“I love you, daddy.” He nods, his eyes full of kindness and love. “I miss you.”
“I know,” he answers. And even though he is sitting still, he begins to fade, until he is no longer here and I am alone.
But I’m not alone. I can feel Pax’s presence, even though I can’t see it. I turn and he isn’t there.
And then I’m awake. I’m staring into his eyes.
“Are you okay?” he whispers. “You were dreaming.”
His arms tighten around me.
“I just had the strangest dream,” I whisper. “I dreamed about my dad for the first time since he died. I asked him why he hit my mom and he basically said that he was flawed. But he was still a good person. He and my mom should’ve gotten counseling, but they never did.”
Pax stares at me, his golden eyes warm in the shadowy room.
“You’re right,” he finally says. “A person can be flawed, but still be a good person, or have a good heart, at least. Where is this coming from? Because I asked about your parents earlier?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe. I’ve had a weird recurring dream since they died and I think this has always been one of the things that my subconscious has been trying to tell me. I struggled after they died, I missed them so much, but I also resented them because of their relationship. They loved each other-to distraction, almost-but they weren’t healthy together. They didn’t communicate well.”
Pax stares at me. “Did your dad ever hit you?”
I shake my head immediately. “No. I was spanked a few times when I was a kid, but actually hit? No. They were good parents. Their problem was that they always pushed each other’s buttons until things escalated beyond their control.”
Pax is already shaking his head.
“Nothing is ever out of your control,” he argues. “Not in that situation. You were right, though. Your parents’ should have gotten help. I’m sorry that they didn’t.”
I close my eyes and snuggle against him again.
“I think my dream was a message to me, somehow. That everything will be okay, and that I should trust my gut. My gut tells me that it’s okay to be with you. You and I aren’t my parents and our relationship won’t be the same as theirs. No one is perfect and you have issues to deal with, but we’ll get through it, Pax.”
He startles, I can feel it. He’s stiff against me now.
“You think your dream was a message from your father that it’s okay to be with me?”
I shrug again. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
He shakes his head. “No way. It’s not that I don’t believe in that kind of thing, but there’s no way your dad would give his blessing for you to get involved with me. No way in hell. You dreamed what you want to believe that he would say to you. You’re just trying to make sense of things. We stirred up your memories tonight, so it’s normal.”
I refuse to let him sway me though.
“We’ll have to agree to disagree. But for now, let’s just go back to sleep.”
And so we do. Pax tightens his hold on me and I fall asleep in his arms.
When I wake, he is still asleep next to me. His arms are still tightly wrapped around me. I don’t think we’ve moved at all. I blink from the sunlight that is pouring through the windows. I am so comfortable that I don’t want to get up and close the blinds. But if I don’t, I’ll never go back to sleep.
And I’m just not ready to start the day. I want to stay in bed with Pax a while longer.
I carefully extract myself from Pax’s arms and crawl out of bed, padding to the windows. I find the strings that pull the shades closed and start to pull. As I do, I glance down at the lawn behind the house and I freeze.
An icy feeling spreads from the base of my spine all the way to my neck as horror ricochets through my ribcage.
There is someone lying on the lawn, out in the cold and wind. I peer closer, staring at the pale leg, spiky high heel and mousy brown hair.
Jill.
What the hell?
My hand drops from the blinds and I cover my mouth with it.
Jill isn’t moving and her body is sprawled at an unnatural angle. Her face is turned away from me, toward the lake, but she is too still. The wind moves her hair across her face, but it is the only thing moving.
“Pax!” I shriek, running to shake him. “Wake up. Wake up! Jill is on your lawn.”
He leans up groggily, trying to clear his head enough to realize what I’m saying. Realization finally crosses his face and he lunges from bed, and we both run to the back lawn.
Pax runs to Jill without hesitation, but I have to admit, I am hesitant. Dread seems to freeze me into place. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with her, but I know it’s nothing good.
Pax kneels and examines her, but he quickly looks up at me and the look on his face is grave.
I have to force myself to walk to him.