8
OCTO
Finn
JumpJumpJumpJumpJumpJumpJumpJumpYouF*ckingCowardJump.
“Hey,” Calla’s voice is soft from my doorway.
I yank away from my open bedroom windows as though the sills are on fire. I’d seen Calla walk up the path with him, but I hadn’t realized she was already back in the house.
“Hey,” I stammer, as I move far away from the windows and try to tune out the f*cking voices that taunt me. “About earlier. Are you mad?”
Calla sinks onto my bed, sitting on her hands. She stares at me hesitantly.
“No. I’m just worried. You know why.”
I do. My journal. I also know that she still hadn’t ratted me out to my dad. Because she knows my deepest fear… of being locked away.
YouDeserveChainsChainChainsChains.
I grit my teeth.
“Don’t be worried, Cal. I’ve got this.”
She takes a breath so shaky that I can hear it from here. “This is the thing. I haven’t told dad about the things I read because I’m taking it on myself to make sure you’re fine. That you stay safe. That you get better. If I’m not with you to do my job and everything blows up, then that’s on me. And I don’t want to live with the guilt of something like that. I carry enough guilt already.”
My heart feels like a concrete block as I stare at her vulnerability.
“Calla, mom’s accident wasn’t your fault. You know that.”
Her eyes are so bleak as she stares back at me. “Do I?”
“We’ve told you a hundred times, Cal. You called. She didn’t have to pick up the phone. It was raining so hard. She should’ve let it go to voicemail. That was her choice. Not yours. She crossed the center-line. Not you.”
Calla closes her eyes. “Either way. I wouldn’t be able to stand it if something happened to you. Do you understand?”
I swallow hard. “Yes. But I promise. I’ll be ok.”
She raises an eyebrow. “Promise?”
“Repromissionem,” I assure her, my entire being forcing out the lie. It comes out sounding like truth which is fine because honestly, I don’t know the true answer to this question.
Sound normal.
She rolls her eyes. “Again. Two syllables are easier.”
I smile. “What did you need, anyway?”
Her eyes widen, then narrow. “I just wanted to check on you. I hate it when you seem off. It makes me nervous.”
“Don’t be. Nervous, I mean,” I tell her. “It’s ok.”
She nods. “Ok.”
But she isn’t convinced and there’s nothing I can do to make her that way. I know her better than the back of my hand, so I know that.
“I just wanted to say goodnight,” she tells me finally. “And that I love you. And that if you change your mind, even if it’s the last minute, it’s fine. I hate the idea of being apart, Finn. But more than that, I just want you to be ok. So if this is what you need, I’ll try to be ok with it.”
Her eyes fill up with tears and she looks away, but I reach out a hand and lay it on hers. She looks at me, her chin quivering.
“It’ll be ok.” My voice is assured. Confident. “I’ll be ok.”
She nods.
“Reprommissionem?” Her voice is still shaky.
“Promise.”
Lie.