I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I’m just so tired and my head hurts so much. I can’t fight the voices anymore. I’ve tried so hard but I can’t. I’ve failed everyone. The world is hating me. I’ve hurt everyone. Especially you. It’s unforgiveable. I need you and Lyric to be happy. I can’t let the voices and the monsters get you, too. They’re getting louder and louder and closer and closer. So loud I can’t hear my own thoughts anymore. I’m sure you’ve heard them in my head. I’m so confused all the time. It’s hard to remember everything. The pain of it is killing me. I’m killing me.
Please tell Lyric I love her. Thank you for bringing her into my life. Thank you for loving Acorn. I’m so sorry about the baby. I think he was sick like me and he heard the voices already. Thank you for always loving me and showing me what hope feels like. Thank you for giving me a chance, and for calming my soul. Thank you for letting me love you. I only made it this far because of you. You kept me going. You made me fight, but I’m not strong enough anymore. I wish I was.
I’ll watch over you, I will. I’ll always be with you. You’re the only place I’ve ever felt quiet and loved and cared for. I’ll spend eternity loving you. I’m never leaving you.
I’m so sorry, baby. You deserve so much better. I loved everything we had, but I don’t deserve any of it.
I’m going to fly now, I’m going to be free. Be happy for me. He says it will take all the bad away.
I love you like no tomorrow. Always. Always. Always.
Blue
My heart is broken—shattered—and all the pieces have fallen into the pit of my burning stomach.
I was wrong. I didn’t know Blue. Not this Blue. As my tears fall onto the note and blur the words into tiny puddles, I’m not sure who I knew at all.
Chapter Fifty-Four
My broken heart is nothing compared to how broken Blue is. He’s lying in a hospital bed with a broken ankle, a broken leg, four cracked ribs, a broken wrist, a dislocated shoulder, a fractured skull, and bruises and lacerations covering eighty percent of his body.
I only know all this because the doctor is telling us.
They found muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, anti-depressants, and painkillers in his system. Reece confirmed they also found those same pills in Blue’s room—some of them in prescription bottles prescribed to Evan Von Bleu.
I’ve never seen Blue put a pill in his mouth and now I’m wondering if he hid them from me, or just never took them when we were together.
The doctor is also telling Reece and me that when Blue was awake, which wasn’t for long, he was laughing one minute and crying the next.
Hearing that both devastates and petrifies me. What’s happening to him?
“Can we see him?” I ask the doctor. I need to see him with my own eyes, touch my lips to his, hear his breathing. I need to see for myself that he’s alive.
“No. It’s still too soon.”
Too soon? Is he crazy? It’s been too long.
I step forward. “I’m his fiancée. Please let me see him. I’m sure he wants to see me... he’s hurt, and probably scared… I can make him feel better, comfort him….”
The doctor shakes his head. “I apologize, but we cannot allow visitors until he has a psych eval. I understand your position, Miss Karel, and I know this is hard.” He glances at Reece. “And I also understand we’re dealing with a patient who is going to have a lot of people asking about him and wanting to see him, possibly attempting to sneak into his room and get information. We’ve moved him to a private room. Our priority is to do what’s best for Mr. Von Bleu and get him well, physically and mentally. That being said, I think you all need to prepare yourself for a very long recovery. Not just for his physical injuries, but for his mental and emotional recovery as well.”
Mental recovery? Blue is exhausted, and had a bout of depression compounded by stress. He needs to rest and get away from the crazy stress of the band and the fans. It’s too much for him. Hell, it would probably be too much for anyone. He’s not mental.
This doctor has to understand that I need to do something for the man I love. “Can I bring him some things and let the nurse give it to him then? Like his favorite dinner and breakfast? And his guitar? He always sleeps with his favorite guitar in his room.”
“We can talk about diet tomorrow, but it will most likely be a few days before he’ll have any interest in food. He can’t have any objects in the room that he could use to harm himself. His room has been cleared and he has a round-the-clock guard in there to watch him.”
A guard?
“I don’t understand why I can’t watch him, then. I’m more than happy to sit with him. I’ll just read or watch television. He’s not going to like a stranger in his room.”
The doctor won’t budge. “I’m sorry, but we can’t allow you to do that. Once he does accept visitors, it will be with his approval only. You’ll also have to remove any objects and clothing that could be used to harm himself or someone else. The nurse will go over all that with you.”
“For God’s sake, he’s not a criminal.” I look from the doctor to Reece. I don’t understand any of this.
“We understand that, Miss Karel. I can assure you, this is all for his own safety. I suggest you folks go home and get some rest, and we’ll see how he’s doing tomorrow. I promise he’s in good hands.” He hands me a plastic bag he’s been holding. “These are his belongings.”
Reece walks me back to the main lobby. “You should go to your hotel, have some dinner, call your daughter. It’s late and we’re all exhausted. We can meet back here tomorrow morning. Maybe we can convince one of the doctors to let us see him. We’re going to have to release a statement, too, since obviously the rest of our dates are cancelled now. I’ll talk to Vic about it.”
I don’t want to leave. I want to park my ass right outside the door of Blue’s room and be as close to him as I possibly can. I know as soon as he wakes up he’s going to want me close to him and I don’t want him to feel alone for a second. I don’t even know if he knows I’m here.
“Reece, please make sure nothing bad is written about him. Nobody needs to know what happened, right? Can you just tell everyone it was an accident?”
Blue would never want the entire world to know that he attempted to take his own life. Especially after he’s worked so hard to fix his reputation. And I don’t ever want Lyric to read about this or hear about it. It would completely devastate her.
“We’ll do what we can but it’s really hard to keep things like this a secret, Piper. Blue is easily recognizable and I’m sure at least fifty hospital staff have seen him already. We can’t make those people be quiet. They can run their mouths all they want.”
“That’s insane. Isn’t it illegal and unethical for them to talk about patients? And to give out their names?”
“Fuck yeah it is, but it will be impossible for the hospital to figure out who leaked the info. All the news has to say is ‘a source suggested’ or ‘possible suicide attempt.’ Our lawyers can’t stop rumors and that’s all they need for a good story. There’s no such thing as true privacy once you’re anything close to famous.”
“That’s awful.” I’m disgusted. “I don’t understand why I can’t see him. I’m not going to bother him, I just want to be there for him, so he’s not alone.”
“I know, but it’s protocol. He attempted suicide. He heard voices, took a handful of pills, and jumped off a roof. They’re not going to just let him waltz around and let people wander in and out of his room. Any one of us could be a trigger for him. He might try to do it again. They have to protect him. Even if it’s from us.”
I blink at him as everything slowly starts to truly sink in. Up until now, I think I’ve been in shock, operating on a sort of autopilot, just trying to get through it all without losing my mind and falling apart.
But Reece’s words just whipped me out of the daze and into the scary, harsh reality.
Blue tried to kill himself.
He’s been battling feelings inside that were so terrible, so scary, and so overwhelming that he wanted to end his own life to escape them—and I never even knew. I saw tiny glimpses of his struggles, but nothing like this. He said he heard voices. A chill creeps up my spine when I think about what that could mean. And how long has this all been going on? He never talked to me about it. He didn’t give me, or anyone else, a chance to help him. He didn’t even say goodbye.
He was going to leave me.
Again.
Forever.
Chapter Fifty-Five