I don’t move.
“You’ve had kissing a guy on your bucket list and you saw a chance to get it done but hated it and didn’t know how to tell me?”
I keep still again.
“You were so drunk you thought I was a girl and when you woke up in the morning you freaked out because you’d kissed a guy.”
“Keep trying,” I say. “This is helping.”
“Okay.” His eyebrows furrow. “You were feeling bad about not being on that stupid list, and I made you feel attractive, so in your drunken state you confused that feeling with actual attraction.”
“I mean, maybe that’s a little bit of it, but there’s more to it.”
There’s a long pause, and when he speaks, it’s basically a whisper. “What if you’ve figured out that you might like guys, but you’ve been scared to do anything about it, because then it would become real?”
I can’t lie.
Clearly, he gets it. I wonder if he went through a very similar thing, just when he was younger. I wonder if all queer people do.
So I nod.
“Okay, wow,” he says. “You think you might be queer?”
“Yeah.” I wince. “I think I might be bi.”
“Wow. Holy shit.”
“Are you surprised?”
“I guess I shouldn’t be, given last week,” he says with a wry smile. “But I am? I guess I thought I’d have heard about it by now if you were. Obviously I thought about it, but I kept deciding I just wan—I kept deciding you probably weren’t.”
“Right.”
But wait, he wanted what? For me to be bi? Why would he …
And then I see it. I kissed him and things got weird because I was cold and distant. Which would be crushing, if someone you liked acted like that after you kissed them. How he reacted makes a lot of sense if you factor in that he likes me. Or at least that he started to. God, I’m an idiot. Never in a million years did I think Ruben would care about me like that, but now … now it’s making sense.
He smiles. “But this isn’t about me. Shit, this is huge, Zach. How do you feel about it?”
I look into his eyes. The eye contact is steady, unflinching. It feels a little magical, actually. Having him know, and things not feeling that weird. It just feels right. And under it all is this thought that maybe he likes me.
“It’s like, terrifying, but in a good way. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah, it does. But, um, are you referring to the fact that you like guys in general? Or…?”
He glances up, a clear signal.
And I really want to.
So I shuffle closer, he nods a little and smiles, so I bring my hands up until they’re on his face. Nerves slam into me, and what if this isn’t real, what if I kiss him and I don’t like it. I move my hand an inch away, and Ruben opens his eyes, and his eyebrows pull together, and I’m ruining the moment oh fuck I’m ruining this like I’ve been ruining everything lately and …
Oh fuck it.
I move across and kiss him, putting everything I have into it. I run my hand up through his hair, his gorgeous hair, and smell his cologne and taste the sugar on his lips.
It’s like fireworks in my chest. There’s no doubt that this is real.
He brings a hand up and rests it above my heart. “Wait,” he says, pushing me back slightly, his hand still resting on my chest. “We shouldn’t do this outside. People could see.”
“Right.”
We rush back toward to the hotel, walking closer to each other than we probably should, our hands occasionally brushing before the other pulls away. Finally we make it to the hotel, and climb back up the fire escape, way more quickly than going down it. On the rooftop I jab the elevator button. Then Ruben grabs me by the jacket, spins me around, and presses me up against the cold brick wall.
“Hey,” I say, laughing at the suddenness of it.
“Hey.”
He kisses me, and it makes me dizzy. It feels as amazing as I remember. Better, maybe.
“Sorry,” he says, pressing his forehead against mine, his hands gripping mine. “I couldn’t wait.”
“I’m not complaining.”
The elevator opens, and we go inside.
As soon as the door closes, we fall onto each other. Our hands are a scramble, and the kiss is frantic, but in the best possible way. He pulls me right to him, so our bodies are flush, his chest against mine.
The elevator chimes, and we spring apart. There’s nobody in the hallway, though, so we start up again. Suddenly he’s up against the wall, and I’m kissing his neck. Then he spins me around, and I’m up against the wall, and he’s kissing me. He presses himself fully to me, hip to hip, and I think we might need to go inside before I lose all sense completely.
“Hey,” he says, nuzzling his nose against mine. ‘“You good?”
“So good.”
We reach his door, and he opens it, and we rush inside. Our coats are off immediately. The room is dark, lit only by the light coming in from the balcony’s sliding glass doors. I double-check to make sure the door is locked. If anyone at Chorus knew about this … holy shit. I don’t even want to imagine. Not now.
“Too many clothes,” I say, and he laughs, shucking off his sweater.
We go into the bedroom. I start unbuttoning his shirt, all the way to the bottom, so it’s hanging open. He takes it off and jumps up onto his bed, now only in his jeans.
He smirks at me, all devilish.
I pull my shirt off and join him.
ELEVEN
RUBEN