I directed him up the hill to my trailer and when he pulled up in front of it, he sat staring at it for several moments. I was too achy and numb to care. In that moment, my little trailer looked good to me and I wanted to get inside and lie down on the small couch I slept on. I pulled the door handle and the door clicked open.
"Hey, Tenleigh," Jamie said and I paused, but didn't turn toward him. "This is kinda weird timing, but would you, uh, want to go to the prom next week? I mean, with me?"
I looked back over my shoulder. Jamie was good-looking—not in the same way Kyland was—but he had a nice face, a kind face, actually. "Thanks, Jamie, but uh, no. I don't dance, and . . ." I can't afford a dress or shoes and I'm kinda desperately in love with someone.
"Come on, you sorta owe me." My eyes snapped to his and I saw he was kidding.
I let out a breath and offered him a smile. "Thank you, Jamie, really, for what you did. But no, I'm, um, kind of seeing someone and—" Tears started leaking out of my eyes at my own words. Was I seeing someone? God, it was all so confusing. And somehow, my heart felt as bruised as my eye.
"Hey," he said gently, "I understand. I just thought . . . you know, you and I . . ." He thinned his lips, looking as if he was considering his words. "I've never really made an effort to get to know you, and I'm sorry for that. I realize there's not much time now, but, I thought maybe a dance . . ." His eyes moved over my face. "But you're involved with someone and so I understand that he probably wants to take you to the prom."
I looked down at my lap and shook my head, but I didn't speak. Would this boy even understand what it was like to have so little that some days you were just thankful you had enough food to eat? Dances, dates . . . those things were so far outside my realm of experiences. I had no idea what it was like to do any of that. I had no idea what it was like to live a life where you had the luxury of caring about that kind of stuff.
"Thanks again," I said.
"Tenleigh?" I turned back around. "I . . . I don't know, um . . ."
"Spit it out, Jamie."
"I'm gay."
Oh. I turned all the way toward him. "So why'd you ask me to the dance then?"
"I just wanted to spend time with you."
I tilted my head. "What if I'd said yes and had hope that you liked me?" I asked.
"I . . . I guess I didn't really think that part through. Sorry."
I studied him for a second and then sighed. "No harm done."
"I can't tell my parents. I mean, I can. I'm going to. Soon. I think. Maybe." He looked out the driver's side window.
I took a deep breath and sat back. "I'm sure it'll be okay."
He looked back at me and shook his head. "No, it won't be. It won't be okay. But I guess I have to do it anyway. I thought maybe before I go off to college. That way they'll have some time to digest it while I'm away, you know?"
I nodded. "Yeah." I reached over and squeezed his shoulder. "Well, good luck."
"My dad, he grew up like you," he said, glancing over at my trailer. "In his office, he has a picture of the shack where he lived in West Virginia when he was a boy."
I pressed my lips together and scratched at my thigh. "Well, that makes it worse."
"What?" he asked, his eyes meeting my one good eye again.
"He knows how painful it is to live like this—and for us, he made it worse." For him, it was a sick, thrilling way to remind himself of how far he'd risen—and how far others were now beneath him.
Jamie flinched slightly, his eyes flitting away and then back. "I know." He paused for a second. "If it makes you feel any better, I don't like where I live either, despite everything I have." He frowned as he looked out the window behind me. "That day," his eyes met mine, "that day my dad . . . told you to leave our house, I was watching. I saw. And I wanted to go with you. I saw the way all three of you gripped hands and walked away, the way you leaned on your sister, and . . . as stupid and probably insensitive as it sounds to you to hear me say this, I wanted to go with you. I wanted what you had. A family."
I stared at him, shocked. "I wanted what you had. A family. And," I laughed softly, "some food in the fridge."
He laughed a humorless laugh that ended in a sort of grimace.
"Things are tough all over, Ponyboy," I said softly, shaking my head.
"What?"
"Nothing. Thanks again, Jamie. Good night."
He nodded, looking worried. "Good night, Tenleigh. Make sure you ice that eye."
"I will." I opened his car door and got out.
I watched him as he turned around and drove back down the road toward town. I stood there for a minute, breathing in the fresh night air, thinking about what I was going to tell my mama. I wouldn't tell her the truth. It wouldn't be helpful—there was nothing she could do about it, and it would only make her worse. I'd tell her I ran into the swinging door at work.
But as I stood there, emotion overwhelmed me. I didn't want to lie. I wanted someone to hold me as I cried. I wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be okay. Tears streaked down my face as I looked up at the sky.
"Ten?" My head whipped around at his voice. Kyland.
I swiped at my tears and turned to face him. As he came close enough that I could make out his features, he hesitated, his face contorting first in confusion and then in anger. "What the fuck?" he hissed out, moving to me quickly and tilting my face up toward the moon, toward the light.
"Who did this?" he demanded.
"Kyland," I choked out, all the fight draining out of me. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his solid, safe body. I melted into him, holding the front of his shirt in my fists as I cried. I cried not just for my battered face, but because this could happen again. I cried because I was scared and hopeless and because even though Kyland was holding me, and despite all we'd shared, I sensed a withdrawal of his emotions. I sensed him stiffening as my tears fell and I clung to him.
"Who did this to you?" he repeated, only his voice was calmer this time.
I sniffled and wiped at my cheeks as I pulled back. "Just some guy," I whispered.
"A guy at Al's?"
I nodded. "I wouldn't get in his car and he didn't like that."
He didn't say anything, his jaw tense, his gaze focused somewhere beyond me.
"Did you get his name?"
I shook my head. "It doesn't matter, Ky. Jamie Kearney knocked him out and then drove me home. He said he'd make sure that guy didn't bother me again . . ." I trailed off. I had no idea what Jamie planned to do, if anything.
Kyland didn't speak for several beats. Finally, he nodded. "That's good." He looked down at me and smoothed a piece of hair behind my ear. "I'm so sorry I can't do anything. I'm sorry I'm so useless," he said, his voice gruff, tortured.
I hesitated at the tone, my one good eye widening. "You're not useless, Kyland. Don't ever say that."
He gazed down at me, a look that was raw and pained on his face. "Go inside and put some ice on your eye," he said. "Do you have any Tylenol or anything?"
I nodded. "I thought maybe I could come to your house?" I said hopefully, wanting nothing more than for him to hold me.
"That's not a good idea," he said, his words short. "We can't do that anymore."
"Why?" I asked, my voice cracking as hurt speared through me.
"Because I sold my bed. I'm sleeping on the floor."
Oh.
"That's okay. I'll sleep on the floor with you," I said.
I need you, Ky.
He shook his head, his jaw hard again. "No. You won't sleep on the damn floor, Tenleigh." At the look of hurt on my face, his expression gentled and he let out a long, controlled breath. "No, you won't sleep on the floor. Go inside your trailer and get in bed. I'll check on you in the morning, okay?"
I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to beg him to stay with me, take me with him, something. I pictured my mother in that auditorium screaming at Edward and I looked down at my feet, a sudden understanding of some of the deep pain she must carry inside her damaged brain. "I saw you earlier with Shelly," I said. "I waited for you to walk me home, but you were with her." I couldn't hide the accusation in my voice. Was I expecting too much?
He regarded me silently for a few beats. "Sorry, Ten, she just wanted to show me the car her brother fixed up for her. It was nothing."
My eyes moved over his features for a minute. I didn't feel better. "Okay," I said. "I love you."
He squeezed his eyes shut. "I love you, too. Go inside. I want to hear the door lock behind you."
I turned and walked on wooden legs to the door of my trailer, unlocking it, and opening the door. I glanced behind me before I stepped inside. Kyland was standing just a little distance away, still and watching me. He nodded and I hesitated, feeling something like fear at the resolute expression on his face. I didn't know what it meant exactly, but I sensed it wasn't good.
I closed the door behind me and locked it, sinking down on the couch. I put my face in my hands and sobbed.