She sits on the floor next to me, in the same position I’m sitting.
“Blue’s not okay, is he?” Her soft voice could have been a horrific scream and it would have had the same gut-wrenching effect on me.
“What makes you say that?” I ask, forcing a smile.
“I guess I kinda feel like something’s wrong inside.”
She knew he looked sad that night. She asked me why he looked so sad, but I didn’t see it. Oh, how I wish I had.
I realize I can’t lie to her anymore. She’s too intuitive—too wise beyond her years—to have blinders pulled over her.
“Well… no. He’s going through a rough time right now. He’s been emotionally exhausted for a long time, and he’s been…confused.” She listens intently, nodding as if she understands, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she does. “He had a very difficult childhood, and the memories of that still hurt him and make him feel sad and sick. Does that make sense?”
“Yes.”
“So he’s in a special hospital for a little while, and they’re helping him rest, and they’re going to give him medicine that will make his head stop hurting and make him not so sad.” I can’t bring myself to tell her he tried to harm himself. Not when she’s looking at me with her huge, hopeful eyes.
“Will I see him again?”
“Yes, definitely. I promise you, he’ll be back. Actually his friend Reece called me this morning, and he said that Blue said to tell you he loves you and he misses you very much.”
“Can I call him and tell him I love and miss him, too?”
“Not yet, but I promise as soon as we can talk to him on the phone, we will.”
Disappointment puts a frown on her face. “Okay. I sorta thought something was wrong when he was writing the bird prints in his book and asked me if I could read it. I hope he feels better soon, I really miss him. Are you still getting married?”
If I have anything to do with it, then hell yes, we’re getting married.
“Of course we are, it’s just postponed until he feels better. Don’t worry, okay? Come here and give me a hug.” Smiling, she crawls across the floor and hugs me, then tells me she’s going to take Mickey in the backyard to teach him how to do new tricks.
It’s not until I hear her outside with the dog that I remember what she said about the bird prints and Blue’s book. Confused, I go to the closet where he keeps some of his things, and sure enough, one of his old journal books are in there. I pull it out and flip through a few pages of journal entries until I get to a page of the scribbles—only now I see they’re not just random scribbles as I’ve always thought. They’re actually bird tracks.
What the hell? Here’s a huge red flag that’s been right in front of me for years and I was completely clueless.
I wonder how many people with mental illness are walking around suffering in silence, smiling on the outside, and doing things like this that their friends and loved ones are just passing off as being weird, never realizing that they might need help.
Maybe I never did enough, or said enough. I always let Blue lead. I always waited for him. That couldn’t have been good for me, or for him.
I grab my phone and send Reece a text:
Me: Can I write Blue a letter? Can you give it to him if I send it to you?
Reece: Yeah…as long as it’s not harsh on him.
Me: OMG no, I’m not going to say anything bad.
Reece: His doctor might read it first, or with him. Just so you know.
Me: I understand. That’s ok.
Reece: Send it to me and I’ll bring it to him next time I see him. Should be in a little over a week.
I go to the kitchen and find a stationary set someone gave me as a gift at the office holiday party a long time ago, and I sit at the table and write a letter:
Dear Blue,
You’ve written me so many letters over the years, but I’ve never written any to you. Don’t say I sent you emails, because those don’t count. ;-)
Reece called me today. I’m sure you already know this, but he’s been incredibly sweet and helpful. He gave me your message that you love me and I want you to know I love you, too. Please know that, and believe it. I love you with all my heart. Nothing has changed that. Nothing will ever change that. I miss your smile and your laugh and I am missing the hell out of your pancakes.
Lyric misses you, too. She’s learning so many cool songs that she can’t wait to play for you. We’ve taught Mickey new tricks. He’s such a great dog and I’m so glad we adopted him.
I met your sister, Ellie. I like her. When she met me, I think she thought you were engaged to a teenager. LOL. I think your voice is better than hers. ;-)
She told me some things but I want you to know it doesn’t change a thing from my end. You’re still the man I love and the man I choose to spend my life with. That’s not going to change. You have nothing to worry about when it comes to me, and us. The ladybugs put us together, remember? They knew what they were doing.
Reece told me you’re going to go public and I stand behind you 100%. You have nothing to be ashamed of in any way. You’re a strong, talented, amazing man. I’m proud of you.
I know you need time. I understand. I know a new Blue may come out of this, and I’m here to meet him. I love Evan, I love Blue. I love all the parts that make you YOU. If you’re afraid to see me, or talk to me, please don’t be. We can get through this together. Let me be here for you. I’ve loved you since I met you. I’ve been yours since you screwed my brains out under the bridge. ;-) You’re my one and only and my everything. I’ve loved you at your best and I’ve loved you at your worst and I’m going to continue to love you through anything and everything. Even if you decide you can’t have me in your life anymore, I’ll still love you, and Lyric will still be part of your life. I promise.
I’m still wearing your ring, and I’m still planning on spending my life with you, if you still want that, too.
I love you, always.
Piper xo
I carefully fold it, put it in its matching envelope, and address it to Reece. I can’t just sit and wait for Blue to contact me while he’s in a hospital worrying that I might hate him or that I don’t want him anymore or that there’s no chance for us anymore. Screw that. I’m making the first move, whether it’s right or wrong—I feel like he needs to know I’m okay, and that I still love him no matter what.
Chapter Sixty-One
My hands shake so bad as I read Piper’s letter I can hardly read the words.
Breathe, Evan.
All the words I needed to hear are right here on this light pink paper with the faint purple butterfly in the corner. This paper came from her kitchen drawer with the wiggly knob under the coffee maker. I know because it smells like the tiny vanilla candles she keeps in that drawer. Sometimes when we sit on the back porch late at night we light those candles for ambience. It’s a hint of home, and a flood of memories of her naked on my lap with the glow of flickering flames dancing on her skin and holy fuck, her words and the scent practically suck me into a portal and transport me right back to her and her cozy little house.
This is what I needed to help pull me out of the lingering haze I’ve been fighting to get out of for the past few weeks.
Since I’ve been in therapy, I’ve tried to look at my jump—as I’ve appropriately nicknamed it—as a new start. A reset. I was at my lowest low, ever, when I was admitted. That’s pretty low considering the shit I’ve done in my life. A deep, dark hole was holding me prisoner with no hope of ever finding a way out. Humiliation, regret, and shame consumed me for not only doing what I did, but for failing so horribly at it.
And the very worst part—for committing the ultimate betrayal to the woman I love. I promised her a future, and then I ripped it away from her in the worst way possible, along with her heart and her trust and her years of patience and unconditional love. I’m sure for the lover left behind, suicide is the most evil form of breaking up imaginable.