“I know,” she said. “I’ll cover for you.”
Neal started a sentence, then stopped. Then started again. “Georgie, I—well, I wasn’t ever sleeping with Dawn.”
“But—” Georgie stopped. “Yes, you were. You were engaged.”
“I never slept with her.” Neal’s voice dropped. “She wanted to wait until marriage. Her first boyfriend was a monster, so she reclaimed her virginity.”
“She reclaimed her virginity?”
“Leave it, Georgie. She can do whatever she wants with her virginity.”
“Right,” Georgie said, nodding her head. “Right . . . It doesn’t sound like such a bad idea, actually. Maybe I’ll reclaim mine before you come back. In the name of Queen Elizabeth.”
Neal sounded like he might have laughed.
“Because she was the virgin queen,” Georgie said.
“I got it.”
Georgie was quiet. Neal had never slept with Dawn. She’d always assumed he’d had lots of fabulous young sex with Dawn. Freshly scrubbed Heartland-teenager sex. “Suckin’ on a chili dog outside the Tastee Freeze,” et cetera.
Did that mean he’d never had sex with anyone but Georgie?
She thought of their first time. At Neal’s apartment, in the middle of the night. Laughing and fumbling with the condom—and Georgie wanting to get past this first time together, so they could get to just being together, whatever that might mean.
Was that Neal’s first time ever?
That’s exactly the sort of thing he wouldn’t tell her. Neal didn’t like to talk about sex. And he didn’t like to talk about before. Before they were together, before Georgie. (He didn’t like to talk about yesterday.) She thought of Neal. Practically a teenager, pale as paper. All concentration and broken concentration, laughing through clenched teeth and touching her like she was made of glass.
Neal.
“You can’t be jealous of Seth,” Georgie offered quietly.
“Really,” he huffed.
“Really. That’s like the sun being jealous of . . .”
“A comparably sized sun?”
“I was going to say the moon.”
“The sun probably is jealous of the moon,” Neal said. “It’s a hell of a lot closer.”
“Seth and I are just friends,” she said. It was true, it had always been true. Best friends—but just friends.
“You and Seth aren’t just anything.”
“Neal . . .”
“He’s your soul mate,” Neal said. And the way he said it, it was like he’d already thought it through—like he’d thought it through and through, like he’d chosen that word intentionally.
Georgie’s jaw dropped against the receiver. “Seth. Is not. My soul mate.”
“Isn’t he? Aren’t you planning your life around him?”
“No.” Georgie leaned forward. Even in 1998, that hadn’t been true. “No. God. I was planning my life around me.”
“Is there a difference?”
“Neal . . .”
“No, Georgie, let’s just get it out there. I’m optional for you—I know that. I know that you love me, I know you want to be with me. But you can imagine your life without me. If I walk away from you now—if I don’t come back—you won’t have to adjust your grand plan. But Seth is your grand plan. It’s obvious. I don’t think you could imagine going twenty-four hours without him.”
“Are you asking me to?”
“No.” Neal sounded dejected. “No. I know . . . what you guys have together. I’d never ask you to choose between us.”
He never had.
Neal had never liked Seth—that hadn’t changed over the years. But he never complained about him. He never complained about all the time Seth and Georgie spent together. About the long hours or the middle-of-the-night texts—or the days when Neal and Georgie took the girls to Disneyland, and Georgie ended up sitting on the curb in Critter Country, talking Seth through some script emergency over the phone.
And Georgie was so grateful for that. For Neal’s acceptance. (Even if it was just resignation.) Sometimes she felt like she was walking a fine, precarious line between the two of them. Like there wasn’t enough of her to be who she needed to be for them both.
If Neal pushed her, or pulled her—if either one of them did—it would all come crashing down.
Georgie would come crashing down.
But Neal never did. He never seemed jealous. Pissed, resentful, tired, bitter, lost—yeah. But not jealous. He’d always trusted her with Seth.
What would Georgie do if Neal did ask her to choose between them?
What would she have done if he’d asked her back in 1998?
She would have been angry. She might have chosen Seth just because Seth wasn’t the one asking her to make the choice. And because Seth came first—chronologically. Seth was grandfathered in.
Georgie hadn’t known back then how much she was going to come to need Neal, how he was going to become like air to her.
Was that codependence? Or was it just marriage?
“You could,” she said.
“What?”
“You could ask me to choose.”
“What?” He sounded surprised. “I don’t want to.”
“I don’t want you to either,” she said. “But you could.”
“Georgie, I’ve seen you two together. You can’t even finish a joke without him.”
“Those are just jokes.”
“Really throwing around the word ‘just’ tonight, aren’t you?”
“You could ask me to choose,” she insisted.
“I don’t want to,” he said, practically growling.
“I wouldn’t even have to think about it, Neal. I’d choose you. I’d choose you again and again and again. Seth is my best friend—I think he’ll always be my best friend—but you’re my future.” Never mind that this wasn’t true yet in 1998. It was going to be true. It was inevitably true. “You’re my whole life.”
Neal exhaled. She could imagine him shaking out his head, blinking. Resetting his jaw.
“Please don’t be jealous of Seth,” she whispered.
He was quiet.
Georgie waited.
“If you promise me that I don’t have to be jealous,” Neal said finally, “that I never have to be jealous, then I won’t be.”
“You never have to be, I promise.”
“Okay,” he said. Then more firmly, “Okay. I’m taking you at your word.”
“Thank you.”
“Now take me at my mine, Georgie, for Christ’s sake—I’m not in love with Dawn. I never really was. Even if you break up with me and crush my heart, I’m never getting back together with Dawn. I know that the world isn’t flat now, I’m not going back.”
“So you’re saying that, if we break up, you’ll definitely hold out for somebody better than Dawn. That’s supposed to make me feel better?”
“You’ve ruined me for Dawn. That’s supposed to make you feel better.”
“Neal, I want to ruin you for everyone.”
“Christ.” His voice got closer, like he was pushing the receiver against his chin. “You have. You don’t have to be jealous of anyone. But especially not of Dawn, okay?”
“Okay,” she said.
He sighed. “Let’s never do this again.”
“Do what?”
“Be jealous and crappy to each other.”
“It’s easier for me than for you,” she said.
“Why?”
“Because you’re right. Seth is worse than an ex-boyfriend. Seth isn’t going anywhere.”
“Do I have any reason to be jealous of Seth?”
“No.”
“Then I’m not. End of story.”