-Flynn-
Many years ago…
I was alone.
I was always alone.
I don’t have friends.
I don’t talk to anyone.
I sit by myself at lunch. I eat my chicken salad sandwich really fast so no one can take it from me. I don’t like being hungry. And if Stu saw my lunch he’d eat it.
I hate being alone. I want people to talk to me. I want them to like me. It makes me angry when I try to say something and people ignore me. Or worse they laugh.
They call me names. Lots of names. Mean names.
A girl named Dania started calling me Freaky Flynn a few months ago and now they all call me that. They yell it when I walk down the hall.
Someone wrote it on my locker with black marker. I cried. I was so angry and everyone was laughing. They called me a p-ssy and someone shoved me into the wall.
The mean girl, Dania, pushed me and called me a loser. I didn’t want her touching me. I yelled at her and threw my science book at her face. There was a guy named Shane standing next to her and he threw my book in the trash and told me to go get it.
I didn’t want to. But he grabbed me and shoved me into the trashcan.
It smelled bad. I threw up. And they just kept laughing and shoving me.
Every day is the same. I hate going to school. I try to stay home but my mom makes me go. She says I can’t let them get to me. That I have to be strong. I don’t want to be strong.
I want them to stop.
The only thing I like about school is Ellie. I like seeing her. When she talks to me in class, it makes me happy.
She is still mean sometimes but she is nicer now. She asks me about my drawings and she tells me she wishes she could draw too.
I tell her I can teach her.
She laughs and says she isn’t talented enough. I like her laugh. It makes my insides feel weird.
I still get angry when she calls me Freaky Flynn. But it also makes me feel something else. Not mad, but worse. My new doctor says it is sadness. He helps me figure out the way I am feeling and how to tell what other people are feeling.
I know when Ellie is frowning, she is mad. And when she is laughing, she is happy. But the other stuff is harder to figure out. I don’t understand when she looks at me sometimes and her mouth turns down. It makes me nervous.
And I feel sad when Ellie is mean to me. When she is with her friends she is just as mean as they are.
I want to cry when she calls me bad words. I don’t like it when she cusses. I told her that once and then she got mad and called me something even worse. Then she laughed with her friends and I felt bad.
But she is nice to me in class and then I’m happy again.
She is pretty. When I go home, I’ll draw her face. But I still hate the colors she puts in her hair.
She came to school one day without any color in it and she looked really nice. I told her she was pretty and she smiled at me. And I felt weird inside again. It was like a tingling but better.
My mom isn’t able to pick me up after school today and I am worried. She started a new job and she told me sometimes I would have to walk home. I didn’t want to walk home. It was really far. I would get lost.
So Mom bought me a watch and told me it would take me eighteen minutes to walk home. Mom and I had walked back and forth from school to my house five times over the weekend so I knew where I was going.
Mom was right. It took exactly eighteen minutes to get home. I knew which houses I’d see and how long it should take. Mom had written down the times so I could check my watch.
But I am still nervous.
My stomach feels tight as I start to walk down the road after school. What if Dania or Stu try to hurt me? What if they yell at me and call me names? That makes me worry. I rub my hands together. Up and down. Over and over again.
“Hey!” I hear someone yell but I won’t look at them. I just have to keep walking. I am scared it is Dania or Stu.
“Hey!” they call out again and I start to walk faster. I don’t want to be called names again. I don’t want to feel angry.
“Flynn, stop!” A hand grabs my arm and I flinch back.
“Don’t touch me!” I yell, pushing the hand away.
Ellie holds up her hands and frowns. “Sorry! I didn’t mean anything. I just saw you walking and wondered where you were going,” she said and I don’t know if she is going to be mean or not. Her eyes are frowning but I can’t tell if she is angry.
“Are you mad at me?” I ask.
Ellie frowns again, her mouth turns down. “Why would I be mad at you?” she said.
“You’re frowning and your mouth looks mean. I thought that meant you were mad,” I tell her.
Ellie’s mouth isn’t turned down anymore. She is smiling. I know this means she is happy. And then she laughs and my stomach feels like bugs crawling around inside. I like her laugh. It makes me feel good.
“You’re so f*cking weird Freaky,” she said.
She called me Freaky. I hate that name! It makes me worse than angry.
“Don’t call me that!” I yell, wanting to hit her.
She frowned again. Why was she frowning so much? I was the one that was mad.
“Okay, I won’t,” she said and then she smiles. I smile too.
I start walking again. I need to get home. I have been standing there too long. I only have twelve more minutes to get there. I haven’t even passed the red barn yet. I know I should have passed it two minutes ago.
“Wait up, Flynn!” Ellie said, running to catch up with me.
“I haven’t passed the barn yet,” I tell her.
“What?” she asks.
I point to the building ahead of me. I should have passed the barn when my watch said three forty-five. Now it is three forty-nine. This isn’t right. I feel anxious.
“Okay, well let’s hurry up then,” Ellie said and starts to run down the road. I don’t like to run but it is already three forty-nine. I should have passed the red barn at three forty-five.
I start to run. We pass the barn at three fifty.
“Where to next?” Ellie asks after we have slowed down.
“The stream with the four rocks. I’ll see it in four minutes,” I tell her, still walking.
“Cool. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the stream with the four rocks,” she said, pushing her shoulder into mine. I move away from her when she touches me even though I kind of like it. Because she is still smiling. She is really pretty, even though her hair is blue now.
“I hate the blue,” I said, pointing to her head.
Ellie touches her hair and her mouth stops smiling. “Me too,” she said. I don’t understand. If she doesn’t like it, why did she make her hair that color?
“Is that the stream?” she asks, pointing. I look down at my watch. It is only three fifty-three. We have gotten to the pond too early. It should have taken four minutes, not three. I start rubbing my hands. Up and down. Over and over again.
“Hey, what is it?” Ellie asks.
“It should have taken four minutes. Not three! Four!” I said, feeling upset.
Ellie laughs. “It’s okay, Flynn. That just means we’ll get to where you’re going that much quicker. No need to get upset about it,” she said.
I look at my watch. Ellie puts her hand over it and I pull away.
“Stop it!” I tell her, feeling mad again.
“Stop looking at your watch. It’s okay if it takes us a little longer. What’s the big deal?”
I point at my watch and the list of times Mom had made. “It was supposed to take four minutes! Not three!” I yell. Why can’t she see it?
Ellie takes the paper and looks at it. “Is this for real?” she asks and I don’t understand what she is saying.
“I’m supposed to be at the purple mailbox in three minutes. See,” I said, pointing to the paper, still feeling upset.
Ellie is frowning again. I like it better when she smiles.
“What’s wrong with you?” she asks me and my stomach twists up. Everyone always asks me that. I don’t understand why they ask me that.
“I have to get to the purple mailbox,” I said, taking the paper from her hands and folding it back up along the creases.
Ellie walks beside me. I don’t want her asking me that question again. That question makes me angry and worried.
“There’s the purple mailbox,” Ellie said and her voice is funny. I look at my watch and am happy to see it has taken three minutes just like Mom said it would.
“Five minutes and I’ll be home,” I said, feeling good. I like being at home.
“Can I come with you?” Ellie asks and she makes a strange noise. Like she is trying to cough up something.
“Stop making that noise. My dog makes that noise when he’s swallowed a bone. Did you swallow something?” I ask her.
Ellie shakes her head. “You say the craziest shit, Flynn. No, I didn’t swallow anything. I was just hoping we could hang out for a while.”
“Does that mean you’re my friend now?” I ask. I hope she is my friend. I want a friend. And I like Ellie. Except when she is mean. Then I don’t like her at all.
Ellie kicks something. “Yeah. I guess so. I’ll be your friend if you want.”
I smile at her. “I really want you to be my friend, Ellie,” I said.
And Ellie is smiling again and I know she is happy.
“I think I like you too, Flynn. Even if you say a lot of weird crap.”
“I’ll try not to say weird crap,” I said. I want her to be her friend. I don’t want to say weird crap and make her mad at me.
Ellie laughs and I smile bigger. “I like when you say weird crap, Flynn. It’s sort of funny.”
“Don’t laugh at me. I don’t like that,” I said, worrying that she’ll start being mean again.
“No Flynn. I won’t laugh at you. Only with you. Cool?”
I don’t know what she means but I can tell she isn’t laughing at me so I feel okay.
“You can come to my house. You can have some of my mom’s banana bread. She makes it every day for me,” I tell her; happy she wants to come with me.
“Your mom makes you banana bread every day?” she asks me.
I nodded. “Every day. It’s my favorite.”
Ellie is quiet again. I look at my watch. Three minutes until I will be home.
“Can I stop to pick some flowers?” Ellie asks, pointing at the yellow flowers on the side of the road.
“I have to get home,” I tell her, crossing over the wooden bridge that leads into the woods by my house.
I know where I am. I like knowing where I am.
Ellie stops following me. I look down at my watch. I have two minutes. But I don’t want to leave Ellie by herself.
So I stop. I cover my watch with my hand so I can’t look at it. And I wait for Ellie while she picks the yellow flowers with the black dots in the middle.
I am going to be late. I have two minutes.
But I won’t leave Ellie by herself.
She comes back and starts walking with me. She holds the flowers and twists the stems together into a knot. She isn’t smiling anymore. Her mouth is turned down again.
Then she throws the flowers into the stream by the road. Why did she pick them and then throw them away?
“Why did you do that?” I ask, pointing to the flowers in the water.
“They’re too pretty,” she said.
“Like you,” I tell her. And that makes her smile. I am glad I said it.
She looks at me and I drop my eyes. I can’t look at her. It makes me feel strange.
“I’m too pretty?” she asks, her voice rising but she is still smiling.
I nod. “You’re beautiful.”
It is true. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Much prettier than the lady on television that reads the news. She makes me feel funny inside too. But Ellie is prettier. She makes my stomach turn. I like her.
I don’t look at her though. I have to get home. I should have been home one minute ago.
But then Ellie takes my hand. I try to pull away but she won’t let me. I don’t want her to touch me. But she won’t let go.
Her fingers go between mine and it feels really strange. I don’t like people touching me. But I think I like Ellie touching me. My stomach turns again and I feel a tingling lower in my body. I have never felt that before. I don’t know what it is. It makes me nervous.
“I like you, Flynn. A lot,” she said and I look up at her. She isn’t looking at me but she is still smiling.
“I like you too, Ellie,” I said and she squeezes my hand and then drops it. My fingers curl up and I hate that she wasn’t touching me anymore.
I like it.
I like her.
A lot.
And she likes me.
I am happy.