t expect an acceptance. The several others I had already received were what I had anticipated. Rejection. I was all too familiar with it.
But this one felt different.
There was some weight to it.
Did I dare to believe again?
Or was it time to finally let my dreams go?
Fate obviously had other plans.
With trembling fingers, I tore open the letter. The envelope fell to the floor and I didn’t even bother to pick it up. It was a packet of information. A glossy brochure showing pretty manicured lawns and impressive brick buildings stared back at me. I pulled the letter with my name to the top of the pile, my eyes skimming its contents.
Congratulations! It is my pleasure to inform you…
What?
I blinked several times, almost certain my eyes were playing tricks on me and I read it again. The words didn’t change.
I had been accepted to the College of Baltimore. In Maryland. Over three hundred miles away.
I could barely breathe.
It seemed almost cruel to hand me something like this at a time when it felt that it was impossible to take.
I shoved the packet of information back into the pile of mail and closed the door to my post office box. I walked back across the street, feeling both heavy and light at the same time.
I walked into the apartment surprised to find Dania up and making herself something to eat.
“Hey, you!” Dania called out with more energy than I had heard from her in months.
“Hey,” I called back, walking into the kitchen.
“What are you doing?” I asked, curious about what she was stirring around in the pot on the stove.
“I’m making soup. I was hungry and I figured I’d make enough for both of us. Want some?” she asked, smiling.
“Uh, sure,” I replied, wondering what was going on. Dania had barely gotten out of her pajamas in ages and now she was standing in my kitchen making freaking soup.
Dania ladled some into a bowl and handed it to me. I held it like it was a ticking time bomb. Thoughtful Dania made me nervous.
We took our soup into the living room and sat down on the couch.
“I saw Brandon yesterday,” she said, her face guarded but her eyes gave everything away. I saw a peaceful contentment there I had never seen from her before.
“You did?” I asked, shocked. I had been at school and then worked most of the evening. When I had finally gotten home, Dania had already been in bed. But she hadn’t mentioned a thing all week about going to see him. I had long since grown convinced that she had no plans to ever see her son. The service plan paperwork still sat in its envelope on the counter, unopened.
Dania nodded. “He’s going to be released from the NICU tomorrow. I’ve been talking to Randa, his foster care worker, and she had suggested I go to see him. I didn’t want to at first. But she convinced me it would be good for me. She picked me up yesterday morning and took me to Barkley.”
“How was he?” I asked, hardly able to believe what I was hearing.
“He was tiny and perfect and absolutely beautiful,” she said softly.
“Does this mean you’ll do the stuff in your service plan? That you’re going to work to get him back?” I asked.
Dania put her bowl down on the coffee table and brought her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them.
“No, I’m not,” she said.
I put my bowl down beside hers and stared at her blankly, not understanding.
“What are you saying?” I asked her.
Dania’s silent tears began to fall, soaking into the knees of her jeans. Her face was scrubbed clean and I realized it had been a long time since I had seen her with make up. She no longer dressed like she was headed to work on a street corner. She had gotten rid of her short skirts and slutty halter-tops in exchange for sweat pants and T-shirts. She looked a lot younger, but her eyes gave her away. They held a pain and awareness that looked a lot like what I saw when I looked in the mirror.
“I’m not cut out to be a mother. Look what I’ve already done to him,” she said sadly.
“But that doesn’t mean you can’t learn, Dania. That’s what the service plan is for. To help you become the mother he needs you to be,” I argued.
Dania shook her head, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. “It’s not fair to Brandon, Ells. I don’t know that I’ll ever be the sort of mother that he deserves. He needs someone who will put him first, always. I can’t do that. You know I’m not capable of being someone’s mother. F*ck, I can barely take care of myself,” she snapped.
“But you could…” I started but she lifted her hand, silencing me.
“I know what you’re doing, Ellie, and while I appreciate it, it’s unnecessary. You’re a good friend. A better friend than I’ve ever been to you. After everything I’ve done, here you are, letting me invade your life and your space after I said all of that horrible stuff to you. Stuff that I didn’t really mean. It was mostly my own insecure bull crap. I’ve always been jealous of you, Ells. I always knew you were better than this. But I was too scared to lose you. I wanted you to be just as stuck and miserable as I was. Like I said, I’m a shitty friend. Always have been.”
Well, I wasn’t going to argue with her. She had been a shitty friend. Her confession didn’t surprise me, but the fact that she had given it did. And I couldn’t forget about the things she had done for me.
“Yeah, you’ve been pretty bitchy, but you were also the only person to see me in juvie. You helped me get on my feet when I got out. You were there, Dania. Don’t forget about that,” I told her.
Dania sighed and unfolded her legs. “The point is I’m incapable of really loving anyone. Hell, I don’t even love myself. So what chance does that baby have with a mother like me?”
“So what are you going to do?” I asked her.
“I’m signing over my parental rights. Since I don’t know who his father is, it’s only me that stands in the way of Brandon having a really good home. A better one than you or I ever had. After seeing him, it became real. I couldn’t shove my head in the sand anymore and hope it would all go away. And I couldn’t stomach the thought of him going into the system and ending like me. Or worse, eventually coming to live with me and I wouldn’t be able to handle it. What if I left him the way my mom left me? I can’t do that to him! Randa says they will be able to find him a good home. That he will be with parents who love him and want him.” Dania sniffled and wiped her nose.
My eyes were stinging with tears, hardly able to believe what I was hearing.
Dania was giving up her baby. And she was doing it for completely selfless reasons.
I reached out and took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “I know this hurts, Dania. And you still have time to change your mind, you know,” I said.
“No, this is the right thing to do for Brandon. I won’t change my mind,” she said emphatically. I held her hand for a while and then she gave me a watery smile.
“The next step is to get out of your hair. I know I have to be driving you nuts. I need to get my own place and figure out what I’m going to do. And then I’m going to burn all of my pajamas. I never want to see them again,” she said and I laughed.
“I’ll build the fire,” I teased.
Dania smoothed down her hair. It was a relief to see her finally snapping out of her funk. And to see her coming out of it better than I had ever seen her before. Seeing her son had done something to her. It had changed her.
She picked up the pile of mail and started going through it. “What’s this?” she asked, holding up my acceptance letter. I reached out and tried to take it from her.
“It’s nothing,” I said but she pulled it out of my grasp.
“It doesn’t look like nothing, Ells. It says it’s from the College of Baltimore. And it says congratulations on the top. What is it?” she asked, frowning at me.
It was my turn to sigh deeply.
“I got accepted to go to school there,” I told her. Dania stared down at the letter, reading it.
“This says you’re eligible for financial assistance. That the government can help you pay for it. Is that right?” she asked, pointing at the words I had already read.
I shrugged. “I guess so. I’m just not sure I want to go.”
“And why not?” she demanded me, sounding angry.
“Why are we talking about this at all? Drop it!” I warned her.
Dania’s eyes flashed. I hadn’t seen her this worked up in a long time. The last few months she had been asleep. Now I was seeing her finally wake up back up.
“I will not f*cking drop it! Don’t you dare use me as an excuse for you not doing what you want to do!” she hissed.
“I’m not blaming you,” I argued.
“The hell you’re not. You’ve been walking around on eggshells for months. Treating me like a god damned two-year old!”
“Because you’ve been acting like a damn two-year old! I couldn’t exactly leave you when you could barely get out of bed!” I yelled, getting angry.
“Well I’m telling you to leave! I don’t want your help! I certainly don’t need it! I’m going to get my shit sorted. So go off to your boyfriend, tell him you’re going to school and you’re leaving me and this shit hole behind!” she yelled back.
“Don’t tell me what to do!” I muttered petulantly, making Dania snort.
“You don’t need to stick around because of me. I’m not disabled. Ride off into your cherry f*cking sunset. Live your fancy schmancy life, go to school, and be better than the rest of us. You know you want to.” Dania rolled her eyes.
And I knew what she was doing.
She was giving me her blessing. Even if she being the biggest bitch on the planet in order to do it.
“Fine! I will!” I huffed, going along, knowing this made it easier for Dania to let me go.
“Good, because I’m sick of living with you. I need my own space,” Dania grabbed the bowls off the coffee table and stomped into the kitchen. I heard a crash as she slammed them into the sink.
Dania’s unexpected encouragement had renewed my hope. And she was right. I was using her as an excuse because I was scared. Isn’t that what it always came back to? My fear?
With the threads tying me here loosening and letting me go, I knew there was someone I still had to see. Someone who I had let down and disappointed but was the only person I wanted to share this accomplishment with, in spite of everything. I didn’t even know if he would see me. He may yell at me and tell me to leave.
But I needed to see Flynn. Because of anyone, I knew he had wanted this to me almost more than I had wanted it myself.
I picked up my acceptance letter and folded it up, putting it in my pocket. I poked my head into the kitchen. Dania was scrubbing the dishes, using a bit more force than was necessary.
“Hey,” I called out. Dania didn’t turn around, but she stopped her vicious scrubbing.
“I’m heading out. But…thanks,” I said and left the kitchen, hoping she knew exactly what I was thanking her for.
I was thanking her for being the friend I needed her to be.
“You’re welcome,” I heard Dania say softly as I walked out the door.