His bare chest is rising and falling rhythmically. It’s still a novelty for me to allow myself to stare, without pulling my gaze away in embarrassment or distracting myself to fuel my denial. His chest is toned, and his skin looks so perfect, smooth, and tanned.
Ruben starts rubbing my arm with the back of his hand. It’s kinda scary, but I’m getting very close just from the contact and the kissing, and I think I should slow down but I don’t want to. I lean across and kiss him, trapping his arm between us.
“Have you done this before?” he asks.
His eyes are half-closed.
“What do you mean?”
“Like, have you ever…” He trails off, searching for the words. “… done … much with a guy?”
My cheeks start burning. “Oh. Nope. Is that a problem?”
“No, not at all. Just checking.”
I lie back down, and rest a hand behind my head. “Cool.”
“So … if we did anything else, it’d be totally new.”
My breathing gets shallow. I think I know what he’s getting at, and I know what’s happening. “Yeah.” My voice comes out thin and high-pitched, and I swallow.
“How would you feel about that?”
I barely manage to force the words out I’m so breathless. “Really, really good.”
“Good,” he whispers.
I unbutton my jeans with trembling fingers, trying and failing not to stare at Ruben as he slowly pulls off his own. Once we’re just in our underwear, we both pause. Somehow, this feels like the tipping point. We’ve never been fully naked around each other.
“What?” he asks. He seems almost self-conscious, which is weird, because he’s like, perfect.
“Nothing, you just look good.”
“Well.” He grins. “Thanks. So do you.” He pauses. “Seriously, are you sure you’re okay? I know this is new to you, so I don’t want to rush you…”
“You’re not rushing me. I’ve done stuff before, just not with a guy.”
“And how does it feel?”
“Not that different.”
His face falls.
I press a kiss to the top of his shoulder. “Not like that. It just feels natural. How does it feel to you?”
“Ah, yeah, pretty sure I’m fine right now. I have Zach Knight in my bed. You know how many people would kill to be in my spot right now?”
“This bodes well for me.” I start kissing toward his neck. “Be careful, I might decide to play the field. What’s that Grindr thing everyone is always talking about?”
“Shut up,” he says, kissing me, his hand going lower down my chest. “Besides. I can think of a reason why you shouldn’t get Grindr.”
The world falls away.
* * *
I sit up and go into the bathroom. As I go inside, I see myself in the mirror. My hair is messy and my cheeks are flushed.
I just had sex with a guy.
I know it was just hands, but I’d say it still counts. Ruben comes in and presses himself up against my back. Then he spins me around and kisses me.
“I should go,” I say. “So nobody is suspicious.”
“No, stay.”
“I want to … I just…”
“I get it,” he says, bowing his head. “Go.”
I press a kiss to his lips, and then leave the bathroom to get dressed. I make sure I have my keys and wallet.
Then I leave the room, flush with joy.
Oh no.
Outside, down the hall, is Keegan, doing a routine sweep. Seriously, again? Somehow, I’ve managed to run into either him or Pauline every time I’ve snuck out of Ruben’s room. I’m starting to think it’s the universe playing some sort of cruel joke.
Keegan is staring at me.
I make my way back to my room as nonchalantly as possible.
“Ruben was showing me a … thing,” I say, as I reach my door.
“Again?” says Keegan in a voice that’s a little too casual to really be casual. “I’m surprised you two are functioning at all during the daytime.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, my voice squeaky. It always betrays me. I shouldn’t have spoken. I should’ve just nodded, and left, and— “This is, what, the third time Ruben’s showed you something in his room at one a.m. in as many days? Don’t you all get up with the sun?”
I should ignore him, I should ignore him, “I—What do you mean?”
“Oh, I don’t mean a thing. Just that I don’t know where you kids get your endless energy from. The two of you have barely slept a wink lately. If you’re not in his room all hours of the night, he’s in yours.”
I stare at him, and he shrugs. “Bet you’re glad you’ve worked out whatever you were fighting over, at least?”
I shouldn’t be trusted with anything.
I’m just going to make this worse if I stick around, so I go into my room and close the door behind me.
Fuck. He knows. I just gave us away. And now he’s going to tell Geoff and everything is going to suck.
I flick my light off, and fall back onto my bed. Everything crashes down around me.
What have I done?
I’m experiencing a lot of clarity right now, and with this clear-mindedness has come the fear. I just had sex with my best friend, but also a guy who is effectively my coworker. This is going smoothly now, but if things change, it could be catastrophic. And I was caught.
Someone other than us knows now.
I start messaging Ruben.
Hey. Keegan knows. He seemed really suspicious when I ran into him just now.
Wait, what??
Yeah. He said we’ve been spending every night together, basically.
Shit.
Okay.
Shit.
So what do we do?????
I don’t know. Do you think he’ll out us?
I chew my lip while I wait for a reply.
My phone lights up.
If he’s caught on, it’s not going to be long before the others do. I guess we were optimistic to think we can hide it forever.
I have a bad feeling they’re going to find out sooner or later. The question is do we want to take control of how they find out?
I know what he’s getting at. My hands shake as I type out: I’d rather they hear it from us. If they find out in any other way we’ll be in so much trouble. Maybe we tell them tomorrow?