I did it for Kyland. I did it so he'd win.
This is all wrong. This is all wrong.
She pursed her lips, regarding me quizzically. "I did see that you choked on those tests, Tenleigh. I was surprised. You've always been such a good test taker." She waved her hand in the air. "But, evidently, the scholarship is based on more than final test scores—you have to understand that your whole four years here is taken into consideration . . . how many AP classes you took, what extracurricular activities you were involved in, things of that nature."
The truth was, I hadn't been involved in many extracurricular activities. We couldn't afford them, and I'd had to work. This couldn't be right. And yet . . . it was.
I wondered briefly if this had anything to do with my mother. I sat up straight in the chair. Had Mr. Kearney given me this scholarship to get our family out of town? But how would that work? It's not like I could take anyone with me. What? Would my mama and Marlo sleep in my dorm room bunk bed with me? Of course not. I was desperate and so confused.
"I want to transfer it into someone else's name," I said, looking at her pointedly.
She frowned. "That's not possible. I'm sorry, but, that's absolutely not possible. It's all been arranged." She stood up and came around her desk and took my hands in hers, looking at me kindly. "Tenleigh, you won this. It's yours. I know," she bit her lip, "well, I know sometimes it's hard to accept things when you're not used to having a lot, but please, dear Tenleigh, let yourself feel happiness and pride in this. You did it. You did all the work involved to win this. You deserve it. It's yours."
My shoulders sagged, but I nodded. "Thank you, Mrs. Branson." I got up and walked out of her office. Yes, I earned it, but I no longer wanted it. It had to go to Kyland. He needed this more than I did.
I left school and fast-walked all the way back to Dennville. This wasn't right. I wouldn't leave him. We'd make other plans. I didn't want to leave Kentucky. I didn't want to go to college. I wanted Kyland's love and I wouldn't let it go, not for a college education, not for anything. I wouldn't. It was foolish, but I didn't care. The only thing I wanted in this world was him. Near the base of our hill, I stopped and sat down on a rock on the side of the dirt road, taking a piece of paper out of my backpack, and scrawling out a quick list. Then I got up and ran the rest of the way.
I was huffing and sweaty when I got to Kyland's door and pounded on it. He had left the assembly, so surely he'd come back here? I heard footsteps and waited. After a minute, he opened his door slowly, staring out at me. I stared back at him, my breath coming out in ragged exhales.
"Can I come in?" I asked.
He smiled stiffly and opened it wider, inviting me inside. He still hadn't spoken.
When he closed the door behind me and I turned to him, I couldn't help it, I burst into tears. He moved toward me instantly and wrapped me in his arms. "Shh, Tenleigh, why are you crying? I'm so proud of you. You earned this. You earned it." He pulled back and smoothed my hair away from my face. "You're going to go to college." He smiled and it looked sincere and tender—proud. It made me cry harder. I shook my head.
"I don't want to go to college," I said. "I want you to go to college."
He pulled back as if I'd slapped him. "Well, that's not the way it happened. It just didn't. You're going to go—and you're going to get an education. You're going to get out of here, Tenleigh. You're going to have such a beautiful life—a life filled with books and nice clothes, and a house that's heated in the winter, a car, and plenty of food in your refrigerator. You're going to see the ocean." His voice was filled with passion . . . and heartbreak. My own heart felt like it was bleeding in my chest and my eyes filled with tears.
"Kyland," I went toward him and put my hand on his cheek, "I don't care about any of that. I want . . . I want you. I know the last few weeks have been . . . tense, but we can get back to the way it was. I know we can. And I already have books. If I'm cold, we'll warm each other. If I'm hungry, we'll find a way just like we always have." Hope gripped me. Love, that's what I wanted. And I was willing to fight for it. I was willing to be a fool for it. Suddenly, I realized, nothing on this whole earth was more important than love. I moved closer to him. "We'll both get jobs somewhere—who cares where—and we'll rent a little house, we'll plant a garden." My voice rose as I pictured it, the words spilling out faster and faster. I realized I sounded desperate, but I didn't care. I grabbed my backpack and took the list out that I'd written on the side of the road. "I made a list," I said hopefully. "All the things we'll need to save up for before we can move into town. Sometimes writing things down, you know, makes it easier to picture, makes it seem more possible." I glanced down at the piece of paper, shaking in my trembling grasp. "I figure it'll only take us . . ." My words faded away when I noticed Kyland was looking at me with deep pity in his eyes. I stopped talking and his look of pity turned to anger. I dropped my arms, the piece of paper floating to the floor forlornly.
"Don't you dare even say that, Tenleigh," Kyland gritted out. "You have a chance here, a chance at a real life, and you'd turn it down for a shitty little existence with me? Both of us struggling and scrimping and going without until we both hated each other?"
"No," I squeaked out. "That's not how it would be. And I would turn it all down for you." Because it was true. I realized in that instant that I'd throw it all away for him. And I knew that was stupid and reckless and wrong, but it was how I felt. I wouldn't leave him here in this little house or on a lonely highway somewhere hitchhiking out of town. I wouldn't let him suffer and scrounge for food one more day of his life. I wouldn't. Nothing on earth could make me.
He barked out a sharp laugh and I winced. "Love will keep us alive?" he asked, his voice dripping with ugly sarcasm. "You of all people should know what a stupid thing that is to say. Love doesn't keep anyone alive. Food does. Warmth does. Have you, your sister, and your mama been barely surviving on love all this time, Tenleigh?"
I swallowed down a lump of hurt. "I just . . . No." I looked down, but then looked up at him. "Why don't you come with me, then?" My voice cracked on the last word.
"What?"
I moved closer to him. "Come with me. You said you were going to walk out of here. Make your way to California. I'll wait for you. You won't be able to stay with me, but . . . you can get a job, find a place of your own. We can be together there."
I swore I saw longing flit through his expression, but then he turned from me again. "I can't do that."
I looked down, biting my lip. The truth was, that would be difficult. He barely had any money at all. To hitchhike all the way across the country without stopping . . . and then what would he do? Live in a homeless shelter until he got a job? Could you even get a job from a homeless shelter? Where would he get clothes? Could I keep him hidden in my dorm room? Would that risk my scholarship? Okay, so the logistics weren't exactly adding up . . .
"Okay, then listen, I'll go to California, Ky, and when I'm done, I'll come back here and—"
"Don't you dare ever come back here," he yelled, startling me. His eyes were fiery with anger. "Don't you dare go to college and then come back here. Why would you ever even consider that? This is your chance, Tenleigh. Why would you ever come back here? The whole point of this scholarship is that you can get out of Dennville. It's the whole point. There are no jobs here—there's no reason on earth to come back."
I frowned. "The people I love are here—you're here, my mama's here, my sister."
He shook his head. "You finish college and then you get a good job and you pay for them to move to California with you. Then all three of you will have a chance at life."
"I'd come back here for you," I said. "Or you could work for a year, save some money, and then you could come to California. If we have to wait—"
"I can't do that."
"Of course you can," I said. "Anything's possible. We can make it happen. Why can't we?" I asked.
His eyes met mine. "Because Shelly's pregnant," he said.
For a brief second, the words didn't compute. Then, ice water filled my veins. "Shelly's . . ." I trailed off. "What? What does that have to do with you, Kyland?" I asked, my voice breaking on his name.
"I have to stay here," he said in barely more than a whisper.
The world around me swayed, and my face turned hot. "I don't understand," I said. "How could . . . It's yours? I don't . . ." I backed up and when I felt the wall behind me, I leaned against it. Kyland watched me, his expression wary, unreadable. "You had sex with her?"
He let out a long, shuddery breath. "I'm sorry. Things were getting too intense with us. I just needed to remind myself that—"
"That what?" I sobbed. Kyland winced. "That it was going to be possible to dismiss me when the time came?" Devastation hit me in the gut like a body blow and I weaved. This couldn't be happening. Oh God, oh God. No. No. No. No. No. I realized I was moving my head along with my inner screaming.
"You said you loved me," I croaked out. I put my hand to my head. This couldn't be real. Make it stop.
"I—"
I stuck my hand up to halt his words. I held it out in front of me, shaking, warding off whatever he'd been about to say, whether to confirm or deny. Either one would be equally as bad. A sob came up my throat.
Suddenly Kyland advanced on me. "You listen to me, Tenleigh. You are going to leave here. You are going to forget all about Dennville, Kentucky. Leave here and don't ever look back. And when the time comes, you'll make a life for yourself, your mama, and your sister. All three of you are getting out of here. Do you know how fucking rare it is for people like us to get out from under the poverty of a place like this? You have a chance. Take it."
I was still shaking my head back and forth, looking at him in horror. This wasn't happening.
"It was meant to be that you won the scholarship. It's for the best that I didn't. Because I wouldn't have been able to use it anyway."
"You touched her," I choked out in a horrified whisper. "You touched me and then you touched her. Or did you touch her and then still . . ." I let out a sob. "In what order did it happen, Kyland? Tell me!" I screamed, hot tears finally starting to fall.