I scowl into the darkness. “What is this? Some kind of weird pity party?” I snort. “If you’re fishing for compliments, you’ve come to the wrong place. I know nothing about your sex life, and even if I did, I wouldn’t be stroking your ego while lying beside you in the dark, in handcuffs.”
The moment the words leave my mouth I feel the atmosphere change. As if bringing attention to our overtly sexual predicament woke our libidos up—not that mine was ever asleep.
I feel the mattress move as Daren shifts. “I wasn’t asking you to stroke my ego,” he says. “I was just explaining why I take pride in my sexual prowess. Some guys are good at sports, or playing guitar, or making money… and I’m good at sex.” He says this like it’s a fact and not his ego on parade.
“Well good for you,” I say, and just to piss him off I add, “I’m sure you’re a solid six in bed.”
“A si—” He mocks a gasp. “That’s just mean.”
“A six is generous,” I say. “Most guys are a two.”
“Obviously you’ve been sleeping with the wrong guys.”
Tell me about it.
My sexual history isn’t exciting. I’ve slept with three guys. The first was my high school boyfriend. He was an okay guy and sex with him wasn’t horrible, but it also wasn’t amazing. I’m pretty sure the only reason he dated me was because of sex. He didn’t seem too interested in me otherwise. But I didn’t know better at the time.
My second sexual partner was a wannabe musician I worked with at the diner. He was five years older than me, covered in tattoos, and decent in bed. But that was all he ever wanted to do. Day in and day out. Sex, sex, sex. I eventually got sick of being his on-call orgasm and broke up with him. He cried. Actually shed tears. But the next night he went home with another waitress. I guess his broken heart mended quickly.
The last guy I slept with was my ex-boyfriend, Jeremy. He was a meathead who loved parading me around town like I was his show pony. He always wanted me to get dressed up so he could take me out and “be seen.” And sex with him was a minimal-kissing lights-always-on event that made me feel kind of used. Three months into our relationship, I realized he knew nothing about me other than what I looked like, and when I brought that to his attention, he didn’t seem too bothered by my concern and instead turned all the lights on and asked me to get naked. I dumped his ass on the spot.
It seemed like I was nothing more than an ass and a pair of boobs when it came to guys. So after dumping Jeremy, I decided I didn’t need to share my body with anyone else unless they were going to see the person inside. The me that existed beneath my lips and breasts.
I have yet to come across such a guy.
“How’s your wrist feeling?” Daren says, lightly moving our cuffs.
I turn my hand over. “It’s okay, I guess. It’s a little sore, but not bad.”
“Mine too,” he says. “I’ll try to take it easy tomorrow so you don’t end up with any bruises.”
“Thanks,” I say.
He shifts. “These things really are uncomfortable.”
“Yeah. I definitely understand why people use the fuzzy kind for sex play.”
He laughs. “Tell me, Kayla. Have you ever used the fuzzy kind—or any other kind of restraints—for ‘sex play’? I bet you have. I bet you’re into all sorts of kinky things.”
I roll my eyes. “Not everyone is a whore like you.”
“Ooh. Ouch.” The bed squeaks as he turns to face me. “Why do you think I’m a whore? Because I have sex with a lot of girls?”
“No. I think you’re a whore because you’re not picky about the girls you have sex with.”
“How would you know?”
“Because all I heard about growing up is how you’d slept with half the town—and that was just when we were in high school.”
“Wow. Your Lana friend sure was a blabbermouth,” he says, sounding slightly offended.
“So you admit the rumors were true.”
“In my defense, the town is pretty small.” He scoffs. “And excuse me if we can’t all get our validation from people merely looking at us.”
I scowl into the dark, feeling my playful energy fade away with the insult. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that of course you can be picky about who you sleep with,” he says. “You feel good about yourself every single day. All you have to do is step out into public and everyone within a five-mile radius starts to drool over your beauty. I don’t get that kind of validation just by waking up. I have to work for my self-worth. And I happen to be really good at sex. So forgive me if I like to feel good about myself.”
My blood boils. What he just said is everything I fight against being seen as. It’s the reason people don’t give me a chance and why I try so hard to change their minds. And Daren just used it against me.
I turn the light on and whip my face to him. “First of all, my good looks don’t give me my self-worth. There’s more to me than just my boobs or my butt or my face. But people can’t see me—the real me—because they’re too busy staring at me. My heart and mind are invisible. I’m a person, and people forget that. They forget that I can hurt and be insecure, just like anyone else. Second, you having sex to feel good about yourself is complete and total bullshit. I don’t care how good you are in bed, Daren. You’re valuable simply because you’re you. We all are.”
I snap the light off and flop back on the pillow. My blood is no longer boiling but my heart is pounding ferociously. Maybe it was mean to call him out like that, but I’ve been watching him struggle all day to maintain that casual confidence and playboy attitude of his, all the while thinking he was just trying to piss me off.
But now that I know his false arrogance comes from a place of insecurity and not a need to annoy the crap out of me, I can’t just let him get away with believing that’s who he is and all he’s worth. That would be as bad as me believing my importance is derived from the way I look. And no one deserves to feel that way. Especially Daren.