Reclaiming the Sand

-Ellie-



My head felt like it would split in two. Welcome to hangover hell. I rolled over in bed, the small action making me groan. Every. Single. Part. Of. Me. Hurt.

Seeing Flynn Hendrick last night, after six years of trying to forget him, had served as a catalyst for some good ole fashioned self-destructive behavior. Something I was extremely good at.

I had closed up JAC’s and headed to Woolley’s bar, where it was packed with the drunk and stupid crowd. Of which my friends were the leaders of the bunch.

Dania was slumped over in a booth, her pregnant belly poking out from underneath a shirt that was way too small for her growing body. Her eyes were closed and a bottle of beer had tipped over into her lap. Craig, the sleaze, was nowhere to be found. I guess he had gotten what he wanted and f*cked off. Such was Dania’s way with the opposite sex.

I had joined the rest of the group, my nerves jangled and my anger piping hot. Shane Nolan, the guy who had taken my virginity when I was fourteen and had been trying to get in my pants ever since, was making out with our friend Regina, aka Reggie, Fisher on the other side of a passed out Dania.

I had sat down beside Stu Wooten, a guy with a police record to rival mine¸ and stole his beer. He didn’t blink, only raised a hand to get the waitress’s attention and ordered us a round of shots.

I got drunk. Really, really drunk. And then I had gotten rowdy. Shane, once he realized I was there, had shoved Reggie away and spent the rest of the night groping my ass. I had ended up punching him. Reggie and Stu laughed, I had shrugged it off, and Shane had left Woolly’s with a black eye.

The night had deteriorated after that. Some chick had claimed I was flirting with her boyfriend, so I had yanked a chunk of hair out of her head. Reggie had joined in and the place had gone nuts. The boyfriend had tried to pull me off his girlfriend and Stu had jumped him.

The police were called. Stu had thrown a barely conscious Dania over his shoulder and we had taken off out the back door and down a side street to evade arrest.

We had ended up back at my place where the party had continued. And by the time I had helped Reggie finish off a bottle of vodka, I had forgotten all about Freaky Flynn’s return.

I sat up in bed, squinting into the darkness. My mouth was dry and my throat was on fire from dehydration. I crawled over a body sprawled out beside me in my bed. I had to look closely to see who it was and was relieved to find that it was only Dania. She had thrown up at some point in the night and the putrid smell of sick hung in the still air.

I started to heave and barely made it to the bathroom before I emptied the contents of my stomach in the toilet.

Why the hell did I do this to myself all the time? You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now. Alcohol and Ellie McCallum did not mix.

Shit! What time was it?

I stumbled to my feet and lumbered out into my tiny living room. I turned on the TV, ignoring the moans of protest from Stu and Reggie, who were passed out on my floor.

Crap. It was already nine thirty. My appointment at Black River Community College was in a little over an hour. I looked around at the state of my home and cringed. The place was trashed. And that was definitely puke on the carpet.

I kicked Stu’s leg, a little harder than necessary. “Get up!” I yelled. I yanked open the curtains, letting the morning light stream in.

Reggie screamed like a banshee and covered her face with her hands. “Close the curtains!” she shrieked. I kicked Stu again and he smacked my leg.

“Get up! I have somewhere I need to be!” I called out. I turned up the volume on the television, blaring it. Stu finally opened his eyes, glaring at me. Most people would be intimidated by the level of malice rolling off the tattooed guy with the buzzed head.

Most people weren’t Ellie McCallum. It would take a lot more than a glare from Stu Wooten to make my blood run cold.

“You need to make me some coffee,” he demanded, his voice sounding like he had been gargling broken glass. Reggie sat up, wearing only a bra that barely covered her boobs. Her short, brown hair stuck out from the side of her head and it was obvious by the dried funk on her face that she was one of the people who had vomited on my floor.

“You know where the coffee pot is. Make it your damn self. I have to get in the shower.” I headed back down the hallway toward my bathroom. “Reggie, put some clothes on and get Dania up. You all need to be out of here in twenty minutes.”

I slammed the door to the bathroom and turned on the shower, letting the steam fill the room.

I rooted through the medicine cabinet and found a bottle of pain reliever. I shook out four capsules into my palm and swallowed them. My head was pounding and I felt as though I might be sick again.

I hurried into the shower and sighed as the hot water hit my back. This time of the day, under the warm flow of water, was the only point I could really relax. Before my day could begin and screw up everything. I liked mornings. They made me almost…optimistic.

My mind flashed back to the sight of Flynn’s face yesterday. It had shocked me to see him again after all this time. Over the years I had almost convinced myself that he didn’t exist at all.

My denial was useful at times.

But seeing him had been like a fist to the gut. It had taken me back to a time I had tried hard to forget.

He hadn’t changed much. He looked a little older. But he still had that same out of control brown hair. He was still on the thin side and shuffled his feet when he walked. He still carried himself like he wanted to curl into a ball and hide. And it was more than obvious his people skills hadn’t improved any.

He was still a freak.

So why did my heart flutter madly in my chest as though it wanted to break free? And why did my body buzz at the memory of a boy who I hated to remember?

My feelings toward Flynn were more complicated than ever. You would have thought after all this time the intensity would have faded into non-existence.

But every tangled, ugly, wild emotion was still there. And they slashed me open all over again.

I wondered if he had recognized me? Unlike Flynn, I had changed a lot about my appearance since I had left Wellsburg High School during my junior year.

Then I had been a punk teenager who dyed my hair a new color every week. I had worn my makeup thick, particularly the eyeliner. I had worn baggie clothes and a face full of metal. I had done everything I could to make myself as unattractive as possible. It had been my only defense.

Too bad it had never worked.

I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my body. I raised my hand and wiped the condensation from the mirror and looked at my reflection.

Yeah, I had changed a lot. I wasn’t sure Flynn would recognize me now. Long gone were the nose, eyebrow, and lip rings. My hair was now its natural blonde and I wore it long, hitting the middle of my back. I didn’t wear makeup anymore. I had stopped bothering just after going into detention. Having my ass beaten for my mascara made me less than worried about my appearance.

I had gone au naturel after that. And it had stuck. I never went to the trouble again.

I wasn’t a bad looking girl. I didn’t hate myself enough to deny that. I was even sort of pretty. Though I would have given anything to get rid of the freckles on my nose and cheeks. They made me look like some innocent prairie girl.

And I was anything but innocent.

I was just on the side of too skinny but that had everything to do with not being able to afford food as opposed to choice.

So yeah, I was pretty if you didn’t look me in the eye. Because my eyes always gave me away. They were a cold, hard blue. There was nothing warm in my gaze. If it’s true that eyes are the windows to your soul, I knew that mine held no possibility for goodness.

Anything good had been killed a long time ago.

There was a bang on the door. “I need to piss!” Stu called out from the hallway. My hand curled into a fist and I bit my lip, closing my eyes.

I couldn’t stand Stu. Or Reggie. Or Shane. In fact I hated most of the people I called friends. They were selfish and inconsiderate and at times downright cruel. But they were all I had. Just like Dania, they had known me for years and they were like stuck to me like crap on my shoe.

I tucked my towel firmly above my breasts, which were entirely too large for my liking, wrung out my hair into the sink and opened the door.

Stu didn’t bother to look at my barely covered body. He didn’t leer at my cleavage peeking out above the towel. He didn’t roll like that. I might as well have been a block of wood. He wasn’t a known lover of the female form. Sure he f*cked when he felt the itch, but it wasn’t something he seemed to enjoy doing.

I had often wondered if his overt aggression concealed latent homosexuality. It would have explained so much. But hell if I’d ever question him about it. I liked the look of my teeth in my mouth, thank you very much.

He pushed passed me and slammed the door behind him. Like I said, my friends were dicks.

I walked back to my room and turned on the overhead light. Dania was still passed out cold and I could see the line of bile from her mouth down the side of my comforter.

“Dania, I’ve got to go. You need to head home,” I said a lot more nicely than I had been with Reggie and Stu. With Dania you had to tiptoe carefully. While I was known for my quick temper, Dania was known for ripping your guts out with her bare hands if you looked at her funny. She was volatile and completely mental. Add a dose of pregnancy hormones on top of her already scary personality and you had someone closely akin to a psychopath.

Dania opened her eyes slowly and brought her hands up to her eyes, covering them. “Turn off the light, Ells,” she moaned.

I shook her foot lightly. “I’ve got somewhere to go. You need to head back to your place. I can give you a ride if you need me to,” I said gently.

“I feel horrible,” Dania whined, trying to sit up. She glared down at her belly as if it were the unborn baby’s fault she felt like shit.

She gingerly combed through her long, black hair with her fingers. Even hung over and with dried saliva on the side of her mouth, Dania was beautiful. She always had been. With black, shiny hair and light blue eyes framed with thick lashes, she looked like a movie star.

When we were in foster care together, Dania talked about running away to New York. She said she’d be discovered and begin her amazing career as a world famous model. Back then, she both loved and hated the way she looked. She thought her face would be her ticket out of Wellsburg. That it would give her a better life. But she hated it because of the attention it brought her. Particularly from our foster dad.

But since leaving the system at eighteen, her dreams of leaving Wellsburg had dwindled away. Pummeled by real life. She stopped dreaming. She stopped thinking big. She accepted. Like we all eventually did.

They say misery loves company. And we were the best company each other had.

“Where are you going?” Dania asked, slowly swinging her legs over the side of my bed, making sure to avoid the vomit on the carpet.

“I promised Jeb I’d help Melanie with the inventory this morning,” I lied effortlessly. What a load of shit. And if Dania were feeling half way human she would have called me on it. I hated Melanie Stanton, the other female clerk at JAC’s. To be fair I hated most people. But I made it a point to never willingly be in her presence. Jeb had learned early on that it was not a good idea for Melanie and I to share shifts.

Melanie was a forty-year-old woman who, up until her husband was laid off work, had been a stay at home mom. And she was everything I disliked in a person. She was perky. She was always put together. She talked endlessly about her perfect f*cking family. And worst of all, she smiled all of the goddamned time. She made me want to slide down into a warm bath and slit my wrists.

“Oh okay. Is Reggie still here?” she asked, pushing her feet into her three inch spiked heeled boots.

“She should be. She and Stu were half naked in my living room when I went out there a little while ago,” I commented dryly. Dania’s eyes narrowed and I wished I had made more of an effort to filter my comments.

“Did they hook up?” she growled. Why had I said anything? I had no doubt Reggie and Stu had screwed on my lumpy couch after I had passed out last night. Our group of friends was incestuous. It was disgusting really.

We should have been way passed declaring ownership on one another. We hung out. Some of us screwed on occasion. No biggie.

But Dania was extremely territorial of Stu. They had dated for almost a year when we were fifteen. And even though I was pretty sure Stu didn’t possess the ability to develop feelings for anyone, Dania had been crazy, head over heels in love with him. When they had stopped dating (which had everything to do with her jealousy and possibly due to his sexual orientation), she had lost it. In true Dania style, she had gone raging psycho bitch and had egged his car and smashed his bedroom window with a rock.

Stu had taken it all in stride, not seemingly bothered by his ex-girlfriend’s nuclear meltdown. Though he had, on one occasion, called her a whore in front of half the school.

But over time, Dania had calmed down and moved on. It’s what she did. But that hadn’t stopped her from harboring a deep seeded burn for Mr. Lack of Personality.

I shrugged, already done with the conversation. I checked my watch and saw that if I didn’t leave now, I’d be late for my financial aid meeting. “I doubt it. I think they just fell asleep.” I was a really good liar.

Dania shoved passed me and stomped out to the living room. Sighing, I followed her. Reggie was reclining on the couch.

“Where’s Stu?” Dania demanded. Reggie blinked up at her in surprise. Reggie wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. Honestly she was as dumb as rocks.

But even she could tell that she was in some deadly waters.

“Uh, he already left. You need a ride home?” Reggie asked, looking at me in a near panic. Everyone knew Dania went mental over Stu. Particularly when Stu was screwing someone else. Like I said, Reggie was an idiot.

“Did you f*ck him?” Dania screeched. Sheesh. I’d never get out of here at this rate. I reached down, took ahold of Reggie’s arm and pulled her to her feet. I then began herding both of them out of my apartment, grabbing my bag and keys on our way out.

“It’s not like that, D,” Reggie pleaded. Dania had already clenched her fists and I knew a fight was brewing. My friends were a classy bunch.

“Look you two. If you’re going to do this, don’t do it here. My landlord is already breathing down my neck about my late rent payment. You two having a chick fight in front of the building would not look good. So please, take your shit somewhere else,” I said tiredly.

I gave Reggie a push toward her car. “Take her home. Deal with her there,” I told her. Reggie looked scared. I didn’t blame her. Dania was pissed. And when she was pissed, she was irrational. Good luck with that.

“Take me home,” Dania demanded, glaring at Reggie who looked ready to pee in her slutty pants.

I made sure the two of them left before I got into my own car. I turned the key and the engine made a clicking noise before it finally turned over. I heard a distinctive clanging as I pulled out onto the road and knew that couldn’t be good. But as long as the old clunker got me to where I needed to be, I internally promised to have it looked at as soon as I had the cash.

Black River Community College was only fifteen minutes from where I lived but it might as well be on another planet. This was a side of Wellsburg that still looked semi-decent. Well-manicured lawns and pretty brick buildings were everywhere.

I stuck out in my jean shorts and second hand button up shirt like a sore thumb. I had made an effort to look nice today but my wardrobe was severely limited. As I looked around at the other kids in their pretty clothes and nicely trimmed hair, for the first time I was embarrassed by how little I had.

Enough of the feeling sorry for myself shit. That didn’t get me anywhere. I threw my shoulders back and squared my jaw before heading in the direction of the financial aid office.



An hour later I left the building in a bit of a daze. I had gone into the meeting expecting to have the door kicked shut in my face.

What I hadn’t anticipated was to have…options.

That wasn’t something I was accustomed to.

But they were there, shining like new pennies. For the first time in my life, something I wanted might actually happen.

Mrs. Randolph, the head of financial aid at the school, had looked over my GED paperwork. I had done surprisingly well on the test for having barely paid attention during the prep course.

Apparently, given my history in the system as well as my low-income status, I qualified for several grants that would pay for me to take classes. As in I wouldn’t have to pay for it out of pocket. As in, I no longer had an excuse for not doing this.

I had taken the folder of paperwork from Mrs. Randolph with a promise I’d fill it out and return it to her before the fall semester’s July 30th deadline. She had said she could expedite the financial aid process so that I would be able to start at the end of August when classes started.

She had been kind and helpful. And I hadn’t wanted to knock her teeth out. I was super proud of myself.

I clutched the red folder to my chest and walked out into the hot, summer sunshine. I knew better than to get my hopes up. I just knew something would come along and snatch this golden opportunity from my needy grasp.

Things like this just didn’t happen for Ellie McCallum.

And there he was again.

I saw the slouched shoulders and dark hair darting between the trees, skulking as though trying to go unnoticed.

Just like that, my tenuous good mood evaporated and I became angry again. As though Flynn Hendrick were a bad omen.

One that I needed to get rid of…quickly.

So I followed him.

I watched as he skirted around people as he hurried toward his destination. I also couldn’t help but notice the way girls looked at him.

Huh. That was new.

He had never been a guy to get the right type of attention when I had known him. He was a joke. A freak. Not the sort of boy that girls lusted after.

Apparently things had changed.

Because even though he kept his head down, girls were definitely checking him out.

They just didn’t realize what a weirdo he was.

An older man stopped Flynn and I ducked behind a tree to watch them, fascinated in spite of myself. Flynn fidgeted, his hands jammed into the pocket of his khakis. I snickered seeing them. He always wore the same thing. Khakis and a long sleeved button down shirt, no matter how hot it was. The guy really hadn’t done himself any favors by dressing like a dork. He was such an easy mark. As though he were begging to be picked on.

I took a sadistic joy in realizing he was still awkward and messed up.

Just like me.

But then he did something that surprised me. He lifted his head and smiled at the older man. Then he laughed. And I could hear it from my hiding spot behind the tree.

It had been a long time since I had seen Flynn Hendrick smile. In all the years I had known him, in all the time I had made it my mission to hurt and humiliate him, he hardly ever smiled and he very rarely laughed. I often made sure that he never had a reason to.

But he was laughing now and it completely transformed him.

My heart twisted painfully in my chest at the sight.

Because Flynn looked happy.

Freaky Flynn looked content and at ease.

My hatred and bitterness clawed inside of me, desperate to get out. Wanting to be free. To bring this guy back down to the depths of hell with me.

Why did he get to be happy? What rules of the universe deemed him worthy of joy while I was suffocating in my own despair?

F*ck Flynn Hendrick and his smile. F*ck him and his apparent wonderful life.

I was having a hard time breathing. I wanted to leave. But I couldn’t stop watching this man that I blamed for so much. This man I had tried so hard to bring down and who was clearly better off for it.

Flynn turned his head, as though feeling the weight of my stare. The sun shone down on him like a freaking halo. How fitting.

And then he found me. As though I had a neon sign pointing in my direction. He frowned and I knew he was trying to place me. And I knew the moment when he recognized me.

He began to rub obsessively at the back of his hands. Something I remembered him doing when he became upset.

The rubbing became more pronounced, as though he were trying to remove his skin.

The older man beside him said something but he didn’t respond. He continued to stand there, like a deer in headlights, staring at me as though he had seen a ghost, rubbing at his hands over and over again.

Then some cruel part inside me that had been left to fester all these years lifted its ugly head. I grinned at Flynn’s discomfort. It made me feel good.

I raised my hand and wiggled my fingers in his direction. Letting him know that I saw him too.

Flynn’s hands stopped rubbing, as though he were making a conscious effort to stop himself. He shoved his hands back in his pockets, his eyes never leaving mine. I was surprised to see a strength that had never been there before.

It left me feeling weak in comparison.

He turned to the man beside him, giving me his back. Letting me know that he didn’t care if I was standing there or not. That I didn’t bother him. Not anymore.

And Flynn stood on the steps of a brick building, pretending he had never seen me.

But I noticed that he had pulled his hands out of his pockets again and was once more rubbing them furiously.