The funeral was like all the others. Sad, painful, and wrapped in despair. Rebecca was in the corner speaking with the priest, and Henry stood greeting and thanking the guests who showed up. Which was a lot of guests—most of our senior class came.
I looked over and saw Avery standing with Hailey, tears rolling down his face. Hailey hugged him and didn’t dare tell him that everything was going to be okay.
“Hello, everyone. I am Father Evans. If we could all head inside, I believe we are ready to get started with the service.”
My hands smoothed over the black dress I’d worn to Gabby’s funeral, and I prided myself on my ability of not having cried thus far during the day. There were so many tears that had fallen in the hospital room, in the car, and in the house. So I promised myself to do my best to be the strong one in the church. When others broke down, I would stand strong for them.
The service went on, and many tears were shed from others. I sat in between Hailey and Rebecca in the front pew. Rebecca hadn’t said much since the accident, but I sat there squeezing her knee, which was rapidly tapping against the ground. I tried my best to read her emotions. She had to feel guilty for pushing Ryan away. For having isolated him in such a manner. She had to have wished it had been her in the car and not her baby boy. She had to be dead inside.
Blame wouldn’t do anyone any good though.
Not today.
It came time for people to give short speeches about Ryan and the short life he’d lived on this planet, and many stepped up, some cracking jokes, others cracking tears. I turned to Hailey, who’d told me earlier that she’d planned on saying a few words, but her gaze fell to the floor.
“I can’t… I can’t.” She wiped away a tear and stood, walking out of the church.
I didn’t know if I should follow her or aid Rebecca, whose shivers were growing more and more in-depth. Her breaths started picking up, and I felt as if a panic attack were about to overtake her.
Edging myself closer to her, I whispered into her ear, “He loved you. He still loves you. It’s okay to cry.”
The tears rolled down her cheeks and she nodded, her heavy breaths growing softer until she began to breathe like the sea at rest.
I turned to see Jake sitting in one of the pews, his eyes watering over. I frowned toward him. He gave me a simple nod before he walked out to check on Hailey.
Father Evans called for one last speaker, and when I looked up to see Daniel walking forward, my breath caught in my throat. When he reached the podium, he looked directly toward me. His eyes were deep wells of compassionate gloom. He reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a piece of paper, unfolding it before him.
“I wasn’t sure that I would be able to stand up here today. Um, I’ve known Ryan only for a semester, but if you knew Ryan, a day was all you needed to fall in love with the guy. He was a jokester but always such a wise, intelligent kid. It was when he wrote his first paper in my English 12 AP class that I realized how deep and complex the mind of Ryan Turner traveled. We had an assignment at the beginning of the year…” Daniel paused, clearing his throat, fighting back the tears. He shifted his body around a bit to try to fight the emotions, but he was losing the battle. “Sorry,” he muttered, turning away from the microphone and running his hands over his face.
When he returned, I could see the redness in his eyes that ran deep into his very being. “We had an assignment at the beginning of the year… I asked the students where they saw themselves in five years. Who they wanted to be. And I held on to Ryan’s paper and would like to read it to you.” His shoulders rolled back and he stood tall, holding the paper in his hands. “‘What do I want to be when I grow up? Mr. D, that seems to be a very heavy question for someone my age. Life is hard and adults are always telling us ‘kids’ that it just gets worse as time passes. I’ve been trying my best to understand what keeps people going, what keeps them reaching for something greater in this world. Belief? Hope? Passion?
“‘I’m gay, Mr. D. I’ve never said those words to a teacher, but the way you walked into class on the first day with so many nerves made me realize that I can trust you. You’re just as afraid of some secret as I am. So I thought I would share my secret with you. But my sexuality shouldn’t define me, right? There’s so much more to me. I like thunderstorms. I love baseball. I think rock music is the best music. I have blue eyes. I hate peas. My blood bleeds red and my heart cries sometimes, just like yours, I suppose.
“‘You know what I can’t understand? I can’t understand how the people who are meant to love you unconditionally are the ones who turn on you in a heartbeat. Lately, I had to convince myself that it wasn’t me who she turned on, it wasn’t me who she blamed for Dad’s death—she loves me. I know she does. She just can’t comprehend the different ways that love can work. Ways only us teenagers can grasp before the land of adulthood takes away our magic, our wonder. Being a teenager is a curse and a gift. It’s the age where fairytales cease to exist and Santa isn’t real but parts of our hearts want to say ‘What if…’
“‘It’s the time where you feel everything but everyone claims you are just overreacting. You and the guidance office and society throw out strong questions that we teens have no clue how to answer. Who are we? Where do we see ourselves in five years? What do we want to be? The most frightening thing to me is picking a study, choosing a life path to follow at such a young, na?ve age. No one knows who they are at our age. No one has a damn clue where they will be in five years. The last question is my favorite: What do we want to be? That’s the easy one.’”
Daniel paused and looked over to me, quoting the last part of Ryan’s powerful letter. “'Alive. I want to be alive, and I have no idea why, seeing how hideous life is at times. Maybe it’s belief, hope, and passion all wrapped into one shape that rests inside my chest. Perhaps my heart is just praying for better tomorrows to replace all of those shitty yesterdays. So to answer your question in a very depressing, teenage-angst manner, I want to be alive when I grow up. So now I ask you, Mr. D. What do you want to be when you grow up? Because growing never stops, and dreaming rarely ceases.’”
The room filled with a silence that even the gods of the earth found unsteady. Daniel folded up the piece of paper and slipped it back into his pocket. He spoke into the microphone and smiled a sad grin. “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But if there’s anyone I want to be like when I do, it’s that young man who wrote those words. I want to be unafraid of the outcome of life. I want to remember to breathe in the laughter and cherish the tears. I want to dive into hope and land in love. I want to be alive when I grow up because…I have never been alive in all of my life. And I think the least we can do, in order to honor Ryan, is to start living today. And forgive ourselves for all of the shitty yesterdays.”
On the steps of the church stood Hailey and Jake. The winter breeze was unkind to any bare skin. I watched as Jake whispered something to her and she nodded in understanding.
“Jake.” He turned my way at the sound of my voice. I nodded him over to me. He glanced at her and then moved back toward me.
He stepped in close. “She’s pretty wrecked, Ashlyn.”
“I know.”
The sad grin he gave me almost broke my heart. “She blames you.”
“I know.”
He stared out into the distance, his hands in his pockets. “Pretty much the whole senior class showed up in there for him. Everyone loved the guy. Did you know he was the king at our junior prom last year?” He took a deep inhale. “How do you get to a point where you feel that alone?”
There wasn’t an answer to that question. I thought that’s what hurt people the most—the unanswered questions.
His thumb and pointer finger pinched the bridge of his nose and he closed his eyes. “Look, Ashlyn. I know this probably isn’t the right time, but…” He sighed. “The guy you gave your heart to… Why isn’t he here?”
My voice cracked. I shifted my eyes. “You’re right, Jake. It’s not the right time.”
“Yeah. Right. But…” His voice shook. “Ryan’s dead. And when people die, you get thinking about the things unsaid. The things you were too afraid to say. And I’m about to go away for Christmas break to visit my grandparents in Chicago, so I’m just going to say it now—”
“Jake—”
“I hate him. Whoever the guy is who isn’t here for you—I hate him for leaving you alone today.” My eyes watered up from his words. He reached for his tie and loosened it. “I know you probably think that I was just into you because of your body. Yes, at first, that was why. You’re gorgeous, Ash. But then each day in chemistry you would show up and you would talk. And then I realized how much I liked the way you spoke.
“And then I realized how much you had to say and how much the world deserved to hear your thoughts. And then I thought about how much I would love you if you ever let me in. Then I thought maybe if I cleaned up my act, maybe if I stopped smoking pot or got into college or got a library card or something, then maybe you would love me, too.”
“I do love you, Jake.”
He laughed. “Don’t give me that friendship bullshit. It’s fine, really. I just… I needed to say it. No regrets, right?”
I leaned in, kissed his cheek, and whispered, “Please hug me now.” His arms wrapped around me. I breathed him in and held on to him tight. “Don’t let go yet, okay?” He pulled me in closer.
After the hug, Jake reentered the church. My footprints landed against the fallen snow as I moved in Hailey’s direction. “Hey, Hails.”
She tightened her arms, which lay across her body. Her lips pressed together. It seemed that her focus was on something across the street.
I continued. “I’m so sorr—”
“You know what I don’t understand?” she said, cutting in. “You were supposed to be with him.” Her body rotated in my direction in a haunting fashion. “You were supposed to watch over him for one night. One night! Where the hell were you, Ashlyn?!”
Words. There were so many different words, different phrases in the world, yet I couldn’t develop one.
She puffed a chilled breath. “Exactly.”
“Hailey…when Gabby died—” I started.
“No!” she hissed, holding her hand up to me. “Today isn’t about Ashlyn’s guilt. Today isn’t about Gabrielle. Ryan is dead! You promised!” she cried, choking on air, on her own misery. “You promised to watch after him and now he’s dead!” Her sobs made her words half broken, mere mutters. “Y-you hurt everyone who y-you c-c-come near,” she stuttered. Her gaze fell to the ground. She didn’t mean her words. I knew she didn’t.
If there was anything I remembered from Gabby’s funeral, it was that sometimes it was easier to be mad than to be hurt.
“Who am I supposed to eat lunch with?” her voice whispered. She wrapped her hands over her mouth as a pained cry of sadness left her lips. She continued to sob, her body shuddering. “I’m sorry, Ashlyn. I didn’t mean what I said.”
My arms wrapped around her and I shook my head back and forth. “We don’t do apologies here,” I said, quoting her from the first time I sat at their lunch table. “Because we know harm is never the intent.”
“Theo’s not here,” she cried into my shoulder. “It’s the worst day of my life and he didn’t show up. He said it was against his belief system. Bullcrap if you ask me.” She wiped her eyes and pulled away from me. “The sad thing is, I don’t believe in this, ya know? In coming to a church to mourn in this way. I know Theo isn’t really a Buddhist…but I’m starting to understand the study. I actually love it. And this”—she gestured back to the church—“this doesn’t make sense to me.”
“I can help.” A deep voice was heard, and we turned to see Randy walking toward us. He’d shown up to make sure Daniel didn’t have to be alone after losing someone else in his life. He approached us slowly, not wanting to interrupt. “I know how it is, how painfully unnecessary death can seem. It just feels like you want to get revenge on the world for taking away the things you love.” His head fell and he rubbed his temple. “I’ve studied Buddhism for many years. And if you are interested, we can say a prayer together.”
Hailey’s eyes welled up with tears. Her shoulders dropped. She was on the verge of breaking down again. “I don’t know any prayers. I didn’t study that far into it.”
Randy rushed over to Hailey and kept her from falling, placing his hands on her shoulders. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” He wiped away her fallen tears. “I’ll walk us through it.”
I stepped to the side, watching the two try to find comfort.
He took her hands and his dark-cave eyes looked into her blues. “This will be from The Dedication Chapter from Shantideva’s Bodhicharyavatara.”
Hailey snickered softly, sniffling. “I have no clue what you just said.”
“It’s okay. Just close your eyes. I’ll walk you through it.”
And he did. I watched two complete strangers find comfort with one another in the worst moment known. They didn’t shutdown from the unknown. They welcomed it together. Hailey’s harsh breaths began to relax as she held on to Randy’s hands.
My favorite blessing that Randy brought up was, “May all beings have immeasurable life spans. May they always live happily, and may even the word ‘death’ disappear.”
Sounded good to me.
Everyone headed out of the church to go over to the cemetery. Daniel approached me, not looking to be a lover in front of everyone but just a concerned individual. Yet in my heart I knew he was a concerned lover, and that’s all that mattered.
“How are you?” he whispered. I shrugged. Daniel’s lips turned down, probably seeing my distressed look. “I wish I could hold you and take away all of your hurt.”
I smiled at him and a few tears fell. He moved to wipe them away. “Don’t.” I wiped my own eyes. “Henry,” I muttered.
Daniel frowned and nodded. “I’ll see you later.” He headed for his car.
Turning in the direction to Henry’s truck, I paused when I saw Jace around the side of the church building. He paused, staring at me before he turned and started walking in the opposite direction. I chased after him, calling his name.
“Listen, I get it,” he huffed, turning to face me, “Call the cops. Get me locked up. But I swear to God I didn’t do this! I didn’t give that kid those drugs” He paced back and forth, his forehead spitting out sweat in the cold, cold air. “I didn’t kill that kid!” he screamed in a whisper. I didn’t say anything. I stood staring at him, his blue eyes filled with emotion. His hands ran over his low-cut hair and he bent his knees, lowering himself to the ground. “Oh my God. Did I kill that kid?”
“You have the same eyes,” I said. He looked up, confused. “As Daniel. You both have the same eyes.”
He wiped his hands under his nose and sniffled. “We get them from our dad.” Pulling himself to a standing position, he paused. “Why aren’t you calling the cops?”
“You’re not a child, Jace. If you think you did something wrong, then it should be your responsibility to turn yourself in.” I slightly smirked. “Plus, I’m having a really crappy day, so…”
He laughed and nodded. “I’m sorry. About all of this.” His blue eyes filled with tears. “I’m so f*cking sorry.”
“Yeah. Me too.” My mind danced with something I wasn’t sure I should tell him, but I knew he needed to hear it. “There weren’t any drugs”—I shifted my weight from one leg to the other—“in his system. Ryan drove the car into the tree fully aware of what he was doing.”
“It wasn’t my fault?” he breathed out, resting his hands on top of his hair.
I shook my head back and forth.
A strained smile plastered on his face and he started to turn around. I saw one single tear roll down his cheek as he jammed his hands in his jeans pockets. I knew he didn’t mean for me to hear his next comment. He was speaking to himself, but I did overhear.
“I’ll get clean. I really will this time…” As lightly as the wind blew, his last words left his lips and floated away toward the clouds. “I just wanted back into the band. Maybe he’ll let me back in.”
If there were a heaven, I hoped Jace’s words flew toward its path.
And if there were a God, I hoped he was listening.