Like how she stayed out last night, past curfew, and made them worry. Doing things everyone does, but the rules for her were stricter, because they didn’t think she could protect herself.
Had she ever made them worry before? Her father was using this an excuse to send her away. With both daughters gone, he wouldn’t have a reason to return home more frequently than necessary. For appearances’ sake.
She grew quiet, dropping her head a little and pleading, “Don’t let me go.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, my insides knotting so tightly.
I didn’t want to let her go.
“He’s in the city tonight,” she said. “And my mother flew to Spain today to visit Ari. I have the whole house to myself. All night.”
Oh, Jesus. My chest caved.
What the fuck?
It was everything I wanted.
Don’t do this to me.
She smirked. “Suddenly you have nothing to say?”
And I shook my head, more to myself than her.
She could be anyone.
I could get from anyone what I got from her.
I didn’t want her in my head.
I don’t want this. I wanted her to stay perfect.
She’d find out, and it would be over.
Don’t stay, I told myself. And don’t come back.
“We don’t have to talk,” she told me. “I’m going to go upstairs and take a shower. You might join me, and I’d want that. And afterward, I’m going to climb into my bed to sleep, and you might join me. I’d want that, too.” She closed her eyes, looking like her heart was breaking. “I just want you here or wherever I am.”
She walked slowly toward the doors, finding her way into the foyer, and I followed her, watching her climb the stairs up to the bathroom.
Nothing sounded better than nestling in the warmth of her and her bed tonight.
But instead, I walked past the staircase, through the kitchen, and out the backdoor, locking it behind me as I left the house.
She could be anyone, I told myself. Anyone.
And I’d prove it.
Hours later, I drove Michael’s Mercedes G-Class, his brother next to me, and Will and Rika in the back.
Michael had left a while ago, pissed off at Rika for whatever reason and soothing himself with Kai and some booze and leaving her in our care.
It was perfect. I needed this.
I needed someone else. Someone who was nothing.
“Why are you wearing your mask?” Rika asked Trevor who sat quietly in the passenger’s seat.
I smiled to myself. She thought he was Kai, because he wore Kai’s mask. We weren’t going to tell her any differently, because Michael’s brother had a bone to pick with her, and so did I.
Nothing personal, kid. You’re just a distraction.
“The night’s not over yet,” I teased.
We raced down the dark, empty highway, heading in the direction of her house—where she thought we were taking her—but that wasn’t where we were going.
“You want him, don’t you?” I asked, playing with her. “Michael, I mean.”
She just looked out the window, ignoring me.
She was sixteen. Did she really think she’d keep him entertained? Satisfied?
Girls that young haven’t even grown into their bodies yet. Kind of pathetic really, the hopes they dreamed up. Like we’d fall in love just as we were starting to have fun?
“Shit,” Will groaned, his drunk-ass like a limp dick sitting in his seat next to her. “She’s ready to ride a fence post with how horny she is for him.”
Both of us laughed. “Don’t be an asshole, man,” I told him. “Maybe she’s just horny, period. Bitches have needs, too, after all.”
I winced inwardly, knowing how fucking nasty I just sounded.
I shook it off and watched Rika in the rearview mirror, her body going rigid and barely breathing. Her helpless eyes drifted to Kai, probably wondering why he wasn’t stepping in and shutting us up, but that wasn’t Kai and she had no heroes in here.
“We’re just messing with you,” Will drawled. “We do it to each other, too.”
He smiled at her, his eyes closing as he drifted off.
“You know, the thing about Michael…” I continued, resting my head back against the seat as I drove, “he wants you, too. He watches you. Did you know that?” I shot her a look in the rearview mirror. “Man, the look on his face when he saw you dancing tonight.”
She’d looked pretty good, actually, but it was nothing compared to the places Winter took me when I watched her.
I laid on the gas, speeding past Rika’s house and racing toward my oblivion where Winter didn’t exist.
Forget her. Just forget her.
I saw her shoot up in her seat, watching her house pass and me not stop.
“Yeah,” I went on. “He never gets that look over a girl. I’d say he was damn close to taking you home and popping that little cherry of yours.”
“Kai?” Rika protested, not wanting to deal with me. “We passed my house. What’s going on?”
“You want to know why he didn’t take you home?” I asked her, hitting the locks so she couldn’t jump out. “He doesn’t like virgins. He never wants to be that important to someone, and it’s a lot less complicated to fuck people who know there’s a difference between sex and love.”
She turned her gaze from Will to Kai to me, fear in her eyes.
Sex and love.
Boys will be boys, and she teased you, didn’t she? She wouldn’t let you have it, I heard my mother’s voice in my head.
Sex was power. Degrading, filthy, mean, unclean power.
Love always hurt. Sooner or later.
“Where are we going?” Rika demanded.
But I ignored her. “You saw the girl at the old church today,” I mused, remembering her in the catacombs watching the guy and girl on our first Devil’s Night stop. “You liked it, didn’t you?”
I turned left, down a dark gravel road, and I saw her try to peer out the front windshield to see where we were going.
“You wanted to be her,” I said. “Pushed down on that floor and fucked…”
Because even as unclean and degrading as sex was, the feelings were strong, and they were real. Sex and fear were the only things that made you real.
Little girls just don’t understand what boys need, my mother would say.
It was the one thing she was right about. We didn’t need anything we didn’t take ourselves. No questions, no tears, no touching or soft words… Just fucking sit there and don’t try to be special.
“You know why?” I asked Rika. How I knew she wanted to be that girl, pushed down and fucked? “Because it feels good. And we’ll make you feel so good if you let us.”
Her eyes raced from Kai to me to the locked doors as worry set in.
“You know,” I told her. “When guys let a girl into their gang, there are two ways for her to be initiated.” I pulled the car to a stop in the middle of the woods on the isolated road. “She either gets beat-in.” I shut off the car, killed the lights, and locked eyes with her in the rearview mirror. “Or fucked-in.”
She shook her head. “I want to go home.”
Her voice sounded so fucking pitiful, and she looked like a kid, sinking to the bottom of a river, not wanting death but knowing it was coming.
No, don’t. I don’t want to, I remember myself saying when I was a kid, and I had no power.
But like me, there was nothing Rika could do.
“That’s not one of the choices, Little Monster,” I taunted.
Both Trevor and I turned our heads, starting straight at her.
She lost it, realization dawning. She grabbed the door handle and yanked on it over and over again, frantic to get out.
“We can take what we want from you,” I warned, opening my door. “One after the other, and no one would believe you, Rika.”
I climbed out, moved to her door behind me, and opened it, yanking her out as Will still slept it off in the other back seat.
Slamming the door shut, I pushed her up against it, pressing my body into hers and holding her wrists down at her side.
Was I doing this? For real?
“We’re untouchable,” I told her, looking down at her. “We can do whatever we want.”
She breathed fast, in shallow breaths, squirming against me.
Trevor had gotten out of the car and come around behind me.
“Kai, please?” she begged for his help, still not knowing it was Michael’s brother behind the mask. He’d had the hots for her forever, but she couldn’t stand him. She wanted his older brother, and he was pissed.