I don’t send it, though. If I do this, people will know about me, just like they know about Ruben. But also, not a single part of me is ashamed about what I’m doing with him, and thinking of myself as bi is getting more comfortable with every passing day.
And Chorus has made it very clear what they think about secrets. They need to be told about everything going on in our lives, so that they can plan accordingly, and our narrative can never get wrenched away from us. If I want to keep hooking up with Ruben, it can’t remain a secret. Otherwise someone will out us and it will blow up into a massive thing. We need to be ahead of it.
Plus, Angel and Jon are two of my closest friends. I want them to know about me. I just thought I had more time than this to come out.
But … I guess I don’t.
I hit send.
Are you sure??
Yeah. I wish we had more time, but you’re right. I don’t want them finding out from anyone else but us.
Right. Well maybe sleep on it, and if you still want to, we can tell them at breakfast tomorrow.
Sounds good. Night.
Night. Sleep well.
NOOO I MEANT TO SEND THIS ONE
Sure you did.
Unsurprisingly, I didn’t sleep well last night.
I’m in the shower now. I should’ve gotten out five minutes ago, but I haven’t yet. I keep telling myself just a few more minutes.
I’m not even sure why I’m stalling. Being out to Ruben has been so utterly wonderful, and now that one person knows, coming out feels so much easier. Not effortless, no way, but definitely easier.
But Ruben has showed me how great it is to have people know about this side of me.
Ruben has asked me multiple times if I’m sure, and I honestly am. It might not be exactly what I want to do, but I know it’s the right call. I think he’s surprised by the speed of this, and I completely get that. I think I learned from my time keeping my feelings a secret from him that not talking can be even more devastating than just saying the truth.
So yeah. As far as I can tell, I have no reason to not come out to the team, and maybe a lot to gain if I do.
But at the same time, I can’t get myself to get out of the shower. I think it’s because once I’ve said it I can’t take it back, so I want to be sure.
Last night, I spent hours reading every article and Reddit thread on coming out that I could find. I discovered a sub-Reddit called Gaybros, which had a bunch of great advice. Seeing countless guys just like me on the Internet talking about their coming out experiences really comforted me. The only people whose families seemed to have major issues with it were the religious ones, which did freak me out a little, considering how Catholic the Braxtons are. Then again, Jon is a huge ally. He’s never treated Ruben any different from the rest of us, and I know Ruben and Jon have had plenty of deep conversations about the intersection between religion and sexuality. Jon’s stance has always been that the God that he believes in loves all. Ruben has some issues with the way the church has treated gay people throughout history, but he knows that Jon, and a lot of other Christians, have his back. He just says he wishes Jon and others like him would challenge the status quo a little more, and for the most part, Jon agrees.
Geoff, though …
I don’t think he’s going to be mad at me for being queer. But this will definitely change the narrative of the band once it becomes public knowledge. As far as I know, two members in the same boy band have never dated before. Or have been out at the peak of the band’s success. If it’s found out, it will become a huge news story. It could easily become Saturday’s defining characteristic.
Plus, I’m not dumb. I know who listens to our music the most, and it’s teenage girls. Our fans are very liberal, and are normally very on board with LGBT+ people. But a big part of our appeal has always been us posing as fantasy boyfriends for our fans. There’s a reason each of us fulfils an archetype, and it’s so the widest variety of girls will have one guy that’s their type that they can crush on. It’s a science; Geoff built us to be as mass-appealing as possible. If half of us are queer, that maybe could mess with that. We have some straight and queer male fans, sure, but without straight and bi girls we’d lose the lion’s share of our audience.
Okay.
I need to stop stalling.
I shut the water off.
I can do this. This doesn’t have to be about my brand and Saturday. This can be about me telling two of my best friends something about me I’ve finally figured out. I’ll tell Mom the next time we talk, which will probably be in a few days. At least I don’t have to do that right away, because I have enough on my plate right now.
As I’m picking my clothes, I pay a lot more attention to them than I normally do. Is this the sort of outfit that a bi dude would wear? I end up settling for a black T-shirt, ripped jeans, and a studded belt, because it makes me feel like the most quintessential Zach. Which I guess means it is the kind of outfit a bi guy would wear.
I check my phone. I have a new message from Ruben.
Hey, are you coming? The rest of us are at breakfast. And seriously, are you sure you want to tell them??
Yeah, on my way, sorry. Lost track of time. And I am, trust me.
I just want you to know this is your call, Zach. Chorus shouldn’t take this from you.
They kind of already have. But whatever.
I type back: They’re not, I want to.
I go down to the restaurant at the bottom level of the hotel. The boys of Saturday are seated at a table at the back of the room, each with carefully portioned high-protein plates from the breakfast buffet. I load up my own plate, with a whole-wheat roll, some natural peanut butter, scrambled eggs, and some sausage, then join the others.
“Guten Morgen,” says Angel, as he takes a big bite of a sausage.
Nobody seems to think anything is amiss. Angel is swiping on his phone as he stuffs his face, and Jon has brought the chunky Wheel of Time novel that he’s been reading whenever he gets a second of free time. I bite into my roll.
Now is as good a time as any, I guess. We’re far enough away from everyone else that I can just tell these two.
“Um,” I say. “I have an announcement.”
Jon looks up. Angel doesn’t.